The Grace to Become our Better Selves

I believe in something greater than myself.
A better world.
A world without sin.

So me and mine gotta lay down and die...
so you can live in your better world?

I'm not going to live there.
There's no place for me there...
any more than there is for you. Malcolm...
I'm a monster.
What I do is evil.
I have no illusions about it, but it must be done.

Serenity (2005): the Operative calls Mal

The remarkable thing about self-justification is that it allows us to shift from one role to the other and back again in the blink of an eye, without applying what we have learned from one role to the next.  Feeling like a victim of injustice in one situation does not make us less likely to commit an injustice against someone else, nor does it make us more sympathetic to victims.  It's as if there is a brick wall between those two sets of experiences, blocking our ability to see the other side.  Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), page 192¹

"We back people into corners, and don't give them the grace to become their better selves." ~Me²
"Oh, that is just so cute!"  ~James Croft

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I have no interest in being one of the Good Ones.  I'm not your model minority.  This terrible bargain I have regretfully struck often leads me to situations where I don't have any beneficial doubts left to give.  So how then did I arrive here in this space, contemplating the ways in which the social justice community has utterly let us down?



I have had to block a grand total of 3 people on Facebook for harassing me in private messages which they initiated.  I consider myself lucky that it's only 3, as I know of people for whom that is their daily minimum.  One was a guy who said he had a crush on me, and when I didn't respond quickly enough³, he gave me a lecture on how I owed him a response.  Another guy I had to block was actually e-stalking me, after I posted a smart-ass comment on his blog where he declared his intent to quit blogging if one more feminist complained about "sexism in atheism" [spoiler: he didn't quit blogging].

But the one that actually made my jaw drop was no entitled jerk-butt dude, she was a social justice activist.  I had shared two things on Facebook which she objected to.  I understand why she objected, and I myself would not share them today.  What happened with her was such a flurry I could barely keep track of what was happening at the time, but I still remember it vividly.  I had been working, and when I got the time to check back into Facebook, there were 75 comments on the offending post, and half of them was this woman calling me (and anyone else who wandered in) a bigot.  There were also several private messages from her that were taking me to task.  I tried having a conversations with her about the matter over the following day or so, but I quite obviously didn't have the time or energy she did to keep up with the vitriol she was throwing at me and everyone else on my page, so I blocked her too.

What really stuck with me though was the way she made it quite clear that she saw her role in all of this as being my punisher.  She wasn't trying to educate me or anyone else there about why Everybody Draw Mohammed Day can be Islamophobic, nor did she ever ask whether I knew RadFem Hub⁴ was transmisogynist (again, things I now know better about).  She put minimal effort into showing concern for the harmful effects our actions would have on actual Muslims or trans people.  She didn't even want an apology or for me to make a good-faith effort toward fixing the situation or changing my ways for the better.  No, what she demanded most was for us adapt her perspective that we are bad people.



I don't share this story so that you feel sorry for me, or outraged at Those Social Justice Activists™ (after all, I did eventually figure out what she was ranting about, and learned a thing or two).  The reason this sticks with me even today isn't for throwing a perpetual pity party⁵.  It's that I realized through her behavior I was being granted a vision of my own SJ future; there, but for the grace I grant humanity, go I.  And much like Ebeneezer Scrooge, I saw how easily I could become that person myself.

This isn't to say that I can just blow smoke up my own ass and everything will be okay.  Obviously, if all it took for us to be granted our equal rights in society was for us to ask politely, we'd have equality by now.  But I also know that the act of expressing anger is not without negative health effects on my own physical body.  As a humanist, I know that I only get one life.  This is it.  I want to spend it making the world a better place for others, but I am unwilling to destroy myself in the process.  Self-care is not selfish.

This is where the social justice community has failed me, and many others like me.  There are entire guides to calling others out and checking your own privilege and being a good ally.  I do not, however, see a doctrine of transformative grace.

What I need, what so many of us need, are the tools to become our better selves, and the social support to explore what this means for ourselves without being cut down at our first faltering steps.  For example, even though there is no obligation for anyone to forgive their oppressor, some of us may want access to and support using the tools we need to let go of bitterness before it burns us to ashes from within⁶.  But when we speak out about this aspect of our mental/emotional health, we're quickly shot down with reminders of how our needs aren't politically convenient to the social justice narrative.  We're told that we're accepting blame on ourselves as individuals that should be placed on society, that we're reinforcing the status quo - a perversion of "the personal is political".



I keep holding off on publishing this, waiting for inspiration to recall that perfect real-world example from my past that will bring tears to my readers' eyes, or write that perfect closing paragraph to revolutionize the social justice community.  And of course I won't, because I'm just some humanist with uncomfortable ideals and inconvenient life experiences, and this is a blog with 3 followers.  So to all 3 of you, I leave you with this quote, which I rather like, but couldn't quite find a way to insert it into the blog post without an awkward transition, thusly:

Clinical psychologists Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson described three possible ways out of the emotional impasse.  ...    If it is only the perpetrator who apologizes and tries to atone, it may not be done honestly or in a way that assuages and gives closure to the victim's suffering.  But if it is only the victim who lets go and forgives, the perpetrator may have no incentive to change, and therefore may continue behaving unfairly or callously.  ...  The third way, they suggest, is the hardest but most hopeful for a long-term resolution to the conflict: Both sides drop their self-justifications and agree on steps they can take together to move forward.  Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), page 210

Let us grant each other the grace to become our better selves.

