The Upside-Down Narrative of "Power Under Abuse"

This is one of the worst The Discourse 👌 I've ever seen.  The list of "abusive toward people with power over you" traits are basically identical to a list of behaviors commonly displayed by victims of CPTSD.

– telling someone that their basic needs or boundaries are not valid because of their privilege or power.
– using shame inducing social justice language to pressure people to do things they don’t want to do.
– pressuring someone to have sex they don’t want to have, by telling them they are harming you if they say no. ie. “if you don’t have sex with me, you are ___phobic.”
– accusing someone of harming you because they are requesting conflict resolution with you.
– accusing someone of harming you in ways that did not actually happen, or exaggerating harm that did happen. sometimes these accusations are made public through call-outs.
– calling for ostracization or punishment that is not proportionate to the harm done.
– refusing to absorb feedback offered by friends and loved ones who witness you causing harm.
– refusing to accept support from anyone other than the person you are being abusive towards.
– refusing to acknowledge care given to you by the person you are in conflict with and instead characterizing them as only ever having had harmed you.
– leveraging shame or guilt to pressure someone not to set boundaries.
– accusing someone of abandoning you when they set boundaries.
– refusing to set your own boundaries and then making statements like “you made me do this”.
– constantly accusing other people of being oppressive, harmful, abusive, toxic etc, while simultaneously being unwilling to unpack the way you embody these things.
– not acknowledging the struggle, victimization or oppression experienced by the person you are abusing.
– convincing the person you are abusing that they have more power (in general and specifically over you) than they actually do.
– refusing to address conflict in a way that honours the integrity and humanity of everyone involved. ie: not using someone’s current gender pronoun when you call them out.
– stealing from the person you are being abusive towards and either denying you stole, or claiming you have a right to the thing you stole because you have less than the person you stole from (which may or may not actually be true).
– accusing someone of triangulating or breaking confidentiality when they seek support to navigate the abusive dynamic they are in with you
– claiming to be ‘getting support’ and ‘calling in witnesses’ when you are spreading rumours for your benefit.
– weaponizing pop psychology terms like “toxic”, “narcissist” and “empath”, often with little understand of what these words were originally meant to describe. Ie: narcissism is a mental illness which requires diagnosis based on a set of criteria. it’s not meant to be used to describe someone who thinks about themselves more than you would like them to think about you.
– labelling confusion, miscommunication or difference of opinion as gaslighting.

https://thebodyisnotanapology.com/magazine/what-do-we-do-when-someone-with-less-social-privilege-is-abusive-to-someone-with-more-social-privilege-poplar-rose/ 

Yes, it can be difficult for CPTSD victims to realize that the same habits they relied upon to survive ongoing trauma are the very sorts of habits that will destroy healthy relationships.  Yes, CPTSD victims can still be (for example) racist and transphobic, despite otherwise not holding power over.  But that doesn't translate to "this person I hold power over is gaslighting and abusing me".

If you find yourself struggling to cope with the emotional turmoil that can often come with relationships with CPTSD victims you hold power over, maybe exercise that power you hold to take a break to take care of yourself.  Then revisit the issue at a time you both agree on; you setting this boundary might trigger their abandonment issues, but state firmly and compassionately that you want to be able to be emotionally centered and present to provide them the best support you are able, and that requires self-care first.  Remember that no matter how much this might feel like gaslighting, this person is struggling with dark thoughts that make it all feel so very real to them, and that you turning the tables on them to paint them as "the real abuser" will only perpetuate the emotional nightmare they wish they could escape.

Lastly, take a good hard look at yourself.  Are you in denial about leveraging the power you hold over this person?  Are you possibly over-extending yourself and your capacity to provide competent emotional care for another person?  You might actually need to get help to figure out the answers to these questions.

Earning Love

"it’s important to separate the nice things you do for your friend from the hope that they’ll love you back if you just give enough" ~Ginny Brown

This is, I think, the basis for many unhealthy relationships - that is, the belief that if I just do the right kinds of things and become the right kind of person, I will be rewarded with the kind of love I am seeking. For starters, abusers frequently reinforce and exploit this belief by tying their love to certain of their victim's behaviors as a reward. The recipient is flooded with warm fuzzy reinforcement to continue their unhealthy relationship with the abuser.

