Showing posts with label nonbinary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label nonbinary. Show all posts
Friday, March 29, 2019
Free Breast Forms
A simple order form you can share around, for anyone who wants free crochet breast forms (for bra stuffing) - anonymous orders allowed! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeWNses5JmjK_D88uKF58t0qyvwXDTAq63whOU1BUOGppr19w/viewform
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Leveraging Intersex
I’ve been bad about this, and continually need to check myself, but leveraging the existence of intersex people in gender discourse is frequently objectification and erasure both. I don’t need to explain or justify my genitals to anyone - nobody does. And people do know about intersex bodies - they’re fully aware and have enacted great violence upon those individuals to “normalize” them. It’s not that some people don’t think a wide spectrum of humanity exists, it’s that some people think we shouldn’t exist even when we do.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
It's not just about the restrooms but because you all keep making it about the restrooms we can talk about that...
Presented to Celebrate Diversity 2017 in Warsaw, Indiana.
I stand with my young child and face two doors, knowing what I need can be found behind both, aware that choosing one over the other is to publicly declare my deepest political allegiances. I casually make my way through Door #1, hoping nobody will notice. “Sir” I look up, and realize she’s looking directly at me. I’ve been found out. “Sir, you want to be over there,” she commands as she points directly toward Door #2, valiantly defending the innocence of the flock of preschool girls we’re both surrounded by. We go into the other room without a fuss. My child peers into a nearby urinal with suspicion at its contents, then up at me. “Mommy, what-” I swiftly brush him into the nearest stall before he can utter any more incriminating words, not knowing how to explain to a preschooler that there is no Door #3 for people like me.
There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender. Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us. If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons, what could you do about this situation? If your proposed response is to outlaw transgender people, you just might be Indiana Republican state Senator Jim Tomes. Bear with me, I’m quoting him verbatim: “What about the other sector of society of people that who have all through the decades women been using women’s restrooms and men been using men’s restrooms and kind of like that and kind of expect that level of privacy?”
Don’t worry about people who are actually predators and convicted sex offenders; the real danger has been me all along! Nevermind that if there really were an epidemic of cross-dressing voyeurs peeping under bathroom stalls, Fox News would be plastering their mug shots all over scare pieces in a never-ending parade of shame. Meanwhile, the true stories of abuse and violence against transgender folks in public spaces get pushed to the back pages of the news.
I don't like the men's restrooms because I'm not a man, I’m nonbinary. I am familiar with the women's restrooms, but I'm not a woman, and I raise far too many suspicions in there now for my comfort anyway. I have gotten very skilled at finding single-user restrooms wherever I go, but I will use the men's room now if it's urgent, and carry myself with the confidence of a mediocre white man in a generally successful attempt to blend in.
I’m disturbed by a trend lately, where some men gleefully plot for (or at least dream about) pushing themselves into women's restrooms in an attempt to get kicked out. Sometimes it’s cis men [“cisgender” means someone who is not transgender]. These cis men are attempting to “prove” that anyone can “fake” being trans simply by throwing on a dress. Sometimes it’s trans men posting selfies, and then "surprise! I have a vagina!" It's supposed to “prove” that they don't belong in women’s restrooms because they "look like a man". The problem is that all of this harms women. Many trans women are suspected of “faking” their genders and that's why these laws are being passed in the first place. They are enforced by targeting women who “look like men”, which hurts all women, trans and cis alike. Plus, at its most basic this trend an example of cis and trans men forcing their way past women’s stated boundaries in an attempt to intimidate them to get their own way. What if masculinity were used for justice instead of violence?
In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom. So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms - yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice - why now do we suddenly have this deep and urgent need for laws to segregate and outlaw us? Honestly, it's for the money. This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice. I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here: many of them use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.
Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe. Laws can only provide recourse against harms already caused, for those of us who can even afford legal action, but they don’t change the hearts and minds of those who act against us. The fact is, we cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation. I mean that in the fullest sense. We cannot be safe in a society that demands “separate yet equal” restrooms.
Racial segregation dates back to 1849; the first separate gendered restroom ordinances came 40 years later, in 1887. When you dig into the arguments presented when proposing these gendered restrictions over the past century, you will find that it wasn’t about protecting women from men, it especially wasn’t about protecting black women from white men, it was always about protecting white women from black men by demonizing blackness. Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.
I again want to make it very clear that the root of the violence against my people isn’t the laws, it’s the prevailing mentality of a society that accepts a certain order of things as “normal”, and anyone who deviates is deemed in need of correction. In a society where all genders were valid and deserving of equal recognition and protection, it would be unthinkable to demand some of us to hide ourselves while others flaunt your “normal” genders every chance you get. You accept gender segregation because you don’t see us as real people.
For example: a friend of mine on Facebook recently posted that she defended the right of trans women to use the women’s restroom alongside herself, but she wanted to ask all trans women to please place the seat down after they were finished. Several of her friends chimed in their complaints in the comments. I think they thought they were being cute, but the message was clear: normal women keep the seat down, fake women leave it up. It never occurred to them that if a trans woman leaves the seat up, then leaving the seat up is a normal way for women to use the toilet, because trans women are women, not objects for your scrutiny.
Separating us out as not normal, not like you, not fully people leaves us vulnerable even in places that aren’t segregated by gender, even in places designated specifically for us. Stonewall Inn, site of the Stonewall Riots of 1969, is famed as the birthplace of the modern gay rights movement. In March of last year, a transgender woman went into the single-user restroom of Stonewall Inn, and video surveillance shows a man following her in there, where he then attacked and raped her. There are no safe spaces for people who are deemed less than human.
Two years ago, I spent the weekend traveling the beautiful Ozarks of Missouri with my child and my transgender wife. We stopped at a gas station to fill up, and we needed a bathroom break. It was a tiny place with a single-user restroom on the exterior of the building, so we sat on the nearby bench to wait our turn. The man standing next in line before us refused to budge. Soon he was joined by another man, forming a barricade. A woman came out and begged him not to start anything, to just let us go. We quickly realized they were targeting us, refusing to let us access the single-user restroom, willing to escalate to violence if necessary. They didn’t see a family with a child. They didn’t see people. They just saw some deviants with fake genders. We will never be safe until we are real.
I stand with my young child and face two doors, knowing what I need can be found behind both, aware that choosing one over the other is to publicly declare my deepest political allegiances. I casually make my way through Door #1, hoping nobody will notice. “Sir” I look up, and realize she’s looking directly at me. I’ve been found out. “Sir, you want to be over there,” she commands as she points directly toward Door #2, valiantly defending the innocence of the flock of preschool girls we’re both surrounded by. We go into the other room without a fuss. My child peers into a nearby urinal with suspicion at its contents, then up at me. “Mommy, what-” I swiftly brush him into the nearest stall before he can utter any more incriminating words, not knowing how to explain to a preschooler that there is no Door #3 for people like me.