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Edit 1/26/14: I figured if I kept my eyes open, I'd find some other people saying similar things to what I'm saying, and sure enough here are a couple good blog posts:

Calling IN: A Less Disposable Way of Holding Each Other Accountable by Ngọc Loan Trần

On cynicism, calling out, and creating movements that don’t leave our people behind by Verónica Bayetti Flores

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Footnotes:
1. I highly encourage you to click that link and continue to read, as they describe an experiment wherein people generally rate the pain caused to themselves as more severe than the same degree of pain they themselves cause to others.
2. Regarding the Ron Lindsey mansplains the entire Women In Secularism 2 conference incident of June 2013.
3. I didn't save the convo, but here's one a friend recently had that was rather similar, except hers was even worse than mine.
4. That's a no-follow link, I'm willing to increase their hit counts.  Fortunately, the original RadFem Hub is no longer on the internet, but they managed to save plenty of their horribleness in their new archives.
5. Referencing note #3, I have friends who experience worse on a daily basis. Fuck yeah, Patriarchy!
6. As always, the person who wrote the CNN headline didn't bother to read the article.  But you should read the entire thing through.

Trans Suicide Rates

For Transgender Day of Remembrance, let us remember that violence comes in more forms than direct physical attacks:

"A staggering 41% of respondents reported attempting suicide compared to 1.6% of the general population, with rates rising for those who lost a job due to bias (55%), were harassed/bullied in school (51%), had low household income, or were the victim of physical assault (61%) or sexual assault (64%)." http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_summary.pdf


"Nearly half (49%) of black respondents reported having attempted suicide." http://www.transequality.org/PDFs/BlackTransFactsheetFINAL_090811.pdf

"[Non-binary/genderqueer people] are slightly more likely to have attempted suicide at some point in their life (43 percent) than [binary transgender people] (40 percent). Both of these figures strike a stark contrast against the 1.6 percent rate of suicide attempts over the lifespan for the general U.S. population" http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/release_materials/agendernotlistedhere.pdf

So, for TDoR, I want to remind you that even if you feel like you don't matter to anyone in the world, you matter to us. Please remember that self-care is not selfish, that sometimes reaching out for help makes you the strongest person in the world. It may not "get better", but every time a trans person lives another day, you have the satisfaction of knowing you've pissed off a fundamentalist simply for existing. 

Going Where Gender Isn't

This talk was given to the Ethical Society of St Louis on November 10th 2013.

“The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.”

I am the face that genderqueer wants you to see. Let me rephrase that. I am the face that you are willing to accept - that society is willing to accept as the proper vessel for my message this morning. I am a white, thin, educated, young person of female history - I’m wearing a bow tie. Bow ties are cool. For those of you who are listening online, yes, this is my voice. I know, it’s not what I was expecting either, but if Bruno Mars ever donates his vocal cords to charity, I’m first on the waitlist.

But what If my body were tall, angular, hair tied back to reveal an adams apple, lipstick applied expertly beneath a mustache, little black dress with a low-cut neckline that plunges down a flat chest... if you were to see that body walking down the street, that would probably strike most people as the punchline to a Monty Python cross-dressing skit more than a proud genderqueer person of male history. They don’t get to use restrooms in peace, have equal employment opportunities, be treated with dignity by medical professionals. Mothers shoo their children away from people like that, as my friends can sadly attest. Add color to that person’s skin, and they’re quickly demoted in the public eye to street walker, because what else could they be going about dressed that way? Perhaps their body is found dead, and the police close the case, because nobody important was killed, only a black “gay sex worker”.

My dramatic hypotheticals are no exaggeration either. Last week, a 13-year-old boy was suspended for wearing a purse to school. Also last week, an agender teenager fell asleep on the bus in California, only to have someone set fire to the skirt they were wearing in a self-professed crime of “homophobia”. This summer, the murder rate of transgender people increased to twice that of gays and lesbians, despite total numbers of trans people in the population being much smaller than cis LGB people.

This, dear humanists, is the violence of genderqueer invisibility, and that which is hidden in the shadows can be dehumanized without recourse. Of the 6,450 people who responded to the 2008 National Transgender Discrimination Survey, nearly ⅛ identified as “a gender not listed here”, that is, their gender is neither man nor woman. (I want to take a quick moment to point out that this number does not include transgender men and transgender women, on account of trans men and women being men and women.) “‘Genders not listed here’ have significantly higher educational attainment than their peers who did not have to write in their gender. . . Nonetheless, ‘genders not listed here’ are living in the lowest household income category at a much higher rate than those who [selected a binary gender].” Of particular note to us here in St Louis, respondents in the midwest and the south were less likely to identify as a non-binary gender. I can tell you from my personal experiences interacting with hundreds of genderqueer people online, that regional disparity is a direct result of the necessity to fit into a binary box for survival in places that are not tolerant of gender diversity.