Keep in mind, I'm not saying victims are too stupid to see through this and walk away. On the contrary, emotional needs are as important to our health as physical needs like shelter and food, and an abuser who can provide for some of those emotional needs can be as difficult to survive without as an abuser who provides for physical needs, when the victim has few other options.

But even outside of an abusive dynamic, it's still an unhealthy belief to hold. Can I really be happy in a relationship where I feel like their love for me is contingent upon constant performance? Christianity nurtured that dynamic in my life, and by the end of my journey, I was left feeling worthless and empty and deserving of hell.

Without this belief that I can earn love through good deeds, what then am I left with? I've had to rebuild a worldview that elevates the inherent worth and dignity of every person, because of our "flaws", not in spite of them. Service to and connectedness with others is the closest thing to a spiritual experience I have. When I am affirming their value as individuals in my life and affirming their uniqueness and worth as human beings, I'm affirming that same worth within myself that we both share.

I'm still growing and developing as a person for whom this doesn't come easy, but what I strive toward is behavior toward others that is emotionally rewarding for their own sake, not for some promise of future return. Service, friendship, caring, nurturing to others are not banking on future return of love; I'm thriving within a shared self-love. I may still occasionally wonder whether there is potential for romance or affection between us, but I am enriched by the growth of friendship and community in the present.

Trigger Warnings

This blog post was written to fulfill an assignment for the course Creativity & Community.

Last night my girlfriend had a runny nose, so I went and got a mostly-empty roll of toilet paper and tossed it to them.  I'm one of those funny people who likes bouncing lightweight objects off of others, so it bounced off their chest.  Immediately they started gasping for air like I'd hit them with a fastball.  They dove to the ground and gasped for air, wailing loudly and unnaturally.  Their brother came running and asked what's wrong.  "I'm fine," still wheezing.  "Well, you don't sound fine."  "I'm sorry."  They say that a lot, "I'm sorry," when the PTSD is acting up.

Most people seem not to understand how PTSD really works.  In this case, the glimpse of the toilet paper being casually tossed in the air triggered a physical response, due to its visual similarity to the casual toss of a tear gas bomb that they've previously been exposed to.  As soon as they were hit with a very lightweight TP roll and not a heavy smoldering cannister, they consciously were aware that nothing was wrong, but by then their body had already involuntarily gone into defense mode: restricting airways to keep the gas out.

They apologize a lot, and it makes me sad, because I'm not the one who deserves an apology.  It was a complete accident that I triggered them, and now the best future action is to hand items to them instead of tossing them, to avoid a similar situation.  Even saying "hey, here's your toilet paper" and waiting for comprehension before tossing it would have made a difference (oh hindsight).  This is what's known as a trigger warning, because it is a warning to precede something that would otherwise be triggering without the warning.  That makes all the difference: warning, no trigger; no warning, trigger.

I've seen people get offended by that concept.  It really is a weird thing, as though basic medical facts are something non-medical persons should deny on a whim.  I've seen it framed as "censorship".  I find that odd, because censorship would involve not engaging in the triggering behavior at all, rather than warning about it and then doing it anyway as is typically done.

I've also seen some disagreement between "real PTSD" and "sensitive feelings".  Again I find that odd, because it is a medical fact that abusive behaviors sustained over time are as traumatic as brief life-threatening situations.  This is known as Complex PTSD.  For example, my girlfriend already had sustained trauma from abuse before they ever stepped into a combat zone, and they would never say that the former is somehow more preferable to the latter.

Somewhat more complicated is the issue of exposure therapy, and whether people with PTSD need exposure to recover.  First off, this is not always the case.  Some patients get worse from exposure therapy, not better.  Second, exposure therapy must be supervised by a medical professional!  Trigger warnings are used in non-medical settings because we recognize that we're not medical professionals with the ability to regulate a patent's response to the material, and as a result we could be making their medical condition worse.