There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender. Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us. If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons, what could you do about this situation? If your proposed response is to outlaw transgender people, you just might be Indiana Republican state Senator Jim Tomes. Bear with me, I’m quoting him verbatim: “What about the other sector of society of people that who have all through the decades women been using women’s restrooms and men been using men’s restrooms and kind of like that and kind of expect that level of privacy?”
Don’t worry about people who are actually predators and convicted sex offenders; the real danger has been me all along! Nevermind that if there really were an epidemic of cross-dressing voyeurs peeping under bathroom stalls, Fox News would be plastering their mug shots all over scare pieces in a never-ending parade of shame. Meanwhile, the true stories of abuse and violence against transgender folks in public spaces get pushed to the back pages of the news.
I don't like the men's restrooms because I'm not a man, I’m nonbinary. I am familiar with the women's restrooms, but I'm not a woman, and I raise far too many suspicions in there now for my comfort anyway. I have gotten very skilled at finding single-user restrooms wherever I go, but I will use the men's room now if it's urgent, and carry myself with the confidence of a mediocre white man in a generally successful attempt to blend in.
I’m disturbed by a trend lately, where some men gleefully plot for (or at least dream about) pushing themselves into women's restrooms in an attempt to get kicked out. Sometimes it’s cis men [“cisgender” means someone who is not transgender]. These cis men are attempting to “prove” that anyone can “fake” being trans simply by throwing on a dress. Sometimes it’s trans men posting selfies, and then "surprise! I have a vagina!" It's supposed to “prove” that they don't belong in women’s restrooms because they "look like a man". The problem is that all of this harms women. Many trans women are suspected of “faking” their genders and that's why these laws are being passed in the first place. They are enforced by targeting women who “look like men”, which hurts all women, trans and cis alike. Plus, at its most basic this trend an example of cis and trans men forcing their way past women’s stated boundaries in an attempt to intimidate them to get their own way. What if masculinity were used for justice instead of violence?
In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom. So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms - yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice - why now do we suddenly have this deep and urgent need for laws to segregate and outlaw us? Honestly, it's for the money. This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice. I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here: many of them use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.
Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe. Laws can only provide recourse against harms already caused, for those of us who can even afford legal action, but they don’t change the hearts and minds of those who act against us. The fact is, we cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation. I mean that in the fullest sense. We cannot be safe in a society that demands “separate yet equal” restrooms.
Racial segregation dates back to 1849; the first separate gendered restroom ordinances came 40 years later, in 1887. When you dig into the arguments presented when proposing these gendered restrictions over the past century, you will find that it wasn’t about protecting women from men, it especially wasn’t about protecting black women from white men, it was always about protecting white women from black men by demonizing blackness. Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.
I again want to make it very clear that the root of the violence against my people isn’t the laws, it’s the prevailing mentality of a society that accepts a certain order of things as “normal”, and anyone who deviates is deemed in need of correction. In a society where all genders were valid and deserving of equal recognition and protection, it would be unthinkable to demand some of us to hide ourselves while others flaunt your “normal” genders every chance you get. You accept gender segregation because you don’t see us as real people.
For example: a friend of mine on Facebook recently posted that she defended the right of trans women to use the women’s restroom alongside herself, but she wanted to ask all trans women to please place the seat down after they were finished. Several of her friends chimed in their complaints in the comments. I think they thought they were being cute, but the message was clear: normal women keep the seat down, fake women leave it up. It never occurred to them that if a trans woman leaves the seat up, then leaving the seat up is a normal way for women to use the toilet, because trans women are women, not objects for your scrutiny.
Separating us out as not normal, not like you, not fully people leaves us vulnerable even in places that aren’t segregated by gender, even in places designated specifically for us. Stonewall Inn, site of the Stonewall Riots of 1969, is famed as the birthplace of the modern gay rights movement. In March of last year, a transgender woman went into the single-user restroom of Stonewall Inn, and video surveillance shows a man following her in there, where he then attacked and raped her. There are no safe spaces for people who are deemed less than human.
Two years ago, I spent the weekend traveling the beautiful Ozarks of Missouri with my child and my transgender wife. We stopped at a gas station to fill up, and we needed a bathroom break. It was a tiny place with a single-user restroom on the exterior of the building, so we sat on the nearby bench to wait our turn. The man standing next in line before us refused to budge. Soon he was joined by another man, forming a barricade. A woman came out and begged him not to start anything, to just let us go. We quickly realized they were targeting us, refusing to let us access the single-user restroom, willing to escalate to violence if necessary. They didn’t see a family with a child. They didn’t see people. They just saw some deviants with fake genders. We will never be safe until we are real.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
"Natural"
"Natural" is meaningless. "Natural" is artifice. "Natural" is the greatest sham of the century.
I fucking hate when people act like the mind is not part of the body, nor the body part of society. Meaningless distinctions.
My gender is all in your head.
It's something I realized back when I finally stopped pretending to be female. It really is all up to the beholder what they think gender is in general, and what my gender is by extension. I don't mean they determine for me what my gender is; their gender of me has tangible consequences for me. I can be completely honest in my comportment, and that does have some influence, but ultimately I'm not the author of my gender in their minds. Each time I am observed, they are creating a new gender, a spectre in their minds which is real as every other thought or experience they have.
It's important to note that this is identical to the gendering conflated onto cis people. The only difference is some gender spectres have a revocable aura of "natural".
👌
I fucking hate when people act like the mind is not part of the body, nor the body part of society. Meaningless distinctions.
My gender is all in your head.
It's something I realized back when I finally stopped pretending to be female. It really is all up to the beholder what they think gender is in general, and what my gender is by extension. I don't mean they determine for me what my gender is; their gender of me has tangible consequences for me. I can be completely honest in my comportment, and that does have some influence, but ultimately I'm not the author of my gender in their minds. Each time I am observed, they are creating a new gender, a spectre in their minds which is real as every other thought or experience they have.
It's important to note that this is identical to the gendering conflated onto cis people. The only difference is some gender spectres have a revocable aura of "natural".
👌
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
"How Do You Have Sex?"
This blog post was written to fulfill an assignment for the course Creativity & Community.
