Showing posts with label transgender. Show all posts
Showing posts with label transgender. Show all posts
Friday, March 29, 2019
Free Breast Forms
A simple order form you can share around, for anyone who wants free crochet breast forms (for bra stuffing) - anonymous orders allowed! https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSeWNses5JmjK_D88uKF58t0qyvwXDTAq63whOU1BUOGppr19w/viewform
Thursday, August 30, 2018
Leveraging Intersex
I’ve been bad about this, and continually need to check myself, but leveraging the existence of intersex people in gender discourse is frequently objectification and erasure both. I don’t need to explain or justify my genitals to anyone - nobody does. And people do know about intersex bodies - they’re fully aware and have enacted great violence upon those individuals to “normalize” them. It’s not that some people don’t think a wide spectrum of humanity exists, it’s that some people think we shouldn’t exist even when we do.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
It's not just about the restrooms but because you all keep making it about the restrooms we can talk about that...
Presented to Celebrate Diversity 2017 in Warsaw, Indiana.
I stand with my young child and face two doors, knowing what I need can be found behind both, aware that choosing one over the other is to publicly declare my deepest political allegiances. I casually make my way through Door #1, hoping nobody will notice. “Sir” I look up, and realize she’s looking directly at me. I’ve been found out. “Sir, you want to be over there,” she commands as she points directly toward Door #2, valiantly defending the innocence of the flock of preschool girls we’re both surrounded by. We go into the other room without a fuss. My child peers into a nearby urinal with suspicion at its contents, then up at me. “Mommy, what-” I swiftly brush him into the nearest stall before he can utter any more incriminating words, not knowing how to explain to a preschooler that there is no Door #3 for people like me.
There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender. Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us. If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons, what could you do about this situation? If your proposed response is to outlaw transgender people, you just might be Indiana Republican state Senator Jim Tomes. Bear with me, I’m quoting him verbatim: “What about the other sector of society of people that who have all through the decades women been using women’s restrooms and men been using men’s restrooms and kind of like that and kind of expect that level of privacy?”
Don’t worry about people who are actually predators and convicted sex offenders; the real danger has been me all along! Nevermind that if there really were an epidemic of cross-dressing voyeurs peeping under bathroom stalls, Fox News would be plastering their mug shots all over scare pieces in a never-ending parade of shame. Meanwhile, the true stories of abuse and violence against transgender folks in public spaces get pushed to the back pages of the news.
I don't like the men's restrooms because I'm not a man, I’m nonbinary. I am familiar with the women's restrooms, but I'm not a woman, and I raise far too many suspicions in there now for my comfort anyway. I have gotten very skilled at finding single-user restrooms wherever I go, but I will use the men's room now if it's urgent, and carry myself with the confidence of a mediocre white man in a generally successful attempt to blend in.
I’m disturbed by a trend lately, where some men gleefully plot for (or at least dream about) pushing themselves into women's restrooms in an attempt to get kicked out. Sometimes it’s cis men [“cisgender” means someone who is not transgender]. These cis men are attempting to “prove” that anyone can “fake” being trans simply by throwing on a dress. Sometimes it’s trans men posting selfies, and then "surprise! I have a vagina!" It's supposed to “prove” that they don't belong in women’s restrooms because they "look like a man". The problem is that all of this harms women. Many trans women are suspected of “faking” their genders and that's why these laws are being passed in the first place. They are enforced by targeting women who “look like men”, which hurts all women, trans and cis alike. Plus, at its most basic this trend an example of cis and trans men forcing their way past women’s stated boundaries in an attempt to intimidate them to get their own way. What if masculinity were used for justice instead of violence?
In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom. So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms - yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice - why now do we suddenly have this deep and urgent need for laws to segregate and outlaw us? Honestly, it's for the money. This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice. I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here: many of them use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.
Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe. Laws can only provide recourse against harms already caused, for those of us who can even afford legal action, but they don’t change the hearts and minds of those who act against us. The fact is, we cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation. I mean that in the fullest sense. We cannot be safe in a society that demands “separate yet equal” restrooms.
Racial segregation dates back to 1849; the first separate gendered restroom ordinances came 40 years later, in 1887. When you dig into the arguments presented when proposing these gendered restrictions over the past century, you will find that it wasn’t about protecting women from men, it especially wasn’t about protecting black women from white men, it was always about protecting white women from black men by demonizing blackness. Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.
I again want to make it very clear that the root of the violence against my people isn’t the laws, it’s the prevailing mentality of a society that accepts a certain order of things as “normal”, and anyone who deviates is deemed in need of correction. In a society where all genders were valid and deserving of equal recognition and protection, it would be unthinkable to demand some of us to hide ourselves while others flaunt your “normal” genders every chance you get. You accept gender segregation because you don’t see us as real people.
For example: a friend of mine on Facebook recently posted that she defended the right of trans women to use the women’s restroom alongside herself, but she wanted to ask all trans women to please place the seat down after they were finished. Several of her friends chimed in their complaints in the comments. I think they thought they were being cute, but the message was clear: normal women keep the seat down, fake women leave it up. It never occurred to them that if a trans woman leaves the seat up, then leaving the seat up is a normal way for women to use the toilet, because trans women are women, not objects for your scrutiny.
Separating us out as not normal, not like you, not fully people leaves us vulnerable even in places that aren’t segregated by gender, even in places designated specifically for us. Stonewall Inn, site of the Stonewall Riots of 1969, is famed as the birthplace of the modern gay rights movement. In March of last year, a transgender woman went into the single-user restroom of Stonewall Inn, and video surveillance shows a man following her in there, where he then attacked and raped her. There are no safe spaces for people who are deemed less than human.
Two years ago, I spent the weekend traveling the beautiful Ozarks of Missouri with my child and my transgender wife. We stopped at a gas station to fill up, and we needed a bathroom break. It was a tiny place with a single-user restroom on the exterior of the building, so we sat on the nearby bench to wait our turn. The man standing next in line before us refused to budge. Soon he was joined by another man, forming a barricade. A woman came out and begged him not to start anything, to just let us go. We quickly realized they were targeting us, refusing to let us access the single-user restroom, willing to escalate to violence if necessary. They didn’t see a family with a child. They didn’t see people. They just saw some deviants with fake genders. We will never be safe until we are real.
I stand with my young child and face two doors, knowing what I need can be found behind both, aware that choosing one over the other is to publicly declare my deepest political allegiances. I casually make my way through Door #1, hoping nobody will notice. “Sir” I look up, and realize she’s looking directly at me. I’ve been found out. “Sir, you want to be over there,” she commands as she points directly toward Door #2, valiantly defending the innocence of the flock of preschool girls we’re both surrounded by. We go into the other room without a fuss. My child peers into a nearby urinal with suspicion at its contents, then up at me. “Mommy, what-” I swiftly brush him into the nearest stall before he can utter any more incriminating words, not knowing how to explain to a preschooler that there is no Door #3 for people like me.
There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender. Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us. If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons, what could you do about this situation? If your proposed response is to outlaw transgender people, you just might be Indiana Republican state Senator Jim Tomes. Bear with me, I’m quoting him verbatim: “What about the other sector of society of people that who have all through the decades women been using women’s restrooms and men been using men’s restrooms and kind of like that and kind of expect that level of privacy?”
Don’t worry about people who are actually predators and convicted sex offenders; the real danger has been me all along! Nevermind that if there really were an epidemic of cross-dressing voyeurs peeping under bathroom stalls, Fox News would be plastering their mug shots all over scare pieces in a never-ending parade of shame. Meanwhile, the true stories of abuse and violence against transgender folks in public spaces get pushed to the back pages of the news.
I don't like the men's restrooms because I'm not a man, I’m nonbinary. I am familiar with the women's restrooms, but I'm not a woman, and I raise far too many suspicions in there now for my comfort anyway. I have gotten very skilled at finding single-user restrooms wherever I go, but I will use the men's room now if it's urgent, and carry myself with the confidence of a mediocre white man in a generally successful attempt to blend in.