So who should be using trigger warnings and for what?  Clearly if I care about my girlfriend, I should take into account their particular needs.  What about my blog?  I try not to get too graphic - I could be wrong, but humans often are, and I'm willing to edit anything to add a warning if the need for a particular one is pointed out.  What about the classroom?  Well, schools are required to comply with ADA accessibility accommodations, and PTSD is disabling, so it's up to the school to work toward making sure everyone has equal access to the same education.  Can we adequately warn everyone about everything?  Probably not, but aim for the moon, and even if you miss, you'll land among the stars.

The Grace to Become our Better Selves

I believe in something greater than myself.
A better world.
A world without sin.

So me and mine gotta lay down and die...
so you can live in your better world?

I'm not going to live there.
There's no place for me there...
any more than there is for you. Malcolm...
I'm a monster.
What I do is evil.
I have no illusions about it, but it must be done.

Serenity (2005): the Operative calls Mal

The remarkable thing about self-justification is that it allows us to shift from one role to the other and back again in the blink of an eye, without applying what we have learned from one role to the next.  Feeling like a victim of injustice in one situation does not make us less likely to commit an injustice against someone else, nor does it make us more sympathetic to victims.  It's as if there is a brick wall between those two sets of experiences, blocking our ability to see the other side.  Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), page 192¹

"We back people into corners, and don't give them the grace to become their better selves." ~Me²
"Oh, that is just so cute!"  ~James Croft

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I have no interest in being one of the Good Ones.  I'm not your model minority.  This terrible bargain I have regretfully struck often leads me to situations where I don't have any beneficial doubts left to give.  So how then did I arrive here in this space, contemplating the ways in which the social justice community has utterly let us down?



I have had to block a grand total of 3 people on Facebook for harassing me in private messages which they initiated.  I consider myself lucky that it's only 3, as I know of people for whom that is their daily minimum.  One was a guy who said he had a crush on me, and when I didn't respond quickly enough³, he gave me a lecture on how I owed him a response.  Another guy I had to block was actually e-stalking me, after I posted a smart-ass comment on his blog where he declared his intent to quit blogging if one more feminist complained about "sexism in atheism" [spoiler: he didn't quit blogging].

But the one that actually made my jaw drop was no entitled jerk-butt dude, she was a social justice activist.  I had shared two things on Facebook which she objected to.  I understand why she objected, and I myself would not share them today.  What happened with her was such a flurry I could barely keep track of what was happening at the time, but I still remember it vividly.  I had been working, and when I got the time to check back into Facebook, there were 75 comments on the offending post, and half of them was this woman calling me (and anyone else who wandered in) a bigot.  There were also several private messages from her that were taking me to task.  I tried having a conversations with her about the matter over the following day or so, but I quite obviously didn't have the time or energy she did to keep up with the vitriol she was throwing at me and everyone else on my page, so I blocked her too.

What really stuck with me though was the way she made it quite clear that she saw her role in all of this as being my punisher.  She wasn't trying to educate me or anyone else there about why Everybody Draw Mohammed Day can be Islamophobic, nor did she ever ask whether I knew RadFem Hub⁴ was transmisogynist (again, things I now know better about).  She put minimal effort into showing concern for the harmful effects our actions would have on actual Muslims or trans people.  She didn't even want an apology or for me to make a good-faith effort toward fixing the situation or changing my ways for the better.  No, what she demanded most was for us adapt her perspective that we are bad people.



I don't share this story so that you feel sorry for me, or outraged at Those Social Justice Activists™ (after all, I did eventually figure out what she was ranting about, and learned a thing or two).  The reason this sticks with me even today isn't for throwing a perpetual pity party⁵.  It's that I realized through her behavior I was being granted a vision of my own SJ future; there, but for the grace I grant humanity, go I.  And much like Ebeneezer Scrooge, I saw how easily I could become that person myself.