A classmate's creative blog post reminded me of this question I have been asked fortunately rarely, but unfortunately a non-zero number of times, by people who do not need to know. The succinct answer is "how do I not have sex, amirite!" 😀
The reality is there is no good answer to this question. The person asking has already brought the awkwardness level to 11, at that point I'm already playing a messy clean-up game. I could get embarrassed and feel shamed about all the fake sex I'm apparently having. I could drop everything and whip out the charts and diagrams to prove we trans folk can have real sex too. Or I could laugh at you. Quite frankly, life is too short and I enjoy laughter, so that's probably the option I'm going to go with. 😁
My mother has a sort of underlying anxiety about who I partner myself with, seeing as I'm bisexual and might bring home the wrong set of genitals on accident...? So when I first told her about my current girlfriend, she asked me what gender they are "in their pants". I told her she needs to go find her own genderqueer person to flirt with, November is mine*. 😂
There are circumstances under which it is actually acceptable to ask me how I have sex. Are we friends who are already comfortable talking about general sex stuff together? Are we intending to have sex together, and we actually need to work out the details? Are you yourself transgender and looking for general advice that is unfortunately rather scarce on the internet? Then yes, go ahead and ask if my sexual techniques are something I'd be comfortable discussing with you. 😇
Honestly, I kind of feel sorry for the person asking out of a clear disbelief that there is more than one way to do the sexy times. I kind of want to sit with them a while and hold their hand and say "you poor dear, I know the tunnel seems long and dark, but there is a light at the end, and we can find it together." But maybe that's what this is all about after all: maybe cis people are trying to steal our superior sexy trans moves from us. Well you can't have them! They're ours!! All ours!!! ...Sigh, I guess I'll share, but only if you ask nicely. 😘
*We're not monogamous, but my mother is.
A classmate's creative blog post reminded me of this question I have been asked fortunately rarely, but unfortunately a non-zero number of times, by people who do not need to know. The succinct answer is "how do I not have sex, amirite!" 😀
The reality is there is no good answer to this question. The person asking has already brought the awkwardness level to 11, at that point I'm already playing a messy clean-up game. I could get embarrassed and feel shamed about all the fake sex I'm apparently having. I could drop everything and whip out the charts and diagrams to prove we trans folk can have real sex too. Or I could laugh at you. Quite frankly, life is too short and I enjoy laughter, so that's probably the option I'm going to go with. 😁
My mother has a sort of underlying anxiety about who I partner myself with, seeing as I'm bisexual and might bring home the wrong set of genitals on accident...? So when I first told her about my current girlfriend, she asked me what gender they are "in their pants". I told her she needs to go find her own genderqueer person to flirt with, November is mine*. 😂
There are circumstances under which it is actually acceptable to ask me how I have sex. Are we friends who are already comfortable talking about general sex stuff together? Are we intending to have sex together, and we actually need to work out the details? Are you yourself transgender and looking for general advice that is unfortunately rather scarce on the internet? Then yes, go ahead and ask if my sexual techniques are something I'd be comfortable discussing with you. 😇
Honestly, I kind of feel sorry for the person asking out of a clear disbelief that there is more than one way to do the sexy times. I kind of want to sit with them a while and hold their hand and say "you poor dear, I know the tunnel seems long and dark, but there is a light at the end, and we can find it together." But maybe that's what this is all about after all: maybe cis people are trying to steal our superior sexy trans moves from us. Well you can't have them! They're ours!! All ours!!! ...Sigh, I guess I'll share, but only if you ask nicely. 😘
*We're not monogamous, but my mother is.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Sexual Abuse as the Cis Norm for Sex Education
TW dysphoria and rape
Let's talk about how cis people have sexually abused me my entire life. FUN!
Being raped multiple times wasn't traumatic... so I felt for a while, only I'm now realizing this is an inversion of reality.
Being raped wasn't more traumatic than sex in general, not enough for me to notice a significant difference.
To understand why sex has historically been traumatic for me, we need to first look at what healthy sex looks like:
It requires informed consent and co-determination. I need to be aware of what is happening and have the ability to exercise bodily agency.
I, like many queer and trans folk, was raised to view penis-in-vagina as The Sex, and with zero acknowledgement that dysphoria is possible.
Every single person who had the opportunity to educate me, grossly neglected to de-center PIV or present other options for sex as equal.
The only context my vagina was mentioned was as either a source of magical Jesus powers, or as a source of profound sexual liberation.
It is especially important to note that every cis male partner I've had was actively pushing this repression/liberation sex binary for years.
I was actively taught to view my intense discomfort with vaginal stimulation (even in a loving caring context) as something that's fixable.
I was expected to change. Always me. Never the other person. Never the way society pushed their cis agenda.
Individual partners claimed to respect my desires to avoid certain contact, but would guilt me on how their "needs" were equally valid.
All of the sex-positivity cultural rhetoric was on their side as I was shamed for not being "good, giving, & game".
No one ever suggested even once that my feelings were normal or natural, and that their sexual pressure was the dysfunction.
Fact: informed consent is not possible when cis people have actively obstructed education on trans bodies and queer sex.
Fact: bodily agency and sexual co-determination is not possible in the midst of ongoing gaslighting.
Fact: cis-centered sex education is abusive, and cis people who aren't actively working to dismantle that are complicit in ongoing abuse.
Let's talk about how cis people have sexually abused me my entire life. FUN!
Being raped multiple times wasn't traumatic... so I felt for a while, only I'm now realizing this is an inversion of reality.
Being raped wasn't more traumatic than sex in general, not enough for me to notice a significant difference.
To understand why sex has historically been traumatic for me, we need to first look at what healthy sex looks like:
It requires informed consent and co-determination. I need to be aware of what is happening and have the ability to exercise bodily agency.
I, like many queer and trans folk, was raised to view penis-in-vagina as The Sex, and with zero acknowledgement that dysphoria is possible.
Every single person who had the opportunity to educate me, grossly neglected to de-center PIV or present other options for sex as equal.
The only context my vagina was mentioned was as either a source of magical Jesus powers, or as a source of profound sexual liberation.
It is especially important to note that every cis male partner I've had was actively pushing this repression/liberation sex binary for years.
I was actively taught to view my intense discomfort with vaginal stimulation (even in a loving caring context) as something that's fixable.
I was expected to change. Always me. Never the other person. Never the way society pushed their cis agenda.
Individual partners claimed to respect my desires to avoid certain contact, but would guilt me on how their "needs" were equally valid.
All of the sex-positivity cultural rhetoric was on their side as I was shamed for not being "good, giving, & game".
No one ever suggested even once that my feelings were normal or natural, and that their sexual pressure was the dysfunction.
Fact: informed consent is not possible when cis people have actively obstructed education on trans bodies and queer sex.
Fact: bodily agency and sexual co-determination is not possible in the midst of ongoing gaslighting.
Fact: cis-centered sex education is abusive, and cis people who aren't actively working to dismantle that are complicit in ongoing abuse.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
On the Not-Getting-It-ness of the "Socialized As" Objection
Thinking about "socialized as" narratives, and how they're often created by and/or twisted into the cis agenda. Even non-TERFs seem to have this idea that our sense of ourselves and our place in society is based on behavioral conditioning specific to the gender our parents/teachers/friends assumed we were. This can look like a lot of things, but Ember Assington and I had a chat about a specific example of childhood gender socialization: Christian sexual "purity".