I’m disturbed by a trend lately, where some men gleefully plot for (or at least dream about) pushing themselves into women's restrooms in an attempt to get kicked out. Sometimes it’s cis men [“cisgender” means someone who is not transgender]. These cis men are attempting to “prove” that anyone can “fake” being trans simply by throwing on a dress. Sometimes it’s trans men posting selfies, and then "surprise! I have a vagina!" It's supposed to “prove” that they don't belong in women’s restrooms because they "look like a man". The problem is that all of this harms women. Many trans women are suspected of “faking” their genders and that's why these laws are being passed in the first place. They are enforced by targeting women who “look like men”, which hurts all women, trans and cis alike. Plus, at its most basic this trend an example of cis and trans men forcing their way past women’s stated boundaries in an attempt to intimidate them to get their own way. What if masculinity were used for justice instead of violence?
In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom. So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms - yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice - why now do we suddenly have this deep and urgent need for laws to segregate and outlaw us? Honestly, it's for the money. This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice. I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here: many of them use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.
Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe. Laws can only provide recourse against harms already caused, for those of us who can even afford legal action, but they don’t change the hearts and minds of those who act against us. The fact is, we cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation. I mean that in the fullest sense. We cannot be safe in a society that demands “separate yet equal” restrooms.
Racial segregation dates back to 1849; the first separate gendered restroom ordinances came 40 years later, in 1887. When you dig into the arguments presented when proposing these gendered restrictions over the past century, you will find that it wasn’t about protecting women from men, it especially wasn’t about protecting black women from white men, it was always about protecting white women from black men by demonizing blackness. Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.
I again want to make it very clear that the root of the violence against my people isn’t the laws, it’s the prevailing mentality of a society that accepts a certain order of things as “normal”, and anyone who deviates is deemed in need of correction. In a society where all genders were valid and deserving of equal recognition and protection, it would be unthinkable to demand some of us to hide ourselves while others flaunt your “normal” genders every chance you get. You accept gender segregation because you don’t see us as real people.
For example: a friend of mine on Facebook recently posted that she defended the right of trans women to use the women’s restroom alongside herself, but she wanted to ask all trans women to please place the seat down after they were finished. Several of her friends chimed in their complaints in the comments. I think they thought they were being cute, but the message was clear: normal women keep the seat down, fake women leave it up. It never occurred to them that if a trans woman leaves the seat up, then leaving the seat up is a normal way for women to use the toilet, because trans women are women, not objects for your scrutiny.
Separating us out as not normal, not like you, not fully people leaves us vulnerable even in places that aren’t segregated by gender, even in places designated specifically for us. Stonewall Inn, site of the Stonewall Riots of 1969, is famed as the birthplace of the modern gay rights movement. In March of last year, a transgender woman went into the single-user restroom of Stonewall Inn, and video surveillance shows a man following her in there, where he then attacked and raped her. There are no safe spaces for people who are deemed less than human.
Two years ago, I spent the weekend traveling the beautiful Ozarks of Missouri with my child and my transgender wife. We stopped at a gas station to fill up, and we needed a bathroom break. It was a tiny place with a single-user restroom on the exterior of the building, so we sat on the nearby bench to wait our turn. The man standing next in line before us refused to budge. Soon he was joined by another man, forming a barricade. A woman came out and begged him not to start anything, to just let us go. We quickly realized they were targeting us, refusing to let us access the single-user restroom, willing to escalate to violence if necessary. They didn’t see a family with a child. They didn’t see people. They just saw some deviants with fake genders. We will never be safe until we are real.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Do I Look Like I Belong in Here?
Content note: bathroom bills, transmisogyny, violation of boundaries (any others?)
I don't like the men's restrooms because I'm not a man, I’m nonbinary. I am familiar with the women's restrooms, but I'm not a woman, and I raise far too many suspicions in there now for my comfort anyway. I have gotten very skilled at finding single-user restrooms wherever I go, but I use the men's room now if it's urgent and carry myself with the confidence of a mediocre white man in a generally successful attempt to blend in.
I’m disturbed by a trend lately, where men gleefully plot for (or at least dream about) pushing themselves into women's restrooms to get kicked out, sometimes posting selfies, and then "surprise! I have a vagina because I'm trans!" It's supposed to "disprove" oppressive bathroom bills, by showing that they don't belong in women’s restrooms because they "look like a man".
The problem is that this harms women. Many trans women are suspected of "looking like a man" and that's why these laws are being passed in the first place. Plus, at its most basic this is an example of men forcing their way past [trans and cis] women’s stated boundaries. What if masculinity were used for justice instead of violence?
To the white boys out there interrupting the conversation with your “but what about?”: There's a key difference between "using the women's restroom to get noticed" and "using the women's restroom to avoid being noticed". I understand as well as any trans person that as long as restrooms are segregated, none of us are really safe. But please join me in working against transmisogyny in our words and actions.
I don't like the men's restrooms because I'm not a man, I’m nonbinary. I am familiar with the women's restrooms, but I'm not a woman, and I raise far too many suspicions in there now for my comfort anyway. I have gotten very skilled at finding single-user restrooms wherever I go, but I use the men's room now if it's urgent and carry myself with the confidence of a mediocre white man in a generally successful attempt to blend in.
I’m disturbed by a trend lately, where men gleefully plot for (or at least dream about) pushing themselves into women's restrooms to get kicked out, sometimes posting selfies, and then "surprise! I have a vagina because I'm trans!" It's supposed to "disprove" oppressive bathroom bills, by showing that they don't belong in women’s restrooms because they "look like a man".
The problem is that this harms women. Many trans women are suspected of "looking like a man" and that's why these laws are being passed in the first place. Plus, at its most basic this is an example of men forcing their way past [trans and cis] women’s stated boundaries. What if masculinity were used for justice instead of violence?
To the white boys out there interrupting the conversation with your “but what about?”: There's a key difference between "using the women's restroom to get noticed" and "using the women's restroom to avoid being noticed". I understand as well as any trans person that as long as restrooms are segregated, none of us are really safe. But please join me in working against transmisogyny in our words and actions.
Wednesday, May 11, 2016
"Natural"
"Natural" is meaningless. "Natural" is artifice. "Natural" is the greatest sham of the century.
I fucking hate when people act like the mind is not part of the body, nor the body part of society. Meaningless distinctions.
My gender is all in your head.
It's something I realized back when I finally stopped pretending to be female. It really is all up to the beholder what they think gender is in general, and what my gender is by extension. I don't mean they determine for me what my gender is; their gender of me has tangible consequences for me. I can be completely honest in my comportment, and that does have some influence, but ultimately I'm not the author of my gender in their minds. Each time I am observed, they are creating a new gender, a spectre in their minds which is real as every other thought or experience they have.
It's important to note that this is identical to the gendering conflated onto cis people. The only difference is some gender spectres have a revocable aura of "natural".
👌
I fucking hate when people act like the mind is not part of the body, nor the body part of society. Meaningless distinctions.
My gender is all in your head.
It's something I realized back when I finally stopped pretending to be female. It really is all up to the beholder what they think gender is in general, and what my gender is by extension. I don't mean they determine for me what my gender is; their gender of me has tangible consequences for me. I can be completely honest in my comportment, and that does have some influence, but ultimately I'm not the author of my gender in their minds. Each time I am observed, they are creating a new gender, a spectre in their minds which is real as every other thought or experience they have.
It's important to note that this is identical to the gendering conflated onto cis people. The only difference is some gender spectres have a revocable aura of "natural".
👌
Sunday, March 6, 2016
Safety vs Visibility
This blog post was written to fulfill an assignment for the course Creativity & Community.
In working on the Kosciusko County LGBT History Project for class, the question has come up how public to make the public aspect of it. The class is all about creating and occupying public spaces, so leaving that out isn't really an option. One of the things about public spaces is the leveling effect it can have. Conceivably, anyone can walk into a local bar or library and be on the same level as everyone else - nobody gets extra privileges based on their rank or class. However, as many queer and trans folks know, the cost one often times must pay to access this leveling is our authenticity - everyone gets "leveled" as straight. Actual straight people give nothing, but queer people pack away much of ourselves into the closet.
Straight is the presumed default (nobody needs to "come out" as straight) so a plain space is not level by default; gay-only spaces are clearly not level either, as a mix is required for leveling. Visibly affirming diversity seems to be a good solution, in that it gives space for people to know that their identity, whatever it is, is expected to be present. Straight people may not be comfortable, because it feels like their identity is not being celebrated to the same degree that minority identities are. Queer people may not be comfortable, because some are very cautious and untrusting of mixed spaces. Oddly enough, an evenly-distributed level of discomfort might be the truest leveling, as long as prejudice still exists within society.