This isn't to say that I can just blow smoke up my own ass and everything will be okay.  Obviously, if all it took for us to be granted our equal rights in society was for us to ask politely, we'd have equality by now.  But I also know that the act of expressing anger is not without negative health effects on my own physical body.  As a humanist, I know that I only get one life.  This is it.  I want to spend it making the world a better place for others, but I am unwilling to destroy myself in the process.  Self-care is not selfish.

This is where the social justice community has failed me, and many others like me.  There are entire guides to calling others out and checking your own privilege and being a good ally.  I do not, however, see a doctrine of transformative grace.

What I need, what so many of us need, are the tools to become our better selves, and the social support to explore what this means for ourselves without being cut down at our first faltering steps.  For example, even though there is no obligation for anyone to forgive their oppressor, some of us may want access to and support using the tools we need to let go of bitterness before it burns us to ashes from within⁶.  But when we speak out about this aspect of our mental/emotional health, we're quickly shot down with reminders of how our needs aren't politically convenient to the social justice narrative.  We're told that we're accepting blame on ourselves as individuals that should be placed on society, that we're reinforcing the status quo - a perversion of "the personal is political".



I keep holding off on publishing this, waiting for inspiration to recall that perfect real-world example from my past that will bring tears to my readers' eyes, or write that perfect closing paragraph to revolutionize the social justice community.  And of course I won't, because I'm just some humanist with uncomfortable ideals and inconvenient life experiences, and this is a blog with 3 followers.  So to all 3 of you, I leave you with this quote, which I rather like, but couldn't quite find a way to insert it into the blog post without an awkward transition, thusly:

Clinical psychologists Andrew Christensen and Neil Jacobson described three possible ways out of the emotional impasse.  ...    If it is only the perpetrator who apologizes and tries to atone, it may not be done honestly or in a way that assuages and gives closure to the victim's suffering.  But if it is only the victim who lets go and forgives, the perpetrator may have no incentive to change, and therefore may continue behaving unfairly or callously.  ...  The third way, they suggest, is the hardest but most hopeful for a long-term resolution to the conflict: Both sides drop their self-justifications and agree on steps they can take together to move forward.  Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson, Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me), page 210

Let us grant each other the grace to become our better selves.

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Edit 1/26/14: I figured if I kept my eyes open, I'd find some other people saying similar things to what I'm saying, and sure enough here are a couple good blog posts:

Calling IN: A Less Disposable Way of Holding Each Other Accountable by Ngọc Loan Trần

On cynicism, calling out, and creating movements that don’t leave our people behind by Verónica Bayetti Flores

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Footnotes:
1. I highly encourage you to click that link and continue to read, as they describe an experiment wherein people generally rate the pain caused to themselves as more severe than the same degree of pain they themselves cause to others.
2. Regarding the Ron Lindsey mansplains the entire Women In Secularism 2 conference incident of June 2013.
3. I didn't save the convo, but here's one a friend recently had that was rather similar, except hers was even worse than mine.
4. That's a no-follow link, I'm willing to increase their hit counts.  Fortunately, the original RadFem Hub is no longer on the internet, but they managed to save plenty of their horribleness in their new archives.
5. Referencing note #3, I have friends who experience worse on a daily basis. Fuck yeah, Patriarchy!
6. As always, the person who wrote the CNN headline didn't bother to read the article.  But you should read the entire thing through.

Trans Suicide Rates

For Transgender Day of Remembrance, let us remember that violence comes in more forms than direct physical attacks:

"A staggering 41% of respondents reported attempting suicide compared to 1.6% of the general population, with rates rising for those who lost a job due to bias (55%), were harassed/bullied in school (51%), had low household income, or were the victim of physical assault (61%) or sexual assault (64%)." http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/reports/reports/ntds_summary.pdf


"Nearly half (49%) of black respondents reported having attempted suicide." http://www.transequality.org/PDFs/BlackTransFactsheetFINAL_090811.pdf

"[Non-binary/genderqueer people] are slightly more likely to have attempted suicide at some point in their life (43 percent) than [binary transgender people] (40 percent). Both of these figures strike a stark contrast against the 1.6 percent rate of suicide attempts over the lifespan for the general U.S. population" http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/release_materials/agendernotlistedhere.pdf

So, for TDoR, I want to remind you that even if you feel like you don't matter to anyone in the world, you matter to us. Please remember that self-care is not selfish, that sometimes reaching out for help makes you the strongest person in the world. It may not "get better", but every time a trans person lives another day, you have the satisfaction of knowing you've pissed off a fundamentalist simply for existing. 