No matter how loudly some Christians claim "no sex outside of marriage" applies to boys equally, they aren't fooling anyone here that it's really about controlling girls. Girls need to "save themselves", girls need to dress "modestly", and married women need to suddenly do a 180 and become sexually available (but on *his* terms).
Ember and I both got a heavy dose of this growing up. We both tried to peform to the best of our abilities, and we both knew which gender role everyone expected us to fulfill. But we didn't internalize those gendered messages they were attempting to target us with, not really.
I never really believed I had sinned when I had sex before marriage. It was fun! I was glad to finally express myself sexually. I knew I had to play "virgin" still, and yes, that in itself is oppression. However, I wasn't dealing with any guilt or shame because I was incapable of feeling like it really applied to me as a non-girl.
Ember's experience was, sadly, the inverse. All the "male socialization" in the world won't give a non-boy feelings of entitlement to girl's bodies or a sense of sexual autonomy. They instead deeply struggled with guilt and shame of "impurity", the natural result of being a girl under Christian patriarchy.
And that's just one aspect of what trans socialization really looks like, one drop in the bucket. We all have so many different experiences which are constantly being retroactively misgendered by cis society (even feminism). I hope for a day when our stories aren't estranged.
What are your stories?
No matter how loudly some Christians claim "no sex outside of marriage" applies to boys equally, they aren't fooling anyone here that it's really about controlling girls. Girls need to "save themselves", girls need to dress "modestly", and married women need to suddenly do a 180 and become sexually available (but on *his* terms).
Ember and I both got a heavy dose of this growing up. We both tried to peform to the best of our abilities, and we both knew which gender role everyone expected us to fulfill. But we didn't internalize those gendered messages they were attempting to target us with, not really.
I never really believed I had sinned when I had sex before marriage. It was fun! I was glad to finally express myself sexually. I knew I had to play "virgin" still, and yes, that in itself is oppression. However, I wasn't dealing with any guilt or shame because I was incapable of feeling like it really applied to me as a non-girl.
Ember's experience was, sadly, the inverse. All the "male socialization" in the world won't give a non-boy feelings of entitlement to girl's bodies or a sense of sexual autonomy. They instead deeply struggled with guilt and shame of "impurity", the natural result of being a girl under Christian patriarchy.
And that's just one aspect of what trans socialization really looks like, one drop in the bucket. We all have so many different experiences which are constantly being retroactively misgendered by cis society (even feminism). I hope for a day when our stories aren't estranged.
What are your stories?
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Attempting to Define Gender, a Case Study
What is the definition of "woman"? When I first saw the essay "Are Lesbians Women?" by Jacob Hale [trans man], it piqued my interest, partly because one of the first objections to my gender when I came out as genderqueer was that if I cannot adequately define "woman", I cannot adequately define myself to be outside of "woman". (One wonders why it would not suggest that, given the allegedly questionable validity of womanhood itself, I could be more easily "allowed" to define myself outside of it, but I digress.)
Pop culturally, trans women are not "real women", but a quick google reveals that cis women can have their "real woman" card revoked as well (though albeit on a somewhat different "no true scotsman" level). "Are Lesbians Women?" attempts to break down the fundamentals of womanhood into a list of what society has generally agreed are the criteria. Jacob Hale is quick to point out that no one single item on the list is "necessary or sufficient", meaning you can generally leave one off and still be included within the category of "woman" by society, but if you can only count one in your favor you are not included. For example: while "identifies as a woman" should be necessary and sufficient for womanhood, society rejects that criterion as such.
1. Absence of a penis
2. Presence of breasts
3. Presence of reproductive organs which allow for pregnancy to occur
4. Presence of estrogen and progesterone in balance with androgens within "normal" range
5. Presence of XX, or perhaps absence of Y, chromosomes
6. Having a gender identity as a woman
7. Having an occupation considered to be acceptable for a woman
8. Engaging in leisure pursuits considered to be acceptable for a woman
9. Engaging in some sort of sexual/affectional relationship with a man who is commonly recognized as heterosexual
10. Achieving and maintaining a physical gender self-presentation the elements of which work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
11. Behaving in ways to produce the gender assignment "woman"
12. Giving textual [documentation] cues that work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
13. Having an unbroken history consistent with the gender assignment "woman"
Notice that, thanks to the work of feminists, some of these categories have been so expanded as to include most people of any gender, particularly #s 7 and 8, and 10 and 11 to a lesser extent. Perhaps that's what my well-meaning friends are saying when they insist that I do not fall outside of sufficient criteria, because to a certain extent I cannot fall outside a criteria which encompasses nearly everything. However, as it stands, I only fully satisfy some of these requirements at this point (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 12), others are satisfied/unsatisfied in different ways at different stages of my life (7, 8, 9, 10, 11), and I definitely do not satisfy a few obvious ones (6, 13). It becomes even more complex when one realizes that #s 1-5 cannot be verified as fact by others without an intimate understanding of my medical history.
What about "lesbian" - can that be a gender identity in its own right independent of woman? (Yes, anything can be a gender identity. And no, claiming your gender identity is "squirrel" doesn't make you cute, it makes you a jerk.) How many criteria of "woman" can one violate and still be "lesbian"? For example, a genderqueer friend satisfies #s 7, 8, 11; partially satisfies 10; and does not satisfy 1-5 or 9. They also answer #6 as "identifies as lesbian" (among other gender labels).
There are many questions yet unanswered: How "woman" is "woman enough"? How many criteria must one meet before one is "real"; how many criteria must one violate before one is "fake"? How do we take into account the different ways different people rank the importance of different criteria? How do we allow for the ways that race, ethnicity, class, religion, sexuality, regional location, etc influence the threshold of each criterion? To whom do we defer authority to answer these and further questions on authentic womanhood, and how do we process dissent? Certainly Jacob Hale was in no position to answer all of these, and certainly I am neither, but that's the way I rather prefer it to be.
Pop culturally, trans women are not "real women", but a quick google reveals that cis women can have their "real woman" card revoked as well (though albeit on a somewhat different "no true scotsman" level). "Are Lesbians Women?" attempts to break down the fundamentals of womanhood into a list of what society has generally agreed are the criteria. Jacob Hale is quick to point out that no one single item on the list is "necessary or sufficient", meaning you can generally leave one off and still be included within the category of "woman" by society, but if you can only count one in your favor you are not included. For example: while "identifies as a woman" should be necessary and sufficient for womanhood, society rejects that criterion as such.