According to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey, those “genders not listed here”, those who are neither woman nor man, also have a significantly higher educational attainment than our cisgender peers [cisgender being someone who is not transgender], but skew much poorer and younger than our binary trans brothers and sisters.  In much the same way that living in the midwest gives us pause to living our authentic selves, coming of age in an era where we have access to internet communities of others like us can also give us the strength to know we are not alone.  But what is the cost of authenticity?  Non-binary and genderqueer people are more likely to avoid medical care for fear of discrimination, and as a result are more likely to not know our HIV status, and when we do know, our HIV-positive status is at a higher rate than other trans people.  We’re more likely to avoid help from the police, because we’re more likely to be harassed by the police.  We’re more likely to have been sexually assaulted at any point in our lives, including childhood.  We’re less likely to have lost a job due to bias, but we’re more likely to seek a job in an underground economy in the first place.  And - perhaps not surprisingly, after all this - we’re more likely to have attempted suicide than our binary trans sisters and brothers.

We keep waiting to be seen, to be heard, to be told that our rights matter and our humanity is valid.  When Don’t Ask Don’t Tell was struck down, Dan Savage announced that transgender people could now serve openly. This assessment was sadly incorrect, and the trans members who serve in our military at twice the rate that cisgender people do were forgotten, our pleas for justice drowned out by the celebration for LGB people. Two years later, and Chelsea Manning still has to claw her way toward basic access to female-appropriate health care. In 34 US states, it is still legal to discriminate against transgender people in the workplace. Several of those states have protections for sexual orientation, such as Missouri affords those LGB people working in the public sector. But when trans people ask to be included, we are told to wait our turn. And we’re still waiting.

In recent news, just last Thursday the US Senate passed the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, or ENDA, which would provide employment protections on the basis of sexual orientation and gender identity.  ENDA has been introduced almost every year since 1994, and similar bills have as well, going back to 1974.  In 2007, protections for trans people were finally added, only to be dropped again, to give the bill a better chance of passing.  This is the first time the bill has been passed in a chamber of congress which included protections for LGB and T.  However, Speaker Boehner has said he plans on blocking this bill, so we still can’t rely upon its passage to protect the equal access to employment rights for trans workers in all the United States, nor would it address many of the other much-needed protections we need in addition to employment rights.

“The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.” When I first read that statement by Kate Bornstein, I was struck by both the profound necessity for me to follow that path, and by the sheer impossibility to do so successfully. “The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.”

“Which pronouns do you prefer?” I am asked, as is the right thing to do when in doubt. “It doesn’t matter,” I used to lie, afraid I’d be accused of trying to change the world. “Oh you should definitely call me by gender-neutral pronouns,” I would say, enthusiastic that I’d found someone to change the world with me. “Using ‘he’ is fine,” I now admit, having grown weary of changing the world by myself.

“The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.”

I stand with my young child and face two doors, knowing what I need can be found behind both, aware that choosing one over the other is to publicly declare my deepest political allegiances. I casually make my way through Door #1, hoping nobody will notice. “Sir” I look up, and realize she’s looking directly at me. I’ve been found out. “Sir, you want to be over there,” she commands as she points directly toward Door #2, valiantly defending the innocence of the flock of preschool girls we’re both surrounded by. We go into the other room without a fuss. My child peers into a nearby urinal with suspicion. “Mommy, what-” I swiftly brush him into the nearest stall before he can utter any more incriminating words, not knowing how to explain to a preschooler that there is no Door #3 for people like me.

One thing I found as I began navigating society from an explicitly genderqueer frame of reference was that if there were any role models, they were rare to be found.  In looking into the history of the movement, I discovered that this was because the genderqueer community, by that name, was barely reaching 2 decades in age. This isn’t to say we’ve just invented the concept - I know genderqueer people in their 50s and beyond - but as a self-named social/political movement, we’re just getting started.

So who are our role models? Where can we find clues on where we’ve come from, to help ground us as we look forward to where we’re going? When I first tried to answer this question years ago, I was hoping to find binders full of genderqueers all over the internet. But what I mostly found were androgynous fashion heros like David Bowie and Tilda Swinton. I felt like I was floundering for a bit. “You mean we all have to figure this out on our own?”  Well... yes.

Early October 2011, Kate Lovelady gave a platform address on The Leaders We’ve Been Waiting For. The description on our podcast page merely describes it as “new ideas gathered by her sabbatical”, but I’m going to spoil the ending for you: we’re the leaders we’ve been waiting for. And it all seemed so warm and inspirational at the time, but I made the connection after a bit that this is what the genderqueer community is already doing. We look around, wondering who will take this movement out of our hands and take it where it needs to go, and as we search, we see the faces of our siblings looking back at us. It’s always been us, going where gender isn’t, together.