As I considered where I should hold the physical meeting for this project, I pictured two possible options: an open outdoor venue, or a quiet indoor space. Anything else would begin to incur monetary fees I am unwilling to cover. I was leaning toward the more visible option - I think it would be empowering to gather in a supportive collective, sort of a way to "take back" what ought to be our shared public place to begin with. I have a lot of experience with that from my time spent in St Louis, but I do know that Warsaw residents tend to be a lot quieter, so I decided to check in with local friends before making a final decision.
Most people felt like a quieter space would work better toward drawing people in and allowing them to show a more vulnerable part of themselves. It was also pointed out that the Diversity Rally is going to take place 2 months later. (Initially I had hoped to incorporate my project into the Rally itself, but unfortunately it takes place after our semester ends. I will probably present a reflection on this project at the Rally instead.) St Louis can have a public action every other weekend, but Warsaw tends to get event-saturated rather quickly - many would view it as superfluous, and one event could draw attendance away from the other.
Ultimately I had to ask myself the question: visible to whom? It's easy to experience mission drift during the excitement of what's possible. Over the years of both organizing and providing support to groups and communities, I have learned to watch that tendency within myself and to temper it by reminding myself of my driving principle: service to community and nurturing personal growth within community spaces. As a member myself, I don't feel bad or misguided when my desires are not the majority with other members, since my needs matter just as much. But I do try to check in regularly to make sure I'm spending my energy in ways that edify as many of us as possible.
I think a quiet meeting in a publicly-accessible cafe will have the potential to foster dialog. I say "have the potential", because in my experience, people here still seem to have a skewed idea of dialog that involves talking at the other side, rather than conversing with. But I think Warsaw needs to have a coming of age. Trans and queer people have been here the whole time, but the cloak of silence is only recently being lifted. The population needs to come to terms with our past to accept our present situation and take honest steps forward.
I don't think my family wants a world in which I don't exist, but I don't think they live in a town where their relationship with me and their relationship with conservative Christian culture can yet coexist. Somehow we have to make that possible. The reality is people like me will be the ones who have to do the majority of the labor to build that future, and straight people will probably take credit for the results (much like white people take credit for racial progress), but the alternative is far worse, so I choose to side with hope.
In working on the Kosciusko County LGBT History Project for class, the question has come up how public to make the public aspect of it. The class is all about creating and occupying public spaces, so leaving that out isn't really an option. One of the things about public spaces is the leveling effect it can have. Conceivably, anyone can walk into a local bar or library and be on the same level as everyone else - nobody gets extra privileges based on their rank or class. However, as many queer and trans folks know, the cost one often times must pay to access this leveling is our authenticity - everyone gets "leveled" as straight. Actual straight people give nothing, but queer people pack away much of ourselves into the closet.
Straight is the presumed default (nobody needs to "come out" as straight) so a plain space is not level by default; gay-only spaces are clearly not level either, as a mix is required for leveling. Visibly affirming diversity seems to be a good solution, in that it gives space for people to know that their identity, whatever it is, is expected to be present. Straight people may not be comfortable, because it feels like their identity is not being celebrated to the same degree that minority identities are. Queer people may not be comfortable, because some are very cautious and untrusting of mixed spaces. Oddly enough, an evenly-distributed level of discomfort might be the truest leveling, as long as prejudice still exists within society.
As I considered where I should hold the physical meeting for this project, I pictured two possible options: an open outdoor venue, or a quiet indoor space. Anything else would begin to incur monetary fees I am unwilling to cover. I was leaning toward the more visible option - I think it would be empowering to gather in a supportive collective, sort of a way to "take back" what ought to be our shared public place to begin with. I have a lot of experience with that from my time spent in St Louis, but I do know that Warsaw residents tend to be a lot quieter, so I decided to check in with local friends before making a final decision.
Most people felt like a quieter space would work better toward drawing people in and allowing them to show a more vulnerable part of themselves. It was also pointed out that the Diversity Rally is going to take place 2 months later. (Initially I had hoped to incorporate my project into the Rally itself, but unfortunately it takes place after our semester ends. I will probably present a reflection on this project at the Rally instead.) St Louis can have a public action every other weekend, but Warsaw tends to get event-saturated rather quickly - many would view it as superfluous, and one event could draw attendance away from the other.
Ultimately I had to ask myself the question: visible to whom? It's easy to experience mission drift during the excitement of what's possible. Over the years of both organizing and providing support to groups and communities, I have learned to watch that tendency within myself and to temper it by reminding myself of my driving principle: service to community and nurturing personal growth within community spaces. As a member myself, I don't feel bad or misguided when my desires are not the majority with other members, since my needs matter just as much. But I do try to check in regularly to make sure I'm spending my energy in ways that edify as many of us as possible.
I think a quiet meeting in a publicly-accessible cafe will have the potential to foster dialog. I say "have the potential", because in my experience, people here still seem to have a skewed idea of dialog that involves talking at the other side, rather than conversing with. But I think Warsaw needs to have a coming of age. Trans and queer people have been here the whole time, but the cloak of silence is only recently being lifted. The population needs to come to terms with our past to accept our present situation and take honest steps forward.
I don't think my family wants a world in which I don't exist, but I don't think they live in a town where their relationship with me and their relationship with conservative Christian culture can yet coexist. Somehow we have to make that possible. The reality is people like me will be the ones who have to do the majority of the labor to build that future, and straight people will probably take credit for the results (much like white people take credit for racial progress), but the alternative is far worse, so I choose to side with hope.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
"How Do You Have Sex?"
This blog post was written to fulfill an assignment for the course Creativity & Community.
A classmate's creative blog post reminded me of this question I have been asked fortunately rarely, but unfortunately a non-zero number of times, by people who do not need to know. The succinct answer is "how do I not have sex, amirite!" 😀
The reality is there is no good answer to this question. The person asking has already brought the awkwardness level to 11, at that point I'm already playing a messy clean-up game. I could get embarrassed and feel shamed about all the fake sex I'm apparently having. I could drop everything and whip out the charts and diagrams to prove we trans folk can have real sex too. Or I could laugh at you. Quite frankly, life is too short and I enjoy laughter, so that's probably the option I'm going to go with. 😁
My mother has a sort of underlying anxiety about who I partner myself with, seeing as I'm bisexual and might bring home the wrong set of genitals on accident...? So when I first told her about my current girlfriend, she asked me what gender they are "in their pants". I told her she needs to go find her own genderqueer person to flirt with, November is mine*. 😂
There are circumstances under which it is actually acceptable to ask me how I have sex. Are we friends who are already comfortable talking about general sex stuff together? Are we intending to have sex together, and we actually need to work out the details? Are you yourself transgender and looking for general advice that is unfortunately rather scarce on the internet? Then yes, go ahead and ask if my sexual techniques are something I'd be comfortable discussing with you. 😇
Honestly, I kind of feel sorry for the person asking out of a clear disbelief that there is more than one way to do the sexy times. I kind of want to sit with them a while and hold their hand and say "you poor dear, I know the tunnel seems long and dark, but there is a light at the end, and we can find it together." But maybe that's what this is all about after all: maybe cis people are trying to steal our superior sexy trans moves from us. Well you can't have them! They're ours!! All ours!!! ...Sigh, I guess I'll share, but only if you ask nicely. 😘
*We're not monogamous, but my mother is.