1. Absence of a penis
2. Presence of breasts
3. Presence of reproductive organs which allow for pregnancy to occur
4. Presence of estrogen and progesterone in balance with androgens within "normal" range
5. Presence of XX, or perhaps absence of Y, chromosomes
6. Having a gender identity as a woman
7. Having an occupation considered to be acceptable for a woman
8. Engaging in leisure pursuits considered to be acceptable for a woman
9. Engaging in some sort of sexual/affectional relationship with a man who is commonly recognized as heterosexual
10. Achieving and maintaining a physical gender self-presentation the elements of which work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
11. Behaving in ways to produce the gender assignment "woman"
12. Giving textual [documentation] cues that work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
13. Having an unbroken history consistent with the gender assignment "woman"
Notice that, thanks to the work of feminists, some of these categories have been so expanded as to include most people of any gender, particularly #s 7 and 8, and 10 and 11 to a lesser extent. Perhaps that's what my well-meaning friends are saying when they insist that I do not fall outside of sufficient criteria, because to a certain extent I cannot fall outside a criteria which encompasses nearly everything. However, as it stands, I only fully satisfy some of these requirements at this point (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 12), others are satisfied/unsatisfied in different ways at different stages of my life (7, 8, 9, 10, 11), and I definitely do not satisfy a few obvious ones (6, 13). It becomes even more complex when one realizes that #s 1-5 cannot be verified as fact by others without an intimate understanding of my medical history.
What about "lesbian" - can that be a gender identity in its own right independent of woman? (Yes, anything can be a gender identity. And no, claiming your gender identity is "squirrel" doesn't make you cute, it makes you a jerk.) How many criteria of "woman" can one violate and still be "lesbian"? For example, a genderqueer friend satisfies #s 7, 8, 11; partially satisfies 10; and does not satisfy 1-5 or 9. They also answer #6 as "identifies as lesbian" (among other gender labels).
There are many questions yet unanswered: How "woman" is "woman enough"? How many criteria must one meet before one is "real"; how many criteria must one violate before one is "fake"? How do we take into account the different ways different people rank the importance of different criteria? How do we allow for the ways that race, ethnicity, class, religion, sexuality, regional location, etc influence the threshold of each criterion? To whom do we defer authority to answer these and further questions on authentic womanhood, and how do we process dissent? Certainly Jacob Hale was in no position to answer all of these, and certainly I am neither, but that's the way I rather prefer it to be.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Trans Suicide Rates
For Transgender Day of Remembrance, let us remember that violence comes in more forms than direct physical attacks:
"A staggering 41% of respondents reported attempting suicide compared to 1.6% of the general population, with rates rising for those who lost a job due to bias (55%), were harassed/bullied in school (51%), had low household income, or were the victim of physical assault (61%) or sexual assault (64%)." http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_summary.pdf
"Nearly half (49%) of black respondents reported having attempted suicide." http://www.transequality.org/PDFs/BlackTransFactsheetFINAL_090811.pdf
"[Non-binary/genderqueer people] are slightly more likely to have attempted suicide at some point in their life (43 percent) than [binary transgender people] (40 percent). Both of these figures strike a stark contrast against the 1.6 percent rate of suicide attempts over the lifespan for the general U.S. population" http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/release_materials/agendernotlistedhere.pdf
So, for TDoR, I want to remind you that even if you feel like you don't matter to anyone in the world, you matter to us. Please remember that self-care is not selfish, that sometimes reaching out for help makes you the strongest person in the world. It may not "get better", but every time a trans person lives another day, you have the satisfaction of knowing you've pissed off a fundamentalist simply for existing.
"A staggering 41% of respondents reported attempting suicide compared to 1.6% of the general population, with rates rising for those who lost a job due to bias (55%), were harassed/bullied in school (51%), had low household income, or were the victim of physical assault (61%) or sexual assault (64%)." http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_summary.pdf
"Nearly half (49%) of black respondents reported having attempted suicide." http://www.transequality.org/PDFs/BlackTransFactsheetFINAL_090811.pdf
"[Non-binary/genderqueer people] are slightly more likely to have attempted suicide at some point in their life (43 percent) than [binary transgender people] (40 percent). Both of these figures strike a stark contrast against the 1.6 percent rate of suicide attempts over the lifespan for the general U.S. population" http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/release_materials/agendernotlistedhere.pdf
So, for TDoR, I want to remind you that even if you feel like you don't matter to anyone in the world, you matter to us. Please remember that self-care is not selfish, that sometimes reaching out for help makes you the strongest person in the world. It may not "get better", but every time a trans person lives another day, you have the satisfaction of knowing you've pissed off a fundamentalist simply for existing.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 19: Ellen/Kell
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
In grade ten of high school, I cut my hair short. I began to hairspray it some days, so it stood straight up; on these days, people would look at me and smile, and double take, and say they liked the look. I noticed, but I didn't pay attention, really, to these reactions. I felt exactly myself, and what made me proud was being able to talk to my friends without them mentioning how I looked, becoming familiar with the look. It started intrigue to La Roux, and represents androgyny and genderqueer to me, which is who I am.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I have taken ballet for six years now, and recently found discomfort in classes due to the obvious female presentation of my body. I normally wear loose fitting or layered clothing, which hides my breasts and shape, and gives me comfort in being my preferred attire, but dance class has me wearing semi-sheer tights and a close-fitted bodysuit. As well, in classes with male dancers, there is frequently a different part for the male and female dancers, and it makes me feel almost naseous being categorized with the "females".
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
I'm frustrated by how little understanding there is of trans* in genral and the idea of a third or a non-gender identity specifically. I think education about the correlation between the brain and body, and the disconnect in some individuals, would help the understanding of dysphoria. I also think the introduction of gender neutral pronouns, such as ze and hir, into community would enable us, enable me, to be more comfortable, and happier, in this life.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Ellen/Kell, genderqueer, Canada, 17
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
In grade ten of high school, I cut my hair short. I began to hairspray it some days, so it stood straight up; on these days, people would look at me and smile, and double take, and say they liked the look. I noticed, but I didn't pay attention, really, to these reactions. I felt exactly myself, and what made me proud was being able to talk to my friends without them mentioning how I looked, becoming familiar with the look. It started intrigue to La Roux, and represents androgyny and genderqueer to me, which is who I am.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I have taken ballet for six years now, and recently found discomfort in classes due to the obvious female presentation of my body. I normally wear loose fitting or layered clothing, which hides my breasts and shape, and gives me comfort in being my preferred attire, but dance class has me wearing semi-sheer tights and a close-fitted bodysuit. As well, in classes with male dancers, there is frequently a different part for the male and female dancers, and it makes me feel almost naseous being categorized with the "females".