So who are we? What are the human faces of genderqueer? Let me start with some of the more creative responses given by those “genders not listed here” when allowed to write in their own on the survey I mentioned earlier: “gender rebel”, “best of both”, “jest me”, “birl” spelled like mix of boy and girl, and my personal favorite, “trannydyke genderqueer wombat fantastica”.  I also conducted my own survey, in preparation for today. I wanted to know what genderqueer people have to say to humanists: what you are encouraged see in us, what you can take initiative to do for us. I got a couple dozen responses which you can read in more detail on my blog entitled “Nerd is my Gender” [click here to read].

The responses were as varied as the individuals who responded, but a common thread ran throughout: a plea for society and for the humanist community to stop precluding our existence. Imagine, if you would, that if it were a matter of daily life that when you introduced yourself to people, they responded with “oh… well what did your parents name you?” rather than a friendly “nice to meet you.” Or if you said you had gotten married, they responded with “well, which state were you married in?” or “is your husband gay?” rather than a hearty “congratulations!” Imagine if you lived in a world where, essentially, you don’t exist to most people, and then you decide to be brave (or stubborn) enough to keep digging your heels in the sand and say “no, you don’t have a space on your form for my gender” or “no, you don’t have a restroom for my gender” or “no, your laws don’t include people like me” or “yes, I do need access to that medical treatment” or “yes that is my real name”. Imagine if you had to keep doing that over and over again, every time you met a new person at the Ethical Society, at the DMV, at the Shop n Save, and often with people you’ve known for months or years too, who suddenly develop “pronoun amnesia” when they’re around you. And then you have to get up the next morning, and find a reason to face all that again, to not join the 41% of us who attempt suicide in our lifetimes.

One of the more important ways we can take gender diversity for granted, and one that is surprisingly easy for everyone to fulfill, is by making the “gender” option on forms a fill-in-the-blank. Every time your form says “check one: M or F”, a kitten dies. Stop erasing us. Instead of the “select one: Mr, Mrs, Miss, Dr, Rev” etc, make it fill-in-the-blank. If every option available for me to chose is going to be a lie, I might as well pick the most fun lie. Doctor Semler? Reverend Semler? The Honorable Semler! That has a nice ring to it. And I’ll have you know, the Ethical Society member directory is literally the only place on the entire internet where I’ve encountered a fill-in-the-blank option. I get mail from the society delivered to Mx Andy Semler, and it makes my day.

Another common thread among survey responses was to please be proactive in making our communities safe for gender diversity.  Have explicit gender-inclusive policies already in place even before the first person complains about an issue. It’s going to take a while before some of us trust you enough to admit that we’re not living life inside the gender binary. For many of us, this is why we may need a sign to feel safe before we out ourselves as genderqueer.  We wait until we hear the code words of inclusivity. One way you can do this is by being explicit that anyone can use whichever restroom they feel more comfortable using, despite their physical appearance or whatever you think they may have underneath their clothes, and make sure the members who frequent the establishment are aware of that. If you have single-user restrooms, don’t label them with a gender at all. For example, our restroom in the nursery wing is gender-neutral. (It is also kept behind lock and key half the time, to my dismay.)

Try not to gender-label any other places or events either, if it’s not absolutely necessary. Insert inclusive language into your casual conversation, such as saying “this activity is for all genders” or the more simple “this activity is for everyone”, instead of the exclusive phrase “boys and girls”.  If you have a men’s club or a women’s club, include invitations to all people who wish to participate in a masculine or a feminine space.  We want to be written into your lives, and for some of us, this may be the first chance for us to finally feel recognized as fully human. “The way you live without gender is you look for where gender is, and then you go somewhere else.” Let that “somewhere else” be where you are, opening your arms to us.

One of the happiest moments for me was when I sat down with my 6-year-old to explain to him that I’m not a woman or a man, that my gender is queer. He was excited. “Sometimes you get to be a boy with me? Wow!” We discussed how that “mommy” and “daddy” are terms for women and men, and that we need a name for me that works for us. Now, I know a lot of parents say this, but I really do have the best kid in the world. He calls me “sweetie”.

Kate Bornstein, in all her infinite wisdom, didn’t quite get this one right for me, I think.  The way I live without gender is I look for where gender is, and then I go somewhere I am loved.

Humanizing Genderqueer 20: Charlie

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I was sitting at the lunch table during the last day of freshman year and my best friend was practicing for her Spanish final. She was trying to name every single one of my friends and things they like (think "This is my friend Emma. She likes drawing and jumping on trampolines"). When she came down the line to me, she said "This is my friend Jeanna. Insert-Spanish-Gender-Neutral-Pronoun-Here likes writing and reading."