A classmate's creative blog post reminded me of this question I have been asked fortunately rarely, but unfortunately a non-zero number of times, by people who do not need to know. The succinct answer is "how do I not have sex, amirite!" 😀
The reality is there is no good answer to this question. The person asking has already brought the awkwardness level to 11, at that point I'm already playing a messy clean-up game. I could get embarrassed and feel shamed about all the fake sex I'm apparently having. I could drop everything and whip out the charts and diagrams to prove we trans folk can have real sex too. Or I could laugh at you. Quite frankly, life is too short and I enjoy laughter, so that's probably the option I'm going to go with. 😁
My mother has a sort of underlying anxiety about who I partner myself with, seeing as I'm bisexual and might bring home the wrong set of genitals on accident...? So when I first told her about my current girlfriend, she asked me what gender they are "in their pants". I told her she needs to go find her own genderqueer person to flirt with, November is mine*. 😂
There are circumstances under which it is actually acceptable to ask me how I have sex. Are we friends who are already comfortable talking about general sex stuff together? Are we intending to have sex together, and we actually need to work out the details? Are you yourself transgender and looking for general advice that is unfortunately rather scarce on the internet? Then yes, go ahead and ask if my sexual techniques are something I'd be comfortable discussing with you. 😇
Honestly, I kind of feel sorry for the person asking out of a clear disbelief that there is more than one way to do the sexy times. I kind of want to sit with them a while and hold their hand and say "you poor dear, I know the tunnel seems long and dark, but there is a light at the end, and we can find it together." But maybe that's what this is all about after all: maybe cis people are trying to steal our superior sexy trans moves from us. Well you can't have them! They're ours!! All ours!!! ...Sigh, I guess I'll share, but only if you ask nicely. 😘
*We're not monogamous, but my mother is.
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Creeps in Your Restroom!
This blog post was written to fulfill an assignment for the course Creativity & Community.
There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender. Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us. If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons (I don't), what could you do about this situation? If your answer is to outlaw transgender people... you just might be Indiana Republican state Sen. Jim Tomes.
In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom. So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms (yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice) do we suddenly need laws to segregate and outlaw us? Honestly, it's for the money. This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice. I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here - they use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.
Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe. Assault is already illegal, and people still regularly assault trans folks anyway. We cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation. I mean that in the fullest sense. We cannot be safe in a society that demands separate yet equal restrooms. Racial segregation dates back to 1849; separate gendered restrooms came later, in 1887. Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.
P.S. I figured out how to find the single-user restrooms on campus. It's a solution - inadequate on a societal level, but it's the solution available to me right here right now, so I'll take it.
There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender. Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us. If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons (I don't), what could you do about this situation? If your answer is to outlaw transgender people... you just might be Indiana Republican state Sen. Jim Tomes.
What about the other sector of society of people that who have all through the decades women been using women’s restrooms and men been using men’s restrooms and kind of like that and kind of expect that level of privacy? Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?Forget people who are actually tried-and-convicted sex offenders; the real danger has been me all along! Nevermind that if there really were an epidemic of cross-dressing predators peeping under bathroom stalls, Fox News would be plastering their mug shots all over the scare pieces in a never-ending parade of shame. But the real stories of abuse and violence against peaceful transgender folks in public spaces get pushed to the back pages of news websites.
In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom. So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms (yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice) do we suddenly need laws to segregate and outlaw us? Honestly, it's for the money. This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice. I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here - they use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.
Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe. Assault is already illegal, and people still regularly assault trans folks anyway. We cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation. I mean that in the fullest sense. We cannot be safe in a society that demands separate yet equal restrooms. Racial segregation dates back to 1849; separate gendered restrooms came later, in 1887. Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.
P.S. I figured out how to find the single-user restrooms on campus. It's a solution - inadequate on a societal level, but it's the solution available to me right here right now, so I'll take it.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Sexual Abuse as the Cis Norm for Sex Education
TW dysphoria and rape
Let's talk about how cis people have sexually abused me my entire life. FUN!
Being raped multiple times wasn't traumatic... so I felt for a while, only I'm now realizing this is an inversion of reality.
Being raped wasn't more traumatic than sex in general, not enough for me to notice a significant difference.
To understand why sex has historically been traumatic for me, we need to first look at what healthy sex looks like:
It requires informed consent and co-determination. I need to be aware of what is happening and have the ability to exercise bodily agency.
I, like many queer and trans folk, was raised to view penis-in-vagina as The Sex, and with zero acknowledgement that dysphoria is possible.
Every single person who had the opportunity to educate me, grossly neglected to de-center PIV or present other options for sex as equal.
The only context my vagina was mentioned was as either a source of magical Jesus powers, or as a source of profound sexual liberation.
It is especially important to note that every cis male partner I've had was actively pushing this repression/liberation sex binary for years.
I was actively taught to view my intense discomfort with vaginal stimulation (even in a loving caring context) as something that's fixable.
I was expected to change. Always me. Never the other person. Never the way society pushed their cis agenda.
Individual partners claimed to respect my desires to avoid certain contact, but would guilt me on how their "needs" were equally valid.
All of the sex-positivity cultural rhetoric was on their side as I was shamed for not being "good, giving, & game".
No one ever suggested even once that my feelings were normal or natural, and that their sexual pressure was the dysfunction.
Fact: informed consent is not possible when cis people have actively obstructed education on trans bodies and queer sex.
Fact: bodily agency and sexual co-determination is not possible in the midst of ongoing gaslighting.
Fact: cis-centered sex education is abusive, and cis people who aren't actively working to dismantle that are complicit in ongoing abuse.
Let's talk about how cis people have sexually abused me my entire life. FUN!
Being raped multiple times wasn't traumatic... so I felt for a while, only I'm now realizing this is an inversion of reality.
Being raped wasn't more traumatic than sex in general, not enough for me to notice a significant difference.
To understand why sex has historically been traumatic for me, we need to first look at what healthy sex looks like:
It requires informed consent and co-determination. I need to be aware of what is happening and have the ability to exercise bodily agency.
I, like many queer and trans folk, was raised to view penis-in-vagina as The Sex, and with zero acknowledgement that dysphoria is possible.
Every single person who had the opportunity to educate me, grossly neglected to de-center PIV or present other options for sex as equal.
The only context my vagina was mentioned was as either a source of magical Jesus powers, or as a source of profound sexual liberation.
It is especially important to note that every cis male partner I've had was actively pushing this repression/liberation sex binary for years.
I was actively taught to view my intense discomfort with vaginal stimulation (even in a loving caring context) as something that's fixable.
I was expected to change. Always me. Never the other person. Never the way society pushed their cis agenda.
Individual partners claimed to respect my desires to avoid certain contact, but would guilt me on how their "needs" were equally valid.
All of the sex-positivity cultural rhetoric was on their side as I was shamed for not being "good, giving, & game".
No one ever suggested even once that my feelings were normal or natural, and that their sexual pressure was the dysfunction.
Fact: informed consent is not possible when cis people have actively obstructed education on trans bodies and queer sex.
Fact: bodily agency and sexual co-determination is not possible in the midst of ongoing gaslighting.
Fact: cis-centered sex education is abusive, and cis people who aren't actively working to dismantle that are complicit in ongoing abuse.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Attempting to Define Gender, a Case Study
What is the definition of "woman"? When I first saw the essay "Are Lesbians Women?" by Jacob Hale [trans man], it piqued my interest, partly because one of the first objections to my gender when I came out as genderqueer was that if I cannot adequately define "woman", I cannot adequately define myself to be outside of "woman". (One wonders why it would not suggest that, given the allegedly questionable validity of womanhood itself, I could be more easily "allowed" to define myself outside of it, but I digress.)
Pop culturally, trans women are not "real women", but a quick google reveals that cis women can have their "real woman" card revoked as well (though albeit on a somewhat different "no true scotsman" level). "Are Lesbians Women?" attempts to break down the fundamentals of womanhood into a list of what society has generally agreed are the criteria. Jacob Hale is quick to point out that no one single item on the list is "necessary or sufficient", meaning you can generally leave one off and still be included within the category of "woman" by society, but if you can only count one in your favor you are not included. For example: while "identifies as a woman" should be necessary and sufficient for womanhood, society rejects that criterion as such.
1. Absence of a penis
2. Presence of breasts
3. Presence of reproductive organs which allow for pregnancy to occur
4. Presence of estrogen and progesterone in balance with androgens within "normal" range
5. Presence of XX, or perhaps absence of Y, chromosomes
6. Having a gender identity as a woman
7. Having an occupation considered to be acceptable for a woman
8. Engaging in leisure pursuits considered to be acceptable for a woman
9. Engaging in some sort of sexual/affectional relationship with a man who is commonly recognized as heterosexual
10. Achieving and maintaining a physical gender self-presentation the elements of which work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
11. Behaving in ways to produce the gender assignment "woman"
12. Giving textual [documentation] cues that work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
13. Having an unbroken history consistent with the gender assignment "woman"
Notice that, thanks to the work of feminists, some of these categories have been so expanded as to include most people of any gender, particularly #s 7 and 8, and 10 and 11 to a lesser extent. Perhaps that's what my well-meaning friends are saying when they insist that I do not fall outside of sufficient criteria, because to a certain extent I cannot fall outside a criteria which encompasses nearly everything. However, as it stands, I only fully satisfy some of these requirements at this point (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 12), others are satisfied/unsatisfied in different ways at different stages of my life (7, 8, 9, 10, 11), and I definitely do not satisfy a few obvious ones (6, 13). It becomes even more complex when one realizes that #s 1-5 cannot be verified as fact by others without an intimate understanding of my medical history.