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
I'm frustrated by how little understanding there is of trans* in genral and the idea of a third or a non-gender identity specifically. I think education about the correlation between the brain and body, and the disconnect in some individuals, would help the understanding of dysphoria. I also think the introduction of gender neutral pronouns, such as ze and hir, into community would enable us, enable me, to be more comfortable, and happier, in this life.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Ellen/Kell, genderqueer, Canada, 17
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 18: Jay
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was going to the beach with a group of friends. Normally I feel really embarassed and awkward at the beach because I'm the only 'girl' most of the time in swim trunks and a t-shirt. My mom had made me feel awful over it too, and left me feeling down. But my friends didn't comment on it at all and we spent the day swimming, and I didn't have to wear the stupid bathing suit my mom had bought me and could walk around in trunks and the sun was warm and it was just wonderful.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
the most common times are during surveys or when people ask that people divide based on gender. I'm in the middle, and I flip back and forth without any reason or rhyme. It's tough to identify as either female or male, and often I refuse to circle either on a survey or test. In public events though or during activities, it's hard to speak up and say that you don't feel like you belong on the female or male end of the room.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
A big thing is encourage the making of gender-neutral washrooms. Everyone deserves the right to pee without feeling uncomfortable or embarassed. I don't always look female, and I don't always look male, and I'd like to be able to not have to panic everytime I have to use the washroom. Never make someone uncomfortable either for using a washroom, if they aren't hurting anyone, just let them do their business in peace.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Name: Jay/ Identify as: genderfluid/queer
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was going to the beach with a group of friends. Normally I feel really embarassed and awkward at the beach because I'm the only 'girl' most of the time in swim trunks and a t-shirt. My mom had made me feel awful over it too, and left me feeling down. But my friends didn't comment on it at all and we spent the day swimming, and I didn't have to wear the stupid bathing suit my mom had bought me and could walk around in trunks and the sun was warm and it was just wonderful.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
the most common times are during surveys or when people ask that people divide based on gender. I'm in the middle, and I flip back and forth without any reason or rhyme. It's tough to identify as either female or male, and often I refuse to circle either on a survey or test. In public events though or during activities, it's hard to speak up and say that you don't feel like you belong on the female or male end of the room.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
A big thing is encourage the making of gender-neutral washrooms. Everyone deserves the right to pee without feeling uncomfortable or embarassed. I don't always look female, and I don't always look male, and I'd like to be able to not have to panic everytime I have to use the washroom. Never make someone uncomfortable either for using a washroom, if they aren't hurting anyone, just let them do their business in peace.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Name: Jay/ Identify as: genderfluid/queer
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 15: Austin
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
When I found a group of people who were like me and understood my feelings about societies views of gender and understood how I view my own gender.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
When for a long time when I was younger my parents wouldn't accept me because of there religion and I couldn't live or be who I wanted. Also the times when I really don't want to be stared at or have the possibility of being discriminated against so I dress in a gender conforming way at those times.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Focus more on sexism, genderism, transphobia, and the negative impact gender roles and the binary have on people who don't fit it. Use science to debunk the notions of gender essentialism and the binary. Educate the public on how religion creates a false and narrow view of what gender is and how there is more diversity than religion wants you to see. Also include all gender and sexual minorities in the dialog of humanism. Just because you support gay marriage doesn't mean you are including all queer people.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Austin femme genderqueer
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
When I found a group of people who were like me and understood my feelings about societies views of gender and understood how I view my own gender.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
When for a long time when I was younger my parents wouldn't accept me because of there religion and I couldn't live or be who I wanted. Also the times when I really don't want to be stared at or have the possibility of being discriminated against so I dress in a gender conforming way at those times.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Focus more on sexism, genderism, transphobia, and the negative impact gender roles and the binary have on people who don't fit it. Use science to debunk the notions of gender essentialism and the binary. Educate the public on how religion creates a false and narrow view of what gender is and how there is more diversity than religion wants you to see. Also include all gender and sexual minorities in the dialog of humanism. Just because you support gay marriage doesn't mean you are including all queer people.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Austin femme genderqueer
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, July 21, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 11: M
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
A group of friends and I were all enthusiastically discussing a film we all love but have never watched collectively. Everyone but me identified as a cisgender woman. A friend exclaimed "Let's have a ladies' night!" Not a single beat later, she corrected herself "A people's night!" - and in chorus with several other people who were present. Not only did my friend catch herself and correct herself without me needing to speak up, my other friends were ready and willing to do that work for me, knowing how I have to deal with misgendering all the time from strangers and intimates alike and wanting to offer me a break from continual education and advocacy. It made me feel like they really have my back on this issue.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
Pretty much every day. Genderqueer where I live is not a widely recognized gender category, nor is it known to my family and most of my friends. As a curvaceous person, no matter how masculinely I cut my hair or how tightly I bind, so far people consistently perceive me as female. When I choose to come out to someone, I have to explain what my gender identity means, and I continual struggle with how to word it so that people don't dismiss me as being "precious," or whatever. Just walking down the street, I have to deal with misogynistic harassment, people saying "excuse me ma'am" or "pardon me, girl" or whatever gendered nouns and honorifics they feel they must use in situations that really, really don't require any.
Worst, I cannot be out at work. Not because my workplace is hostile, thankfully, but because: how do you explain, in our heavily binaristic and heternormative culture, the concept of genderqueer and pronouns and bodies to the specific adults with special needs with whom I work? I came really close accidentally one time, when I asked a man I work with to please stop using "ladies" for a group that included me ("ladies" is a particular pet peeve of mine). He answered with "Well, that's what you are isn't it? You aren't some...thing." Most of the people I work with wouldn't be any better at looking at a body like mine and remembering that it isn't female than my neurotypical friends are (they need reminding often enough), and many of them struggle with language and don't need an extra pronoun or two thrown in the mix - ones that are not in popular use and that their families probably wouldn't understand. (I want to be really clear that I am talking about specific people whom I know very well, not painting a broad community as incapable of understanding gender diversity.)
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Mostly, genderqueer/nonbinarism isn't very well known, in my experience. Education in that matter is important - and it provides a lead-in to a very simple and important point that would greatly decrease my discomfort just walking around in the world - "Don't use gendered terms with/for folks who haven't explicitly identified their gender to you, especially when addressing strangers." "Have a great day!" and "Sorry for bumping you!" are perfectly polite and require no added "ma'am" or "lady" or "girl" or "sir" or "man" to be perceived as such.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
M, 26, agender/genderqueer, PDX
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
A group of friends and I were all enthusiastically discussing a film we all love but have never watched collectively. Everyone but me identified as a cisgender woman. A friend exclaimed "Let's have a ladies' night!" Not a single beat later, she corrected herself "A people's night!" - and in chorus with several other people who were present. Not only did my friend catch herself and correct herself without me needing to speak up, my other friends were ready and willing to do that work for me, knowing how I have to deal with misgendering all the time from strangers and intimates alike and wanting to offer me a break from continual education and advocacy. It made me feel like they really have my back on this issue.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
Pretty much every day. Genderqueer where I live is not a widely recognized gender category, nor is it known to my family and most of my friends. As a curvaceous person, no matter how masculinely I cut my hair or how tightly I bind, so far people consistently perceive me as female. When I choose to come out to someone, I have to explain what my gender identity means, and I continual struggle with how to word it so that people don't dismiss me as being "precious," or whatever. Just walking down the street, I have to deal with misogynistic harassment, people saying "excuse me ma'am" or "pardon me, girl" or whatever gendered nouns and honorifics they feel they must use in situations that really, really don't require any.