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I was at the store with my grandmother and we were shopping for clothes. She kept saying things like "We should get you more clothes that show your boobs" and "No, don't get that, it makes you look like a queer". Eventually, I had to get underwear, and she threw a fit when I wandered over to the boys aisle. I ended up having to leave the store for a good hour before I could come back and face her, explaining my identity to her. She hasn't spoken to me since.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Bathrooms where you don't have to pick whether you're a boy or a girl, and some sort of advertising campaign that lets people know that we aren't crazy, hormone ridden teenagers. We're people, and we're hurting. And sometimes, they are responsible for it.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Charlie, 14, Genderfluid, White

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 19: Ellen/Kell

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

In grade ten of high school, I cut my hair short. I began to hairspray it some days, so it stood straight up; on these days, people would look at me and smile, and double take, and say they liked the look. I noticed, but I didn't pay attention, really, to these reactions. I felt exactly myself, and what made me proud was being able to talk to my friends without them mentioning how I looked, becoming familiar with the look. It started intrigue to La Roux, and represents androgyny and genderqueer to me, which is who I am.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I have taken ballet for six years now, and recently found discomfort in classes due to the obvious female presentation of my body. I normally wear loose fitting or layered clothing, which hides my breasts and shape, and gives me comfort in being my preferred attire, but dance class has me wearing semi-sheer tights and a close-fitted bodysuit. As well, in classes with male dancers, there is frequently a different part for the male and female dancers, and it makes me feel almost naseous being categorized with the "females".

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

I'm frustrated by how little understanding there is of trans* in genral and the idea of a third or a non-gender identity specifically. I think education about the correlation between the brain and body, and the disconnect in some individuals, would help the understanding of dysphoria. I also think the introduction of gender neutral pronouns, such as ze and hir, into community would enable us, enable me, to be more comfortable, and happier, in this life.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Ellen/Kell, genderqueer, Canada, 17

Survey responses shared with permission.

On the Meaning of Cis

Eminism has a post up about further clarifying the meaning of the word "cis".  It highlights an increasing problem in some feminisms lately, where cis women (who have always identified as female and who were designated female at birth) are rejecting the "cis" identity, because the gender roles assigned to women in our society are oppressive and they cannot relate to those roles.  And yet... there are trans women who feel exactly the same way about women's gender roles in our society.  And they are still women.  I agree that most gender roles are oppressive, and I am perfectly fine with people rejecting any and every role to their hearts' desires.

But this post isn't about Some Feminists™.  Quite frankly, most feminists accept the reality of cis privilege, and the few who don't are being confronted regularly enough that I'm not motivated to continue that battle in this particular post.  I am, however, concerned with Eminism's insistence that people whose experiences aren't "trans enough" - defined by her as "someone who does not suffer from (or must manage possibility of suffering from) transphobia on a regular basis" - must accept their ascribed identity as cis.  Taking thie counter-scenario to its extreme: what if literally everyone who claimed not to be cis was actually not cis? I don't care what they base their claim on. Maybe they're a butch-identified lesbian, maybe they're a gender abolitionist, maybe whatever. What portion of the population would all the non-cis people be? TINY. Cis privilege would still exist for that huge portion of the population that is most definitely cis, within a society that systematically delegitimatizes non-cis people's genders.

This is why I am not the gender police. While I do agree that some cis-but-not feminists are trying to have their cake and eat it too, and that the harm they are causing is as real as the cis privilege they are denying, I have exactly zero interest in spending my energy trying to slap a cis label on anyone I personally don't feel experiences "enough" trans discrimination. There are too many innocent bystanders who will get caught up in the casualties.  It also places the focus yet again on cis people's experiences, instead of centering the dialog around genderqueer and trans experiences.

It is difficult occupying the grey areas between cis and trans... As with a friend I know who is a very-light-skinned black person, and another who has an invisible disability, I am a genderqueer person who often "passes" for cis in society. Often times we have to say things like "no, I'm actually black" or "no, I'm actually in a lot of pain right now and need to sit down" and "no, I'm actually genderqueer" in order to trigger our swift decent from privilege. Other times, we risk being socially ostracized for living out our authentic selves without even saying a word, as we let the accusations come forth that we're doing white wrong, or doing ability wrong, or doing woman wrong.

Yes, I can hear you protest "but actual white and able-bodied and woman persons are policed too!"  Funny thing though: as soon as I came out as a not-a-woman genderqueer person, the tune society was singing changed from "you need to do X to be a woman" to "even if you don't do X, you're still a woman".  This is cis privilege: knowing that no matter how much the kyriarchy threatens to revoke your Woman Card, they will never actually do it; the moment you try to take them up on that offer, they'll drag you kicking and screaming right back into Womanhood.

If I got to define "cis" and "trans", here's what I would say (with a huge disclaimer that I'm not the Word-Defining Authority who represents all feminism):

• Cis people are the people whose genders are accepted on the whole by our society, and who are allowed to live day-to-day as their own gender without additional hurdles of "proof" required to validate their gender before gaining access to gendered resources.
• Trans people are the people who are told on a regular basis that cis people know what their "actual" gender is better than the trans people themselves, and who have to gather additional "proof" for cis gatekeepers before gaining access to those same gendered resources cis people take for granted.

Does this mean a butch lesbian who was designated female at birth [I keep using this example because the original article did] occasionally has trans experiences, such as people attempting to kick her out of a women's restroom for looking like a man? Yeppers! That does not necessarily mean her identity is trans, mind you - if she says she's a woman, she's a woman. But ultimately, anyone who dares transgress gender norms will be thrown from grace, and that deserves compassion and understanding beyond "but you do realize you're cis, right?"