What about "lesbian" - can that be a gender identity in its own right independent of woman? (Yes, anything can be a gender identity. And no, claiming your gender identity is "squirrel" doesn't make you cute, it makes you a jerk.) How many criteria of "woman" can one violate and still be "lesbian"? For example, a genderqueer friend satisfies #s 7, 8, 11; partially satisfies 10; and does not satisfy 1-5 or 9. They also answer #6 as "identifies as lesbian" (among other gender labels).
There are many questions yet unanswered: How "woman" is "woman enough"? How many criteria must one meet before one is "real"; how many criteria must one violate before one is "fake"? How do we take into account the different ways different people rank the importance of different criteria? How do we allow for the ways that race, ethnicity, class, religion, sexuality, regional location, etc influence the threshold of each criterion? To whom do we defer authority to answer these and further questions on authentic womanhood, and how do we process dissent? Certainly Jacob Hale was in no position to answer all of these, and certainly I am neither, but that's the way I rather prefer it to be.
Pop culturally, trans women are not "real women", but a quick google reveals that cis women can have their "real woman" card revoked as well (though albeit on a somewhat different "no true scotsman" level). "Are Lesbians Women?" attempts to break down the fundamentals of womanhood into a list of what society has generally agreed are the criteria. Jacob Hale is quick to point out that no one single item on the list is "necessary or sufficient", meaning you can generally leave one off and still be included within the category of "woman" by society, but if you can only count one in your favor you are not included. For example: while "identifies as a woman" should be necessary and sufficient for womanhood, society rejects that criterion as such.
1. Absence of a penis
2. Presence of breasts
3. Presence of reproductive organs which allow for pregnancy to occur
4. Presence of estrogen and progesterone in balance with androgens within "normal" range
5. Presence of XX, or perhaps absence of Y, chromosomes
6. Having a gender identity as a woman
7. Having an occupation considered to be acceptable for a woman
8. Engaging in leisure pursuits considered to be acceptable for a woman
9. Engaging in some sort of sexual/affectional relationship with a man who is commonly recognized as heterosexual
10. Achieving and maintaining a physical gender self-presentation the elements of which work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
11. Behaving in ways to produce the gender assignment "woman"
12. Giving textual [documentation] cues that work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
13. Having an unbroken history consistent with the gender assignment "woman"
Notice that, thanks to the work of feminists, some of these categories have been so expanded as to include most people of any gender, particularly #s 7 and 8, and 10 and 11 to a lesser extent. Perhaps that's what my well-meaning friends are saying when they insist that I do not fall outside of sufficient criteria, because to a certain extent I cannot fall outside a criteria which encompasses nearly everything. However, as it stands, I only fully satisfy some of these requirements at this point (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 12), others are satisfied/unsatisfied in different ways at different stages of my life (7, 8, 9, 10, 11), and I definitely do not satisfy a few obvious ones (6, 13). It becomes even more complex when one realizes that #s 1-5 cannot be verified as fact by others without an intimate understanding of my medical history.
What about "lesbian" - can that be a gender identity in its own right independent of woman? (Yes, anything can be a gender identity. And no, claiming your gender identity is "squirrel" doesn't make you cute, it makes you a jerk.) How many criteria of "woman" can one violate and still be "lesbian"? For example, a genderqueer friend satisfies #s 7, 8, 11; partially satisfies 10; and does not satisfy 1-5 or 9. They also answer #6 as "identifies as lesbian" (among other gender labels).
There are many questions yet unanswered: How "woman" is "woman enough"? How many criteria must one meet before one is "real"; how many criteria must one violate before one is "fake"? How do we take into account the different ways different people rank the importance of different criteria? How do we allow for the ways that race, ethnicity, class, religion, sexuality, regional location, etc influence the threshold of each criterion? To whom do we defer authority to answer these and further questions on authentic womanhood, and how do we process dissent? Certainly Jacob Hale was in no position to answer all of these, and certainly I am neither, but that's the way I rather prefer it to be.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
Trans Suicide Rates
For Transgender Day of Remembrance, let us remember that violence comes in more forms than direct physical attacks:
"A staggering 41% of respondents reported attempting suicide compared to 1.6% of the general population, with rates rising for those who lost a job due to bias (55%), were harassed/bullied in school (51%), had low household income, or were the victim of physical assault (61%) or sexual assault (64%)." http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_summary.pdf
"Nearly half (49%) of black respondents reported having attempted suicide." http://www.transequality.org/PDFs/BlackTransFactsheetFINAL_090811.pdf
"[Non-binary/genderqueer people] are slightly more likely to have attempted suicide at some point in their life (43 percent) than [binary transgender people] (40 percent). Both of these figures strike a stark contrast against the 1.6 percent rate of suicide attempts over the lifespan for the general U.S. population" http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/release_materials/agendernotlistedhere.pdf
So, for TDoR, I want to remind you that even if you feel like you don't matter to anyone in the world, you matter to us. Please remember that self-care is not selfish, that sometimes reaching out for help makes you the strongest person in the world. It may not "get better", but every time a trans person lives another day, you have the satisfaction of knowing you've pissed off a fundamentalist simply for existing.
"A staggering 41% of respondents reported attempting suicide compared to 1.6% of the general population, with rates rising for those who lost a job due to bias (55%), were harassed/bullied in school (51%), had low household income, or were the victim of physical assault (61%) or sexual assault (64%)." http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_summary.pdf
"Nearly half (49%) of black respondents reported having attempted suicide." http://www.transequality.org/PDFs/BlackTransFactsheetFINAL_090811.pdf
"[Non-binary/genderqueer people] are slightly more likely to have attempted suicide at some point in their life (43 percent) than [binary transgender people] (40 percent). Both of these figures strike a stark contrast against the 1.6 percent rate of suicide attempts over the lifespan for the general U.S. population" http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/release_materials/agendernotlistedhere.pdf
So, for TDoR, I want to remind you that even if you feel like you don't matter to anyone in the world, you matter to us. Please remember that self-care is not selfish, that sometimes reaching out for help makes you the strongest person in the world. It may not "get better", but every time a trans person lives another day, you have the satisfaction of knowing you've pissed off a fundamentalist simply for existing.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
Going Where Gender Isn't
This talk was given to the Ethical Society of St Louis on November 10th 2013.
“The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.”
I am the face that genderqueer wants you to see. Let me rephrase that. I am the face that you are willing to accept - that society is willing to accept as the proper vessel for my message this morning. I am a white, thin, educated, young person of female history - I’m wearing a bow tie. Bow ties are cool. For those of you who are listening online, yes, this is my voice. I know, it’s not what I was expecting either, but if Bruno Mars ever donates his vocal cords to charity, I’m first on the waitlist.
But what If my body were tall, angular, hair tied back to reveal an adams apple, lipstick applied expertly beneath a mustache, little black dress with a low-cut neckline that plunges down a flat chest... if you were to see that body walking down the street, that would probably strike most people as the punchline to a Monty Python cross-dressing skit more than a proud genderqueer person of male history. They don’t get to use restrooms in peace, have equal employment opportunities, be treated with dignity by medical professionals. Mothers shoo their children away from people like that, as my friends can sadly attest. Add color to that person’s skin, and they’re quickly demoted in the public eye to street walker, because what else could they be going about dressed that way? Perhaps their body is found dead, and the police close the case, because nobody important was killed, only a black “gay sex worker”.
My dramatic hypotheticals are no exaggeration either. Last week, a 13-year-old boy was suspended for wearing a purse to school. Also last week, an agender teenager fell asleep on the bus in California, only to have someone set fire to the skirt they were wearing in a self-professed crime of “homophobia”. This summer, the murder rate of transgender people increased to twice that of gays and lesbians, despite total numbers of trans people in the population being much smaller than cis LGB people.