Worst, I cannot be out at work. Not because my workplace is hostile, thankfully, but because: how do you explain, in our heavily binaristic and heternormative culture, the concept of genderqueer and pronouns and bodies to the specific adults with special needs with whom I work? I came really close accidentally one time, when I asked a man I work with to please stop using "ladies" for a group that included me ("ladies" is a particular pet peeve of mine). He answered with "Well, that's what you are isn't it? You aren't some...thing." Most of the people I work with wouldn't be any better at looking at a body like mine and remembering that it isn't female than my neurotypical friends are (they need reminding often enough), and many of them struggle with language and don't need an extra pronoun or two thrown in the mix - ones that are not in popular use and that their families probably wouldn't understand. (I want to be really clear that I am talking about specific people whom I know very well, not painting a broad community as incapable of understanding gender diversity.)
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Mostly, genderqueer/nonbinarism isn't very well known, in my experience. Education in that matter is important - and it provides a lead-in to a very simple and important point that would greatly decrease my discomfort just walking around in the world - "Don't use gendered terms with/for folks who haven't explicitly identified their gender to you, especially when addressing strangers." "Have a great day!" and "Sorry for bumping you!" are perfectly polite and require no added "ma'am" or "lady" or "girl" or "sir" or "man" to be perceived as such.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
M, 26, agender/genderqueer, PDX
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 10: Badger
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was having a conversation with a close friend about struggling with gender identity, expectations and presentations. Pronouns were a strong feature of our discussion. I explained, as best I could, that I didn't feel like I sat comfortably as male or female and I was trying to find myself a series of pronouns that worked for me. We spent time researching the history of pronouns and found that 'se' (pronounced like the letter C) which formerly was a pronoun for women, but eventually became 'she' in modern English. My friend pointed out, in addition to it being representative of my history as a woman, it also included a slight pun ("Society has options A and B, and you chose C!").
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
Coming from a conservative family, my gender presentation is frequently highlighted and called out. I knew, even when just entering high school, I wanted to wear a tux for my senior prom. My mother, despite two years of foreknowledge, was adamantly opposed to the idea and eventually managed to smother it. While the dress I ended up wearing was of my own choosing, the fact still remains that she deliberately and aggressively pushed against my wishes.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Amplify our voices. Listen to us. Pay attention when we say something pertaining to our community. Be willing to be wrong.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Badger, 18, Texas
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was having a conversation with a close friend about struggling with gender identity, expectations and presentations. Pronouns were a strong feature of our discussion. I explained, as best I could, that I didn't feel like I sat comfortably as male or female and I was trying to find myself a series of pronouns that worked for me. We spent time researching the history of pronouns and found that 'se' (pronounced like the letter C) which formerly was a pronoun for women, but eventually became 'she' in modern English. My friend pointed out, in addition to it being representative of my history as a woman, it also included a slight pun ("Society has options A and B, and you chose C!").
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
Coming from a conservative family, my gender presentation is frequently highlighted and called out. I knew, even when just entering high school, I wanted to wear a tux for my senior prom. My mother, despite two years of foreknowledge, was adamantly opposed to the idea and eventually managed to smother it. While the dress I ended up wearing was of my own choosing, the fact still remains that she deliberately and aggressively pushed against my wishes.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Amplify our voices. Listen to us. Pay attention when we say something pertaining to our community. Be willing to be wrong.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Badger, 18, Texas
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 9: CRJ
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
When someone asked me what pronoun I prefer in an offline context. It has happened only once. But it meant the world to me.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I pretty much have to present as a cisman for fear of economic retribution and fear of social isolation. I struggle daily with this, and one day it might be a day too far and I might forgo my fears.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
One of the most fundamental changes is to accept that gender is a spectrum and not a binary, and to promote this view. This goes beyond pronouns - it is about transforming the outlook towards gender in general. At a more direct level, support for legal and/or institutional measures that mitigate or even eliminate binary requirements on gender - everything from forms that only accept two responses for gender, to bathrooms rights.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
crj, 35, gq, nyc, pr
Survey results shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
When someone asked me what pronoun I prefer in an offline context. It has happened only once. But it meant the world to me.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I pretty much have to present as a cisman for fear of economic retribution and fear of social isolation. I struggle daily with this, and one day it might be a day too far and I might forgo my fears.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
One of the most fundamental changes is to accept that gender is a spectrum and not a binary, and to promote this view. This goes beyond pronouns - it is about transforming the outlook towards gender in general. At a more direct level, support for legal and/or institutional measures that mitigate or even eliminate binary requirements on gender - everything from forms that only accept two responses for gender, to bathrooms rights.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
crj, 35, gq, nyc, pr
Survey results shared with permission.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 8
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
The department store I work at has coworkers who really encouraged me to wear makeup. This was something I wasn't comfortable with until I discovered that genderqueerness existed and I feel the binary break down whenever I clock in.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
In high school show choir, boys and girls were divided and given different choreography. Girls got more complicated and interesting dance moves while we got simply stuff even when most of the girls had just as little dance experience as we did. I asked if we could do something else that didn't divide us by gender all the time but my complaints were ignored.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Encourage the performing arts to break down modern gender roles and reward and spread of new and innovating ways of expression for all genders.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
White, 20, genderqueer, bi/pansexual
Survey results shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
The department store I work at has coworkers who really encouraged me to wear makeup. This was something I wasn't comfortable with until I discovered that genderqueerness existed and I feel the binary break down whenever I clock in.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
In high school show choir, boys and girls were divided and given different choreography. Girls got more complicated and interesting dance moves while we got simply stuff even when most of the girls had just as little dance experience as we did. I asked if we could do something else that didn't divide us by gender all the time but my complaints were ignored.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Encourage the performing arts to break down modern gender roles and reward and spread of new and innovating ways of expression for all genders.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
White, 20, genderqueer, bi/pansexual
Survey results shared with permission.