So as a genderqueer person, I still do periodically ask myself am I cis? am I trans? I experience both. But ultimately, they become something else entirely in the long run: a constant reminder that I can never be a boring ol' regular person so long as systematic inequality exists in our society.

tl;dr - Binaries don't work.

Humanizing Genderqueer 18: Jay

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I was going to the beach with a group of friends. Normally I feel really embarassed and awkward at the beach because I'm the only 'girl' most of the time in swim trunks and a t-shirt. My mom had made me feel awful over it too, and left me feeling down. But my friends didn't comment on it at all and we spent the day swimming, and I didn't have to wear the stupid bathing suit my mom had bought me and could walk around in trunks and the sun was warm and it was just wonderful.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

the most common times are during surveys or when people ask that people divide based on gender. I'm in the middle, and I flip back and forth without any reason or rhyme. It's tough to identify as either female or male, and often I refuse to circle either on a survey or test. In public events though or during activities, it's hard to speak up and say that you don't feel like you belong on the female or male end of the room.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

A big thing is encourage the making of gender-neutral washrooms. Everyone deserves the right to pee without feeling uncomfortable or embarassed. I don't always look female, and I don't always look male, and I'd like to be able to not have to panic everytime I have to use the washroom. Never make someone uncomfortable either for using a washroom, if they aren't hurting anyone, just let them do their business in peace.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Name: Jay/ Identify as: genderfluid/queer

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 17: Sal

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

When me and my closest friend dressed up for no reason and drove around town. I wore a suit and no one questioned me. It was one of the best feelings.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

When I got to family gatherings where all of my older relatives will be I have to wear a dress and not talk about my girlfriend and all my queer friends.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Include an "other" gender option on official forums and have more gender neutral bathrooms in public places.n.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Sal, 19, Pangender, California, White

Survey responses shared with permission.

Review: Godless Americana by Sikivu Hutchinson

Sikivu Hutchinson introduces Godless Americana as "a radical humanist analysis" that "provides a vision of secular social justice that challenges Eurocentric traditions of race, gender, and class-neutral secularism", and then spends the next 7 chapters doing exactly that. This book is a call to action, a vision of humanism that decentralizes the white experience and asks the reader to embrace a compassionate sense of initiative within their own sphere of influence.

Page after page, I found myself questioning my position on which issues humanism ought to prioritize, as this book brings up numerous examples of how centralizing the concerns of white secular Americans is to actively render humanism irrelevant to anyone who falls outside that territory. Perhaps most poignant moment was the day I had 2 extra hours to myself to read on the bus, due to my car being in the shop. As I sat there, surrounded by people for whom, unlike myself, this was not their back-up mode of transportation nor a temporary inconvenience, I read about the mobility gap: "Transit-dependency means isolation. It means less access to living-wage jobs, quality schools, affordable housing, and park space... whites generally live in white neighborhoods with greater access to social services, park spaces, and job centers."

How can the reader continue to practice a humanism that does not make efficient public transit a humanist issue; that does not make city planning a humanist issue; that does not make jobs, housing, education, and public health a humanist issue? This book is ready to answer every white-washed "we are all Africans" humanist who can't fathom why Americans of color run back to their churches for support from a Bible which advocates slavery, by questioning the very presumed innocence of whiteness itself. It boldly proclaims that a humanism that is not relevant to people of all races is quite simply irrelevant. I recommend this book for all humanists who have come to expect more from ourselves.

Humanizing Genderqueer 16: Jolene

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

Mom helping me pick out men's clothes.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I refuse to grow out my hair because it is going against my true self to have it long. I get called "sir" a LOT because of it though.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Don't judge someone on what they look like. If you don't know what to call someone, instead of just calling them "sir" or "ma'am" by their appearance, why not just ask them their name and call them that?

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Jolene, 28, Pennsylvania, White, Queer

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 15: Austin

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

When I found a group of people who were like me and understood my feelings about societies views of gender and understood how I view my own gender.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

When for a long time when I was younger my parents wouldn't accept me because of there religion and I couldn't live or be who I wanted. Also the times when I really don't want to be stared at or have the possibility of being discriminated against so I dress in a gender conforming way at those times.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Focus more on sexism, genderism, transphobia, and the negative impact gender roles and the binary have on people who don't fit it. Use science to debunk the notions of gender essentialism and the binary. Educate the public on how religion creates a false and narrow view of what gender is and how there is more diversity than religion wants you to see. Also include all gender and sexual minorities in the dialog of humanism. Just because you support gay marriage doesn't mean you are including all queer people.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Austin  femme genderqueer

Survey responses shared with permission.

Does ADHD cause gender dysphoria?

doingthegreatfuckingnorthernrun asked:

Hi! So I posted on addforums, and kind of made a mess of genderqueer/adhd. Basically someone else said that adhd made her gender issues go away, and she said my gender issues sounded similar as did my adhd. however this made me really dsyphoric and I have been out of control. they also were like you cant start T and adhd meds at the same time. they kept pushing adhd meds, saying I won't know my perception of self until I do. you are like the only person I can find that might have some input.