This, dear humanists, is the violence of genderqueer invisibility, and that which is hidden in the shadows can be dehumanized without recourse. Of the 6,450 people who responded to the 2008 National Transgender Discrimination Survey, nearly ⅛ identified as “a gender not listed here”, that is, their gender is neither man nor woman. (I want to take a quick moment to point out that this number does not include transgender men and transgender women, on account of trans men and women being men and women.) “‘Genders not listed here’ have significantly higher educational attainment than their peers who did not have to write in their gender. . . Nonetheless, ‘genders not listed here’ are living in the lowest household income category at a much higher rate than those who [selected a binary gender].” Of particular note to us here in St Louis, respondents in the midwest and the south were less likely to identify as a non-binary gender. I can tell you from my personal experiences interacting with hundreds of genderqueer people online, that regional disparity is a direct result of the necessity to fit into a binary box for survival in places that are not tolerant of gender diversity.
According to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, those “genders not listed here”, those who are neither woman nor man, also have a significantly higher educational attainment than our cisgender peers [cisgender being someone who is not transgender], but skew much poorer and younger than our binary trans brothers and sisters. In much the same way that living in the midwest gives us pause to living our authentic selves, coming of age in an era where we have access to internet communities of others like us can also give us the strength to know we are not alone. But what is the cost of authenticity? Non-binary and genderqueer people are more likely to avoid medical care for fear of discrimination, and as a result are more likely to not know our HIV status, and when we do know, our HIV-positive status is at a higher rate than other trans people. We’re more likely to avoid help from the police, because we’re more likely to be harassed by the police. We’re more likely to have been sexually assaulted at any point in our lives, including childhood. We’re less likely to have lost a job due to bias, but we’re more likely to seek a job in an underground economy in the first place. And - perhaps not surprisingly, after all this - we’re more likely to have attempted suicide than our binary trans sisters and brothers.
We keep waiting to be seen, to be heard, to be told that our rights matter and our humanity is valid. When Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was struck down, Dan Savage announced that transgender people could now serve openly. This assessment was sadly incorrect, and the trans members who serve in our military at twice the rate that cisgender people do were forgotten, our pleas for justice drowned out by the celebration for LGB people. Two years later, and Chelsea Manning still has to claw her way toward basic access to female-appropriate health care. In 34 US states, it is still legal to discriminate against transgender people in the workplace. Several of those states have protections for sexual orientation, such as Missouri affords those LGB people working in the public sector. But when trans people ask to be included, we are told to wait our turn. And we’re still waiting.
In recent news, just last Thursday the US Senate passed the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, or ENDA, which would provide employment protections on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity. ENDA has been introduced almost every year since 1994, and similar bills have as well, going back to 1974. In 2007, protections for trans people were finally added, only to be dropped again, to give the bill a better chance of passing. This is the first time the bill has been passed in a chamber of congress which included protections for LGB and T. However, Speaker Boehner has said he plans on blocking this bill, so we still can’t rely upon its passage to protect the equal access to employment rights for trans workers in all the United States, nor would it address many of the other much-needed protections we need in addition to employment rights.
“The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.” When I first read that statement by Kate Bornstein, I was struck by both the profound necessity for me to follow that path, and by the sheer impossibility to do so successfully. “The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.”
“Which pronouns do you prefer?” I am asked, as is the right thing to do when in doubt. “It doesn’t matter,” I used to lie, afraid I’d be accused of trying to change the world. “Oh you should definitely call me by gender-neutral pronouns,” I would say, enthusiastic that I’d found someone to change the world with me. “Using ‘he’ is fine,” I now admit, having grown weary of changing the world by myself.
“The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.”
I stand with my young child and face two doors, knowing what I need can be found behind both, aware that choosing one over the other is to publicly declare my deepest political allegiances. I casually make my way through Door #1, hoping nobody will notice. “Sir” I look up, and realize she’s looking directly at me. I’ve been found out. “Sir, you want to be over there,” she commands as she points directly toward Door #2, valiantly defending the innocence of the flock of preschool girls we’re both surrounded by. We go into the other room without a fuss. My child peers into a nearby urinal with suspicion. “Mommy, what-” I swiftly brush him into the nearest stall before he can utter any more incriminating words, not knowing how to explain to a preschooler that there is no Door #3 for people like me.
One thing I found as I began navigating society from an explicitly genderqueer frame of reference was that if there were any role models, they were rare to be found. In looking into the history of the movement, I discovered that this was because the genderqueer community, by that name, was barely reaching 2 decades in age. This isn’t to say we’ve just invented the concept - I know genderqueer people in their 50s and beyond - but as a self-named social/political movement, we’re just getting started.
So who are our role models? Where can we find clues on where we’ve come from, to help ground us as we look forward to where we’re going? When I first tried to answer this question years ago, I was hoping to find binders full of genderqueers all over the internet. But what I mostly found were androgynous fashion heros like David Bowie and Tilda Swinton. I felt like I was floundering for a bit. “You mean we all have to figure this out on our own?” Well... yes.
Early October 2011, Kate Lovelady gave a platform address on The Leaders We’ve Been Waiting For. The description on our podcast page merely describes it as “new ideas gathered by her sabbatical”, but I’m going to spoil the ending for you: we’re the leaders we’ve been waiting for. And it all seemed so warm and inspirational at the time, but I made the connection after a bit that this is what the genderqueer community is already doing. We look around, wondering who will take this movement out of our hands and take it where it needs to go, and as we search, we see the faces of our siblings looking back at us. It’s always been us, going where gender isn’t, together.
So who are we? What are the human faces of genderqueer? Let me start with some of the more creative responses given by those “genders not listed here” when allowed to write in their own on the survey I mentioned earlier: “gender rebel”, “best of both”, “jest me”, “birl” spelled like mix of boy and girl, and my personal favorite, “trannydyke genderqueer wombat fantastica”. I also conducted my own survey, in preparation for today. I wanted to know what genderqueer people have to say to humanists: what you are encouraged see in us, what you can take initiative to do for us. I got a couple dozen responses which you can read in more detail on my blog entitled “Nerd is my Gender” [click here to read].
The responses were as varied as the individuals who responded, but a common thread ran throughout: a plea for society and for the humanist community to stop precluding our existence. Imagine, if you would, that if it were a matter of daily life that when you introduced yourself to people, they responded with “oh… well what did your parents name you?” rather than a friendly “nice to meet you.” Or if you said you had gotten married, they responded with “well, which state were you married in?” or “is your husband gay?” rather than a hearty “congratulations!” Imagine if you lived in a world where, essentially, you don’t exist to most people, and then you decide to be brave (or stubborn) enough to keep digging your heels in the sand and say “no, you don’t have a space on your form for my gender” or “no, you don’t have a restroom for my gender” or “no, your laws don’t include people like me” or “yes, I do need access to that medical treatment” or “yes that is my real name”. Imagine if you had to keep doing that over and over again, every time you met a new person at the Ethical Society, at the DMV, at the Shop n Save, and often with people you’ve known for months or years too, who suddenly develop “pronoun amnesia” when they’re around you. And then you have to get up the next morning, and find a reason to face all that again, to not join the 41% of us who attempt suicide in our lifetimes.
One of the more important ways we can take gender diversity for granted, and one that is surprisingly easy for everyone to fulfill, is by making the “gender” option on forms a fill-in-the-blank. Every time your form says “check one: M or F”, a kitten dies. Stop erasing us. Instead of the “select one: Mr, Mrs, Miss, Dr, Rev” etc, make it fill-in-the-blank. If every option available for me to chose is going to be a lie, I might as well pick the most fun lie. Doctor Semler? Reverend Semler? The Honorable Semler! That has a nice ring to it. And I’ll have you know, the Ethical Society member directory is literally the only place on the entire internet where I’ve encountered a fill-in-the-blank option. I get mail from the society delivered to Mx Andy Semler, and it makes my day.