Sunday, June 16, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 6: Lola
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
One of the most recent and happier events was during my appointment with my new endocrinologist. I had expected that I would not be able to be seen at a gender identity clinic (GIC) because I wasn't "fully transitioning" or trying to "live as male" (whatever that means), but my endocrinologist, who works at one of the best GICs in the UK, said that yes, they would not only see me but there might be funding for top surgery. He asked me about my pronouns and used them correctly and even wrote a letter to my GP asking me to begin the process of being referred to a GIC. :)
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
As sad as it is, sometimes I feel not quite taken seriously by people within the trans* community. I've actually had to defend being non-binary identified more to other trans* people than to cis people. While I'm aware that cis people have more power over my life and my situation than trans* people do, it's disheartening to feel like your own people don't take you seriously. I've had comments made towards me that basically suggest that I'm not trans* enough to speak about any trans* experience because I am "non-operative" (which is irrelevant but also untrue) or because I'm "just an AFAB genderqueer". I've been outright told that I'm just a "silly little genderqueer" during a debate. I understand and fully admit that I do have a relatively large amount of cis passing privilege and that I am stealth in a lot of situations which means that people don't often know I'm trans*. I face little actual harassment because of the choices I choose to make in how I present myself. But I do feel like I'm quite often taken less seriously because I'm not binary identified or am not purposefully trying to shove myself into an androgynous gender presenting box.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Support organisations that do well for trans* people, I suppose. Provide spaces for trans* events. I run a clothing swap that's hosted in a Unitarian church that's very open and inclusive. Churches aren't known welcoming spaces for trans* people, but this space really is and it's given me a lot. So definitely providing space, time, funding, or anything you can to currently operating trans* groups is ideal.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Lola, genderqueer, 25, white, disabled
Survey results shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
One of the most recent and happier events was during my appointment with my new endocrinologist. I had expected that I would not be able to be seen at a gender identity clinic (GIC) because I wasn't "fully transitioning" or trying to "live as male" (whatever that means), but my endocrinologist, who works at one of the best GICs in the UK, said that yes, they would not only see me but there might be funding for top surgery. He asked me about my pronouns and used them correctly and even wrote a letter to my GP asking me to begin the process of being referred to a GIC. :)
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
As sad as it is, sometimes I feel not quite taken seriously by people within the trans* community. I've actually had to defend being non-binary identified more to other trans* people than to cis people. While I'm aware that cis people have more power over my life and my situation than trans* people do, it's disheartening to feel like your own people don't take you seriously. I've had comments made towards me that basically suggest that I'm not trans* enough to speak about any trans* experience because I am "non-operative" (which is irrelevant but also untrue) or because I'm "just an AFAB genderqueer". I've been outright told that I'm just a "silly little genderqueer" during a debate. I understand and fully admit that I do have a relatively large amount of cis passing privilege and that I am stealth in a lot of situations which means that people don't often know I'm trans*. I face little actual harassment because of the choices I choose to make in how I present myself. But I do feel like I'm quite often taken less seriously because I'm not binary identified or am not purposefully trying to shove myself into an androgynous gender presenting box.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Support organisations that do well for trans* people, I suppose. Provide spaces for trans* events. I run a clothing swap that's hosted in a Unitarian church that's very open and inclusive. Churches aren't known welcoming spaces for trans* people, but this space really is and it's given me a lot. So definitely providing space, time, funding, or anything you can to currently operating trans* groups is ideal.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Lola, genderqueer, 25, white, disabled
Survey results shared with permission.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 1: Andy
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people
I'm going to be giving a talk to the Ethical Society of St Louis about genderqueer issues. I'm asking genderqueer people to share our experiences with the humanist community, and I figured I might as well start with myself!
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I am fortunate to have many, but the most recent was last weekend at my friends Laura and Dustin's wedding. I loved being around so many of the people I care about, meeting new people, them all accepting me. Got a lot of compliments about the bow tie, and even some on my dancing. Lulz, little do they know, I can't dance, I merely am able to flail about in time with the music.
I think one the the most heart-warming gender moments was when I explained to my son about who I am, and he got so excited and told me how cool that is. He "gets it" way more than most other people I know - almost never forgets my prefered gender-neutral parental title, and immediately corrects himself if he does. He also is comfortable with the right for people to self-identify rather than falling back on an ideological gender essentialism. He's also 6, so that might have a lot to do with it. :D
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
Well... there really isn't any space to be genderqueer in the insurance world. There just isn't. I'm there for my functional utility and to be likeable. I need to be what customers want me to be, or it makes the agency look bad, and making the agency look bad makes my bosses look bad, and making my bosses look bad makes my position less secure. This is not unique to me either. Many (if not most) genderqueer people have employment dilemmas such as mine.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
I think the humanist community could focus on gender equality beyond simply women's liberation. This isn't to say placing one struggle over the other, but to say that all gender rights are intertwined. That feminism is incomplete without transgender activism, and vice versa. That gender equality isn't just about creating two equal genders, but also creating the freedom for people to choose all genders equally.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Andy, 26, genderqueer, St Louis, white, humanist, Whovian.
Friday, October 26, 2012
He/him
Edit: this was at a time when I was contemplating using he/him pronouns. I currently use they/them.
I feel a sort of a failure for giving in to binary pronouns. I've stuck fast to my ideology for almost 2 years now, but as much as I love beating my head against a wall, I've decided to give my head a rest (or the wall, whichever way you look at it).
I feel a sort of a failure for giving in to binary pronouns. I've stuck fast to my ideology for almost 2 years now, but as much as I love beating my head against a wall, I've decided to give my head a rest (or the wall, whichever way you look at it).
But the fact is, people will not gender me correctly. And I mean will, as in willfully. I have heard every excuse under the book as to why people deserve indefinite free passes on using ze/hir like I've asked. And I'm meant to take this as a reasonable violation of my trust.
Now my son has turned 6. I've got to somehow navigate connecting this issue with him in a meaningful way, and I can't do that in a world in which I'm continually crossed on all sides - emotionally, I can't.
It breaks me somewhat. The same way it frustrates me that I can't vote for the Green Party which actually gives a shit about people like me, and I'm faced with a "choice" between the Democrats and Bigotry Incarnate.
And then people see me make the most of what I have, and they feel validated somehow. How glorious for them! I've reinforced their binary! See, they really knew what was best for me all along!
So here I am, wearing the Emperor's Hand-Me-Downs, where everyone tells me how great I look now I've finally heeded their expertise, as I hand over my dignity.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Genderqueer vs Transgender Struggles
Anonymous asked: So what are some of the differences in oppression that you personally have faced in being genderqueer vs. being transgender but having a binary identity. (sorry if the question is sort of confusing)
Well I haven’t experienced both personally, not ever having been binary trans, but here’s a bit of what I experience:
- I pretty much will never get the option to go “stealth” as my gender, even if I wouldn’t wish to take it. Only men and women get to blend into this binary society as themselves.
- According to the government, I don’t exist; instead they have a record of some woman living as me, and there’s literally no legal recourse for correcting my records.
- People (cis and trans) use me as a “whipping boy” for their own unresolved gender issues. I’m happy to help people who are questioning their own identity, but I don’t appreciate others resolving their identities through challenging mine.
Further reading: http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/release_materials/agendernotlistedhere.pdf "By examining just a few of the key domains of the study, such as education, health care, employment, and police, it seems clear that gender variant respondents, including those who see their gender as hybrid, fluid, and/or rejecting of the male-female binary, are suffering significant impacts of anti-transgender bias and in some cases are at higher risk for discrimination and violence than their transgender counterparts in the study."
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