Does ADHD cause gender dysphoria?

doingthegreatfuckingnorthernrun asked:

Hi! So I posted on addforums, and kind of made a mess of genderqueer/adhd. Basically someone else said that adhd made her gender issues go away, and she said my gender issues sounded similar as did my adhd. however this made me really dsyphoric and I have been out of control. they also were like you cant start T and adhd meds at the same time. they kept pushing adhd meds, saying I won't know my perception of self until I do. you are like the only person I can find that might have some input.

Oh hi!  Ironically I have too much ADHD to regularly participate in ADD Forums, but thanks for looking me up.
I think they're full of shit trying to push any medication regime on you. Sounds like they're trying to "save" you from being genderqueer or something.
I can see how someone having ADHD might misattribute their social/mental dysphoria to gender dysphoria. I've considered it myself, since when I eat right and get enough sleep, my ADHD symptoms are greatly improved, and incidentally I have less gender-related anxiety as well. What if ADHD is causing the dysphoria?
For her, it seems that was the case, and she's managed to identify the correct cause of her problems. For me, it's that I'm managing my gender dysphoria better when I'm taking care of my mental health reserves. I can deal with being GQ better when I don't have to also deal with ADHD quite so much. Balancing all that is exhausting!
As far as you "can't" start T and ADHD meds at the same time... that sounds like something only your medical professionals can advise you. Outside of general concerns monitoring for unpleasant side effects (two new drugs at once may make it difficult to figure out what's caused by which), I haven't heard of any horrible drug reactions between the two that would prevent concurrent use.

Humanizing Genderqueer 11: M

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

A group of friends and I were all enthusiastically discussing a film we all love but have never watched collectively. Everyone but me identified as a cisgender woman. A friend exclaimed "Let's have a ladies' night!" Not a single beat later, she corrected herself "A people's night!" - and in chorus with several other people who were present. Not only did my friend catch herself and correct herself without me needing to speak up, my other friends were ready and willing to do that work for me, knowing how I have to deal with misgendering all the time from strangers and intimates alike and wanting to offer me a break from continual education and advocacy. It made me feel like they really have my back on this issue.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

Pretty much every day. Genderqueer where I live is not a widely recognized gender category, nor is it known to my family and most of my friends. As a curvaceous person, no matter how masculinely I cut my hair or how tightly I bind, so far people consistently perceive me as female. When I choose to come out to someone, I have to explain what my gender identity means, and I continual struggle with how to word it so that people don't dismiss me as being "precious," or whatever. Just walking down the street, I have to deal with misogynistic harassment, people saying "excuse me ma'am" or "pardon me, girl" or whatever gendered nouns and honorifics they feel they must use in situations that really, really don't require any.
Worst, I cannot be out at work. Not because my workplace is hostile, thankfully, but because: how do you explain, in our heavily binaristic and heternormative culture, the concept of genderqueer and pronouns and bodies to the specific adults with special needs with whom I work? I came really close accidentally one time, when I asked a man I work with to please stop using "ladies" for a group that included me ("ladies" is a particular pet peeve of mine). He answered with "Well, that's what you are isn't it? You aren't some...thing." Most of the people I work with wouldn't be any better at looking at a body like mine and remembering that it isn't female than my neurotypical friends are (they need reminding often enough), and many of them struggle with language and don't need an extra pronoun or two thrown in the mix - ones that are not in popular use and that their families probably wouldn't understand. (I want to be really clear that I am talking about specific people whom I know very well, not painting a broad community as incapable of understanding gender diversity.)