Another common thread among survey responses was to please be proactive in making our communities safe for gender diversity. Have explicit gender-inclusive policies already in place even before the first person complains about an issue. It’s going to take a while before some of us trust you enough to admit that we’re not living life inside the gender binary. For many of us, this is why we may need a sign to feel safe before we out ourselves as genderqueer. We wait until we hear the code words of inclusivity. One way you can do this is by being explicit that anyone can use whichever restroom they feel more comfortable using, despite their physical appearance or whatever you think they may have underneath their clothes, and make sure the members who frequent the establishment are aware of that. If you have single-user restrooms, don’t label them with a gender at all. For example, our restroom in the nursery wing is gender-neutral. (It is also kept behind lock and key half the time, to my dismay.)
Try not to gender-label any other places or events either, if it’s not absolutely necessary. Insert inclusive language into your casual conversation, such as saying “this activity is for all genders” or the more simple “this activity is for everyone”, instead of the exclusive phrase “boys and girls”. If you have a men’s club or a women’s club, include invitations to all people who wish to participate in a masculine or a feminine space. We want to be written into your lives, and for some of us, this may be the first chance for us to finally feel recognized as fully human. “The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.” Let that “somewhere else” be where you are, opening your arms to us.
One of the happiest moments for me was when I sat down with my 6-year-old to explain to him that I’m not a woman or a man, that my gender is queer. He was excited. “Sometimes you get to be a boy with me? Wow!” We discussed how that “mommy” and “daddy” are terms for women and men, and that we need a name for me that works for us. Now, I know a lot of parents say this, but I really do have the best kid in the world. He calls me “sweetie”.
Kate Bornstein, in all her infinite wisdom, didn’t quite get this one right for me, I think. The way I live without gender is I look for where gender is, and then I go somewhere I am loved.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 20: Charlie
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was sitting at the lunch table during the last day of freshman year and my best friend was practicing for her Spanish final. She was trying to name every single one of my friends and things they like (think "This is my friend Emma. She likes drawing and jumping on trampolines"). When she came down the line to me, she said "This is my friend Jeanna. Insert-Spanish-Gender-Neutral-Pronoun-Here likes writing and reading."
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I was at the store with my grandmother and we were shopping for clothes. She kept saying things like "We should get you more clothes that show your boobs" and "No, don't get that, it makes you look like a queer". Eventually, I had to get underwear, and she threw a fit when I wandered over to the boys aisle. I ended up having to leave the store for a good hour before I could come back and face her, explaining my identity to her. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Bathrooms where you don't have to pick whether you're a boy or a girl, and some sort of advertising campaign that lets people know that we aren't crazy, hormone ridden teenagers. We're people, and we're hurting. And sometimes, they are responsible for it.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Charlie, 14, Genderfluid, White
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was sitting at the lunch table during the last day of freshman year and my best friend was practicing for her Spanish final. She was trying to name every single one of my friends and things they like (think "This is my friend Emma. She likes drawing and jumping on trampolines"). When she came down the line to me, she said "This is my friend Jeanna. Insert-Spanish-Gender-Neutral-Pronoun-Here likes writing and reading."
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I was at the store with my grandmother and we were shopping for clothes. She kept saying things like "We should get you more clothes that show your boobs" and "No, don't get that, it makes you look like a queer". Eventually, I had to get underwear, and she threw a fit when I wandered over to the boys aisle. I ended up having to leave the store for a good hour before I could come back and face her, explaining my identity to her. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Bathrooms where you don't have to pick whether you're a boy or a girl, and some sort of advertising campaign that lets people know that we aren't crazy, hormone ridden teenagers. We're people, and we're hurting. And sometimes, they are responsible for it.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Charlie, 14, Genderfluid, White
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 19: Ellen/Kell
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
In grade ten of high school, I cut my hair short. I began to hairspray it some days, so it stood straight up; on these days, people would look at me and smile, and double take, and say they liked the look. I noticed, but I didn't pay attention, really, to these reactions. I felt exactly myself, and what made me proud was being able to talk to my friends without them mentioning how I looked, becoming familiar with the look. It started intrigue to La Roux, and represents androgyny and genderqueer to me, which is who I am.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I have taken ballet for six years now, and recently found discomfort in classes due to the obvious female presentation of my body. I normally wear loose fitting or layered clothing, which hides my breasts and shape, and gives me comfort in being my preferred attire, but dance class has me wearing semi-sheer tights and a close-fitted bodysuit. As well, in classes with male dancers, there is frequently a different part for the male and female dancers, and it makes me feel almost naseous being categorized with the "females".
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
I'm frustrated by how little understanding there is of trans* in genral and the idea of a third or a non-gender identity specifically. I think education about the correlation between the brain and body, and the disconnect in some individuals, would help the understanding of dysphoria. I also think the introduction of gender neutral pronouns, such as ze and hir, into community would enable us, enable me, to be more comfortable, and happier, in this life.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Ellen/Kell, genderqueer, Canada, 17
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
In grade ten of high school, I cut my hair short. I began to hairspray it some days, so it stood straight up; on these days, people would look at me and smile, and double take, and say they liked the look. I noticed, but I didn't pay attention, really, to these reactions. I felt exactly myself, and what made me proud was being able to talk to my friends without them mentioning how I looked, becoming familiar with the look. It started intrigue to La Roux, and represents androgyny and genderqueer to me, which is who I am.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I have taken ballet for six years now, and recently found discomfort in classes due to the obvious female presentation of my body. I normally wear loose fitting or layered clothing, which hides my breasts and shape, and gives me comfort in being my preferred attire, but dance class has me wearing semi-sheer tights and a close-fitted bodysuit. As well, in classes with male dancers, there is frequently a different part for the male and female dancers, and it makes me feel almost naseous being categorized with the "females".
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
I'm frustrated by how little understanding there is of trans* in genral and the idea of a third or a non-gender identity specifically. I think education about the correlation between the brain and body, and the disconnect in some individuals, would help the understanding of dysphoria. I also think the introduction of gender neutral pronouns, such as ze and hir, into community would enable us, enable me, to be more comfortable, and happier, in this life.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Ellen/Kell, genderqueer, Canada, 17
Survey responses shared with permission.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
On the Meaning of Cis
Eminism has a post up about further clarifying the meaning of the word "cis". It highlights an increasing problem in some feminisms lately, where cis women (who have always identified as female and who were designated female at birth) are rejecting the "cis" identity, because the gender roles assigned to women in our society are oppressive and they cannot relate to those roles. And yet... there are trans women who feel exactly the same way about women's gender roles in our society. And they are still women. I agree that most gender roles are oppressive, and I am perfectly fine with people rejecting any and every role to their hearts' desires.
But this post isn't about Some Feminists™. Quite frankly, most feminists accept the reality of cis privilege, and the few who don't are being confronted regularly enough that I'm not motivated to continue that battle in this particular post. I am, however, concerned with Eminism's insistence that people whose experiences aren't "trans enough" - defined by her as "someone who does not suffer from (or must manage possibility of suffering from) transphobia on a regular basis" - must accept their ascribed identity as cis. Taking thie counter-scenario to its extreme: what if literally everyone who claimed not to be cis was actually not cis? I don't care what they base their claim on. Maybe they're a butch-identified lesbian, maybe they're a gender abolitionist, maybe whatever. What portion of the population would all the non-cis people be? TINY. Cis privilege would still exist for that huge portion of the population that is most definitely cis, within a society that systematically delegitimatizes non-cis people's genders.
This is why I am not the gender police. While I do agree that some cis-but-not feminists are trying to have their cake and eat it too, and that the harm they are causing is as real as the cis privilege they are denying, I have exactly zero interest in spending my energy trying to slap a cis label on anyone I personally don't feel experiences "enough" trans discrimination. There are too many innocent bystanders who will get caught up in the casualties. It also places the focus yet again on cis people's experiences, instead of centering the dialog around genderqueer and trans experiences.
It is difficult occupying the grey areas between cis and trans... As with a friend I know who is a very-light-skinned black person, and another who has an invisible disability, I am a genderqueer person who often "passes" for cis in society. Often times we have to say things like "no, I'm actually black" or "no, I'm actually in a lot of pain right now and need to sit down" and "no, I'm actually genderqueer" in order to trigger our swift decent from privilege. Other times, we risk being socially ostracized for living out our authentic selves without even saying a word, as we let the accusations come forth that we're doing white wrong, or doing ability wrong, or doing woman wrong.