Oh hi!  Ironically I have too much ADHD to regularly participate in ADD Forums, but thanks for looking me up.
I think they're full of shit trying to push any medication regime on you. Sounds like they're trying to "save" you from being genderqueer or something.
I can see how someone having ADHD might misattribute their social/mental dysphoria to gender dysphoria. I've considered it myself, since when I eat right and get enough sleep, my ADHD symptoms are greatly improved, and incidentally I have less gender-related anxiety as well. What if ADHD is causing the dysphoria?
For her, it seems that was the case, and she's managed to identify the correct cause of her problems. For me, it's that I'm managing my gender dysphoria better when I'm taking care of my mental health reserves. I can deal with being GQ better when I don't have to also deal with ADHD quite so much. Balancing all that is exhausting!
As far as you "can't" start T and ADHD meds at the same time... that sounds like something only your medical professionals can advise you. Outside of general concerns monitoring for unpleasant side effects (two new drugs at once may make it difficult to figure out what's caused by which), I haven't heard of any horrible drug reactions between the two that would prevent concurrent use.

Humanizing Genderqueer 14: Mx. Bear

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

When I told my husband I'd come to realize the source of a lot of my discomfort in life is that I'm genderqueer, and I was clearly scared to be having this talk, and he just hugged me and told me this doesn't change us... that I am who and what I am, and he loves me just the same as always.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

There are no correct restrooms for me in public places because I feel just as wrong in a womens' restroom as a mens' restroom. I've never been okay with restrooms at school, in the mall, etc in my entire life.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Mx. Bear

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 13: James

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

When I came out to a friend as genderqueer, she simply asked me about my preferred pronouns, rather than finding it strange, as I'd feared she might.

Another happy memory is when I bound (binded?) for the first time in public, and no one said anything, which was precisely what I was going for.

[Editor's note: spell check is telling me "bound" is correct. In case you're like me, and didn't know either.]

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

Whenever someone misgenders me as female (which is all the time as I must present as female to a rather conservative crowd), I get super uncomfortable. I cannot say anything, as most people who misgender me would likely consider me a freak or "confused."

I'd also love for people to call me James as well as my given name, but I'm too afraid to actually do so.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Just getting the message out there that genderqueer people exist, and that we don't conform to any one type of gender presentation, so you never can quite tell who might be genderqueer.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

"James", 21, genderqueer, New Hampshire

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 12: Ruena

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I have only felt the most comfortable dressed as a woman at night. I feel safer, more under cover. Really, being femme is the only time I am really comfortable and happy with myself.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

For 25 years I believed that transitioning was not an option for me because of how transgender people are portrayed in the media and my own desire to be well seemed in conflict. Since opening up to it, I have found being transgender and my wellness go hand in hand. The circumstances around my being able to be me were like night and day. More awareness would have helped me greatly.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

I think more positive stories should be shared. Being transgender shouldn't be viewed with such stigma and the way to do this is awareness and education.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Ruena, 33, female, San Diego, CA, Caucasian/Dutch

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 11: M

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

A group of friends and I were all enthusiastically discussing a film we all love but have never watched collectively. Everyone but me identified as a cisgender woman. A friend exclaimed "Let's have a ladies' night!" Not a single beat later, she corrected herself "A people's night!" - and in chorus with several other people who were present. Not only did my friend catch herself and correct herself without me needing to speak up, my other friends were ready and willing to do that work for me, knowing how I have to deal with misgendering all the time from strangers and intimates alike and wanting to offer me a break from continual education and advocacy. It made me feel like they really have my back on this issue.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

Pretty much every day. Genderqueer where I live is not a widely recognized gender category, nor is it known to my family and most of my friends. As a curvaceous person, no matter how masculinely I cut my hair or how tightly I bind, so far people consistently perceive me as female. When I choose to come out to someone, I have to explain what my gender identity means, and I continual struggle with how to word it so that people don't dismiss me as being "precious," or whatever. Just walking down the street, I have to deal with misogynistic harassment, people saying "excuse me ma'am" or "pardon me, girl" or whatever gendered nouns and honorifics they feel they must use in situations that really, really don't require any.
Worst, I cannot be out at work. Not because my workplace is hostile, thankfully, but because: how do you explain, in our heavily binaristic and heternormative culture, the concept of genderqueer and pronouns and bodies to the specific adults with special needs with whom I work? I came really close accidentally one time, when I asked a man I work with to please stop using "ladies" for a group that included me ("ladies" is a particular pet peeve of mine). He answered with "Well, that's what you are isn't it? You aren't some...thing." Most of the people I work with wouldn't be any better at looking at a body like mine and remembering that it isn't female than my neurotypical friends are (they need reminding often enough), and many of them struggle with language and don't need an extra pronoun or two thrown in the mix - ones that are not in popular use and that their families probably wouldn't understand. (I want to be really clear that I am talking about specific people whom I know very well, not painting a broad community as incapable of understanding gender diversity.)