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Mostly, genderqueer/nonbinarism isn't very well known, in my experience. Education in that matter is important - and it provides a lead-in to a very simple and important point that would greatly decrease my discomfort just walking around in the world - "Don't use gendered terms with/for folks who haven't explicitly identified their gender to you, especially when addressing strangers." "Have a great day!" and "Sorry for bumping you!" are perfectly polite and require no added "ma'am" or "lady" or "girl" or "sir" or "man" to be perceived as such.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

M, 26, agender/genderqueer, PDX

Survey responses shared with permission.

Community Support and the Realities of Trans Suicide

Just read a kind letter from someone checking up on me, making sure I'm okay, since I haven't been online all that much recently. I am - life is good! But I want to thank each and every one of you who has ever reached out to another person with care and concern. It may not seem like a very significant thing to do, but each kind word adds up. Part of my personal growth as a humanist has involved considering how my actions exist in context of the lives of those around me.

I recently attended a safe space discussion on the impact of suicide on a local community. One of the principles I like to borrow from UU philosophy is the respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part. Human beings are not islands. We have neither the right to demand of others nor often the luxury to demand of ourselves to operate in isolation.

Every act of compassion is a radical act of humanism in a society that glorifies hyper-individuality. Similarly, admitting one's own interdependence on those around us is not an admission of personal weakness or failure, but a radical act of self-care. The commitment I see in those around me to affirming these principles in their actions is something that warms my little humanist heart.

I've been sharing my thoughts with various communities, because I feel it's important to periodically recognize the goodness I see in those around me. One thing I want to add in here is that the sad fact of being a gender minority is the presence of suicidal ideation. Or to put it another way, I don't know a trans person who didn't have suicidal thoughts as a part of their personal story. Statistically, 41% of us have attempted suicide, and we all have found ourselves in situations where outside support seems thin or nonexistent.

I want to reaffirm to all of you that needing support is normal and healthy. That suicidal thoughts in the absence of support, in a society that hates us, are neither unusual nor a personal moral failing. The world would be a much dimmer place if a single one of your lights were to be snuffed out, because I see you, and you all are amazing people. I hope that as we stumble through life together, we can continue to create a culture of compassion that allows us each to be fully and unapologetically human.

The Problem with Armchair Diagnosing Mental Illness

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2013/03/narcissistic-sociopathic-or-plain-abusive/

I have occasionally run into people who are preoccupied with narcissism/sociopathy. They insist that they can spot the tell-tale signs a mile away, and that the only acceptable response is to turn the diagnosed into a pariah.

I have several problems with this. For one, it reinforces the concept of sane privilege, which sets people who struggle with mental health as inferior to those with a mental health status accepted by society as "normal". It also introduces the idea that laypersons should be armchair diagnosing other members of society with mental illness, under the guise of self-preservation. Perhaps there could be a point on the side of such people if mental illness actually were associated with increased rates of abusive behavior, but the facts simply don't support such an assertion.

The end result of this sort of false correlation is a mental illness stigma on those who would seek help. This not only discourages people from getting help who need it, lest they be labeled as a dangerous person; it also diverts mental health resources away from those who don't fit our stereotypes of someone who needs help, when "needs help" is actually code for "is dangerous".

He/him

Edit: this was at a time when I was contemplating using he/him pronouns. I currently use they/them.

I feel a sort of a failure for giving in to binary pronouns. I've stuck fast to my ideology for almost 2 years now, but as much as I love beating my head against a wall, I've decided to give my head a rest (or the wall, whichever way you look at it).

But the fact is, people will not gender me correctly. And I mean will, as in willfully. I have heard every excuse under the book as to why people deserve indefinite free passes on using ze/hir like I've asked. And I'm meant to take this as a reasonable violation of my trust.

Now my son has turned 6. I've got to somehow navigate connecting this issue with him in a meaningful way, and I can't do that in a world in which I'm continually crossed on all sides - emotionally, I can't.

It breaks me somewhat. The same way it frustrates me that I can't vote for the Green Party which actually gives a shit about people like me, and I'm faced with a "choice" between the Democrats and Bigotry Incarnate.