Yes, I can hear you protest "but actual white and able-bodied and woman persons are policed too!" Funny thing though: as soon as I came out as a not-a-woman genderqueer person, the tune society was singing changed from "you need to do X to be a woman" to "even if you don't do X, you're still a woman". This is cis privilege: knowing that no matter how much the kyriarchy threatens to revoke your Woman Card, they will never actually do it; the moment you try to take them up on that offer, they'll drag you kicking and screaming right back into Womanhood.
If I got to define "cis" and "trans", here's what I would say (with a huge disclaimer that I'm not the Word-Defining Authority who represents all feminism):
Does this mean a butch lesbian who was designated female at birth [I keep using this example because the original article did] occasionally has trans experiences, such as people attempting to kick her out of a women's restroom for looking like a man? Yeppers! That does not necessarily mean her identity is trans, mind you - if she says she's a woman, she's a woman. But ultimately, anyone who dares transgress gender norms will be thrown from grace, and that deserves compassion and understanding beyond "but you do realize you're cis, right?"
So as a genderqueer person, I still do periodically ask myself am I cis? am I trans? I experience both. But ultimately, they become something else entirely in the long run: a constant reminder that I can never be a boring ol' regular person so long as systematic inequality exists in our society.
tl;dr - Binaries don't work.
But this post isn't about Some Feminists™. Quite frankly, most feminists accept the reality of cis privilege, and the few who don't are being confronted regularly enough that I'm not motivated to continue that battle in this particular post. I am, however, concerned with Eminism's insistence that people whose experiences aren't "trans enough" - defined by her as "someone who does not suffer from (or must manage possibility of suffering from) transphobia on a regular basis" - must accept their ascribed identity as cis. Taking thie counter-scenario to its extreme: what if literally everyone who claimed not to be cis was actually not cis? I don't care what they base their claim on. Maybe they're a butch-identified lesbian, maybe they're a gender abolitionist, maybe whatever. What portion of the population would all the non-cis people be? TINY. Cis privilege would still exist for that huge portion of the population that is most definitely cis, within a society that systematically delegitimatizes non-cis people's genders.
This is why I am not the gender police. While I do agree that some cis-but-not feminists are trying to have their cake and eat it too, and that the harm they are causing is as real as the cis privilege they are denying, I have exactly zero interest in spending my energy trying to slap a cis label on anyone I personally don't feel experiences "enough" trans discrimination. There are too many innocent bystanders who will get caught up in the casualties. It also places the focus yet again on cis people's experiences, instead of centering the dialog around genderqueer and trans experiences.
It is difficult occupying the grey areas between cis and trans... As with a friend I know who is a very-light-skinned black person, and another who has an invisible disability, I am a genderqueer person who often "passes" for cis in society. Often times we have to say things like "no, I'm actually black" or "no, I'm actually in a lot of pain right now and need to sit down" and "no, I'm actually genderqueer" in order to trigger our swift decent from privilege. Other times, we risk being socially ostracized for living out our authentic selves without even saying a word, as we let the accusations come forth that we're doing white wrong, or doing ability wrong, or doing woman wrong.
Yes, I can hear you protest "but actual white and able-bodied and woman persons are policed too!" Funny thing though: as soon as I came out as a not-a-woman genderqueer person, the tune society was singing changed from "you need to do X to be a woman" to "even if you don't do X, you're still a woman". This is cis privilege: knowing that no matter how much the kyriarchy threatens to revoke your Woman Card, they will never actually do it; the moment you try to take them up on that offer, they'll drag you kicking and screaming right back into Womanhood.
If I got to define "cis" and "trans", here's what I would say (with a huge disclaimer that I'm not the Word-Defining Authority who represents all feminism):
- Cis people are the people whose genders are accepted on the whole by our society, and who are allowed to live day-to-day as their own gender without additional hurdles of "proof" required to validate their gender before gaining access to gendered resources.
- Trans people are the people who are told on a regular basis that cis people know what their "actual" gender is better than the trans people themselves, and who have to gather additional "proof" for cis gatekeepers before gaining access to those same gendered resources cis people take for granted.
Does this mean a butch lesbian who was designated female at birth [I keep using this example because the original article did] occasionally has trans experiences, such as people attempting to kick her out of a women's restroom for looking like a man? Yeppers! That does not necessarily mean her identity is trans, mind you - if she says she's a woman, she's a woman. But ultimately, anyone who dares transgress gender norms will be thrown from grace, and that deserves compassion and understanding beyond "but you do realize you're cis, right?"
So as a genderqueer person, I still do periodically ask myself am I cis? am I trans? I experience both. But ultimately, they become something else entirely in the long run: a constant reminder that I can never be a boring ol' regular person so long as systematic inequality exists in our society.
tl;dr - Binaries don't work.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 18: Jay
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was going to the beach with a group of friends. Normally I feel really embarassed and awkward at the beach because I'm the only 'girl' most of the time in swim trunks and a t-shirt. My mom had made me feel awful over it too, and left me feeling down. But my friends didn't comment on it at all and we spent the day swimming, and I didn't have to wear the stupid bathing suit my mom had bought me and could walk around in trunks and the sun was warm and it was just wonderful.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
the most common times are during surveys or when people ask that people divide based on gender. I'm in the middle, and I flip back and forth without any reason or rhyme. It's tough to identify as either female or male, and often I refuse to circle either on a survey or test. In public events though or during activities, it's hard to speak up and say that you don't feel like you belong on the female or male end of the room.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
A big thing is encourage the making of gender-neutral washrooms. Everyone deserves the right to pee without feeling uncomfortable or embarassed. I don't always look female, and I don't always look male, and I'd like to be able to not have to panic everytime I have to use the washroom. Never make someone uncomfortable either for using a washroom, if they aren't hurting anyone, just let them do their business in peace.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Name: Jay/ Identify as: genderfluid/queer
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was going to the beach with a group of friends. Normally I feel really embarassed and awkward at the beach because I'm the only 'girl' most of the time in swim trunks and a t-shirt. My mom had made me feel awful over it too, and left me feeling down. But my friends didn't comment on it at all and we spent the day swimming, and I didn't have to wear the stupid bathing suit my mom had bought me and could walk around in trunks and the sun was warm and it was just wonderful.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
the most common times are during surveys or when people ask that people divide based on gender. I'm in the middle, and I flip back and forth without any reason or rhyme. It's tough to identify as either female or male, and often I refuse to circle either on a survey or test. In public events though or during activities, it's hard to speak up and say that you don't feel like you belong on the female or male end of the room.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
A big thing is encourage the making of gender-neutral washrooms. Everyone deserves the right to pee without feeling uncomfortable or embarassed. I don't always look female, and I don't always look male, and I'd like to be able to not have to panic everytime I have to use the washroom. Never make someone uncomfortable either for using a washroom, if they aren't hurting anyone, just let them do their business in peace.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Name: Jay/ Identify as: genderfluid/queer
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 17: Sal
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
When me and my closest friend dressed up for no reason and drove around town. I wore a suit and no one questioned me. It was one of the best feelings.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
When I got to family gatherings where all of my older relatives will be I have to wear a dress and not talk about my girlfriend and all my queer friends.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Include an "other" gender option on official forums and have more gender neutral bathrooms in public places.n.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Sal, 19, Pangender, California, White
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
When me and my closest friend dressed up for no reason and drove around town. I wore a suit and no one questioned me. It was one of the best feelings.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
When I got to family gatherings where all of my older relatives will be I have to wear a dress and not talk about my girlfriend and all my queer friends.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Include an "other" gender option on official forums and have more gender neutral bathrooms in public places.n.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Sal, 19, Pangender, California, White
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 16: Jolene
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
Mom helping me pick out men's clothes.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I refuse to grow out my hair because it is going against my true self to have it long. I get called "sir" a LOT because of it though.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Don't judge someone on what they look like. If you don't know what to call someone, instead of just calling them "sir" or "ma'am" by their appearance, why not just ask them their name and call them that?
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Jolene, 28, Pennsylvania, White, Queer
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
Mom helping me pick out men's clothes.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I refuse to grow out my hair because it is going against my true self to have it long. I get called "sir" a LOT because of it though.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Don't judge someone on what they look like. If you don't know what to call someone, instead of just calling them "sir" or "ma'am" by their appearance, why not just ask them their name and call them that?
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Jolene, 28, Pennsylvania, White, Queer
Survey responses shared with permission.
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