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Mostly, genderqueer/nonbinarism isn't very well known, in my experience. Education in that matter is important - and it provides a lead-in to a very simple and important point that would greatly decrease my discomfort just walking around in the world - "Don't use gendered terms with/for folks who haven't explicitly identified their gender to you, especially when addressing strangers." "Have a great day!" and "Sorry for bumping you!" are perfectly polite and require no added "ma'am" or "lady" or "girl" or "sir" or "man" to be perceived as such.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

M, 26, agender/genderqueer, PDX

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 10: Badger

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I was having a conversation with a close friend about struggling with gender identity, expectations and presentations. Pronouns were a strong feature of our discussion. I explained, as best I could, that I didn't feel like I sat comfortably as male or female and I was trying to find myself a series of pronouns that worked for me. We spent time researching the history of pronouns and found that 'se' (pronounced like the letter C) which formerly was a pronoun for women, but eventually became 'she' in modern English. My friend pointed out, in addition to it being representative of my history as a woman, it also included a slight pun ("Society has options A and B, and you chose C!").

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

Coming from a conservative family, my gender presentation is frequently highlighted and called out. I knew, even when just entering high school, I wanted to wear a tux for my senior prom. My mother, despite two years of foreknowledge, was adamantly opposed to the idea and eventually managed to smother it. While the dress I ended up wearing was of my own choosing, the fact still remains that she deliberately and aggressively pushed against my wishes.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Amplify our voices. Listen to us. Pay attention when we say something pertaining to our community. Be willing to be wrong.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Badger, 18, Texas

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 9: CRJ

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

When someone asked me what pronoun I prefer in an offline context. It has happened only once. But it meant the world to me.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I pretty much have to present as a cisman for fear of economic retribution and fear of social isolation. I struggle daily with this, and one day it might be a day too far and I might forgo my fears.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

One of the most fundamental changes is to accept that gender is a spectrum and not a binary, and to promote this view. This goes beyond pronouns - it is about transforming the outlook towards gender in general. At a more direct level, support for legal and/or institutional measures that mitigate or even eliminate binary requirements on gender - everything from forms that only accept two responses for gender, to bathrooms rights.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

crj, 35, gq, nyc, pr

Survey results shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 8

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

The department store I work at has coworkers who really encouraged me to wear makeup.  This was something I wasn't comfortable with until I discovered that genderqueerness existed and I feel the binary break down whenever I clock in.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

In high school show choir, boys and girls were divided and given different choreography.  Girls got more complicated and interesting dance moves while we got simply stuff even when most of the girls had just as little dance experience as we did. I asked if we could do something else that didn't divide us by gender all the time but my complaints were ignored.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Encourage the performing arts to break down modern gender roles and reward and spread of new and innovating ways of expression for all genders.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

White, 20, genderqueer, bi/pansexual

Survey results shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 7

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

There's not a lot to draw from here.  I guess the closest thing to a win I can claim is the day I finally felt comfortable admitting to myself who and what I am.  I didn't have a term for the lack of a mental gender, but even acknowledging that in and of itself was freeing.  I knew, and finally could say openly, that I didn't identify by gender and that I didn't like or dislike others for their gender.  It was incredibly freeing to look around and think, "I'm human.  That's all I ever have to be.  That's all anyone ever has to be."

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I grew up in a really strict household, gender- and sexuality-wise.  You were what you were born with (not even allowed to shorten your name or take a nickname), and you would burn in hell for all eternity if you even dared think about someone of your birth gender.  For me, that was always a problem because I never felt like I had a gender.  My parents treated me like I was the most despicable child they'd ever seen because I didn't fit what they felt a good Christian child should be.  I tried for many years to fit into what they wanted, but I could never give up on who I am.  I got into a lot of arguments with my stepmother because she felt I was deliberately doing it to spite them.  Their carefully crafted facade of us being the perfect family tended to crumble when I was around, and they hated that.  There were several years of "therapy" where the (not even certified) therapist would tell me I was a horrible child and that I needed to be better for my parents.

It didn't get much better when I got out of the house.  I took a year to just reevaluate who I was and what I believed, because I knew that what I had pounded into my head wasn't it.  I had to make a lot of apologies to a lot of people I'd put down in a failed effort to gain my family's approval.  It took me another year and a half before I could admit to myself that I liked people regardless of what gender they were and that I really didn't notice or care most of the time anyway.

I've never had anyone take me seriously when I try to talk about it.  They all just assume I'm a tomboy and leave it at that.  While it helps me avoid some of the nastier things that can happen to us, it can be really frustrating to never be believed.  We don't get to pick our bodies.  I don't choose to be female.  I don't want to be male.  I'm human.  That's all I've ever considered myself to be.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Bigotry isn't something you're born with, and nothing scares people more than the unknown.  Don't teach children to think in terms of gender binary or to judge those who don't conform to it.  Educate yourselves in what it means and what changes, and acknowledge that despite those changes we're still fundamentally the same as anyone else.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Human

Survey results shared with permission.