And then people see me make the most of what I have, and they feel validated somehow. How glorious for them! I've reinforced their binary! See, they really knew what was best for me all along!

So here I am, wearing the Emperor's Hand-Me-Downs, where everyone tells me how great I look now I've finally heeded their expertise, as I hand over my dignity.

Question: Andy, are you a card-holding homosexual?

Because I have a legitimate question for someone with a better grasp on how homosexuals classify or define homosexuality...and this is after I was (no kidding) in "the gay dorm" in college. It was in a themed college in Northern California - and the dorms were all themed too...and our dorm was the "gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, Jewish" dorm.
So, how do homosexuals account for or classify people that have the urge to experiment and *like* it, but are "primarily straight"? There's no great way to ask this question - and believe me, I'm one of the most LGBTQIA-friendly folk, but I still don't know if all homosexuals are literally "born that way", but I'm curious to know what someone of that orientation feels. Also, and slightly related, Is there any talk about (or truth to) the idea of a kid's sexuality being "rewired" after some form of abuse? I don't know if that's still something people say, or if that was one of those things conservatives said to dismiss homosexuality as a "problem to be fixed."
Anyway Andy, I appreciate you answering any of that - and if it didn't make sense, I'm typing from my iPhone, so I literally don't know how to scroll up and re-read what I wrote without losing it.

The classification of people into identity groups based on their sexual orientations is a recent development in human history as a necessary step toward political organization for rights. It isn't, however, necessarily based on what's most useful for people to relate to themselves. The "lifestyle choice vs born this way" debate, then, is also based from that perspective.

What we know about human behavior in all areas is that it's far more complicated than that. It is useful in certain circumstances to help someone understand "I am not choosing to go to hell, I'm a normal healthy part of the human experience" as a way for them to come to terms with being themselves in a world that hates them. But I will point out that the problem is entirely external - if people would stop being haters, nobody would need to find a "justification" in genetic determinism.

But if someone were born one way, and then experienced a traumatic event (abuse or brain injury or whatever) and became a different way, how then would we come to the conclusion that there is even a problem to be fixed? Because its origins are something distasteful to us? That doesn't lead us to want to cure Spiderman. Of course not, Spiderman is cool, and even a traumatic origin story doesn't mean the end result isn't amazing. That's how it is with being queer. I'm baffled that people out there would suggest I waste countless hours trying to undo a part of myself that to me is a good thing.

Then we come to the heart of your question: what if we could chose? Granted, that's still looking at it too simply. There are no such things as "free choices", because every choice comes with a baggage of all sorts of good or bad consequences. We tend to focus on physical responses in our society: the physical response of being sexually attracted, sexually indifferent, or sexually repulsed by a particular body. But that's not the only aspect of human sexuality that is significant in defining our choices and experiences. Personality is another: you know those people you just love being around, who make any activity more fun than if you had done it alone. Why not sex? Why not experimentation?

Well, it could be awkward. And there lies the heart of the matter. Awkward because society has wired us to feel that way. And sometimes people hear social training as something that you can just "choose" to undo. And maybe you can, and maybe you can't. Again, that depends on the baggage of that choice's consequences. (Go ahead, try to "choose" to walk down the street stark naked in front of an elementary school building, see what sorts of psychological and social trauma you might manage to escape.) It's what is known philosophically as "compulsory heterosexuality" (this is where you have fun Googling, hint hint).

I'm pansexual. That means I don't experience attraction along the linear scale ranging from homosexual-bisexual-heterosexual. It's more like wibbly wobbly sexy wexy feelings all around. That means, I absolutely can have a choice in who I am attracted to and who I am not. Granted, my choice isn't always the final say in the matter, there are some things I'm genuinely repulsed by (independent of gender or genitalia). I might have difficulty getting it on with someone who is a real jerk, or who thinks they're a psychic vampire, or who is covered in weird pimples, for example. I am definitely into people who are smart and funny in a pleasant disarming way, and who care about me as a person. But damn, 7 billion people on the planet? Of course I'm making some choices.

tl;dr - You might be labeled "bicurious" or "heteroflexible". If that sort of thing even matters.

Communication and ADHD

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/may-i-have-your-attention/201102/i-cant-believe-i-just-said

As a person with ADHD, having conversations with single-thought people (my name for all you who only contemplate one thing at a time) can result in frustration and miscommunication, often without an obvious reason why.  My whole life has been trying to figure out why others act like I'm a bad person simply for being myself.  "You're so weird!"  "Don't you know how rude you're being?"  "Sometimes I think you do that on purpose."  Despite all that hostility, I'm still trying to figure out the secrets of so-called normal communication, and I'm getting better every year.

"But Andy!" I'm sure you're saying, "what about the secrets of ADHD communication?  I appreciate that you're trying to learn about us, but I want to learn about you too.  Don't be stingy, now."  I wouldn't dream of withholding such useful information, which is why I'm sharing this link I recently found.  It's the best summary I've ever read, and pretty much describes my experiences spot-on, but I'll go ahead and add my own notes below.

Blurting Things Out - This has nothing to do with how little I respect the person I'm talking with.  Instead, it has to do with the way my hardware runs.  I can't count how many times I was about ready to say something, tried to my tongue for a few seconds, and then completely forgot what it was I was about ready to say (and this has happened for very important issues too). As many people with ADHD are well aware, thoughts are transient things.  Any moment I'm thinking of something may well be the last, before it's lost forever to forgetfulness.  Sometimes I manage to make it to a pen and paper in time.  But often, I just say it, that way it gets out of my brain where I don't have to worry about it any longer.  You may wonder what was so important about squirrels that it couldn't wait a minute?  Well, let's just say that the fear of forgetting often overrides taking the risk to waste precious have decided that understand that yes, this cannot wait, it might be forgotten.  Also, if I'm spending time contemplating what I'm about to say, I'm diverting my attention away from what someone else is saying in a conversation, and I've just completely missed it all.  This is why I often just say what I have to say, then ask my conversational partner to continue where they left off.

Conversations that Go Everywhere - Apparently some people only think about one thing at a time.  I never saw the point.  After all, everything in life is interconnected (6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, anyone?), and drawing those diverse connections out into the open is an exciting way to learn new perspectives on familiar topics.  I you really want to focus on one particular point, let me know.  This doesn't mean I'll sit up straight and refuse to deviate (as if that were possible, ha!), but it does mean that I'll make sure to regularly touch base with that topic as we converse, especially if you bring it up again.

Monologues - If you don't like what I'm talking about, switch the topic.  I probably won't notice if you don't find my thoughts engaging.  I can't notice.  I'm about as useful for reading conversational cues as my tone-deaf father is for reading music.  The good news is, I rarely take a subject-change as a bad sign, and in fact could get excited because something new and different is now happening.

Extreme Defensiveness - I've been told I have this.  Possibly.  The author said it's because of years of being constantly criticized.  I do know I'm tired of being told I'm a bad person simply because I am neurologically different.  The best way to approach me is with the phrase "I know you may not be aware you're doing this..."

Poor Memory of Agreements or Incidents - I do my best, but I already have a long list of things I'm supposed to change about myself in order to fit in.  Your item probably got lost down at the bottom.  Just issue a gentle reminder, and I'll try to bump it up a bit.

Getting Lost in Conversations or Wildly Misunderstanding - I often get blamed as though I do this on purpose.  It helps if you use really specific examples during conversations for me to help define the topic.  In fact, tell stories, so I can form a vivid visualization of people acting out what you're trying to tell me.  Also, ask questions.  I do a lot of question-asking myself, and if they seem to be leading in the wrong direction, it's not because I'm trying to trip you up, it's because I'm trying to rule out what you're not saying to get a better grip on what you actually are saying.

There you go!  Hopefully the article and my comments help you out.  And if anyone has created a similar cheat-sheet for how single-thought people converse that is as good as this one, let me know.  I've been looking for one for over 2 decades.