ÍslendingaApp: Icelanders' anti-incest app.

It's 2013, right? Surely people in Iceland have sex for fun way more than they have sex for babies. Why do they need an anti-incest app? [content note: classism in comments] 

Some have suggested that Iceland is so culturally closed off from the rest of the world that they risk becoming a nation of "inbreds". I disagree. I don't think they can. It would have to be a small handful of people over multiple generations (think the Pharaohs of Egypt, or certain noble houses of England). I'll leave it to the actual geneticists to settle this one, though.

I do think it's worth exploring why people are concerned about things like bumping cousins outside of the context of reproduction, though. Or to phrase it another way: why do we instantly think of babies when we think of "incest"?

We've fought long and hard for sex and even marriage itself to be recognized as something for more than reproduction. We had to do this to validate same-sex relationships, even though (gasp!) no babies will result*. We had to do this to validate birth control for teens, unmarried women, and really anyone at all. Masturbation even used to be called "onanism" because of a Bible story about a guy who would rather jerk it than impregnate someone.

But suggest that a person might want to have a one-night stand with their cuz, and ZOMG INCEST! and they make an entire fucking app for it?

Unless it turns out that the majority of children in Iceland are born within the context of casual cousin-sex gone amok... maybe I could see the need for caution.

*which erases trans experiences, but I digress

Community Support and the Realities of Trans Suicide

Just read a kind letter from someone checking up on me, making sure I'm okay, since I haven't been online all that much recently. I am - life is good! But I want to thank each and every one of you who has ever reached out to another person with care and concern. It may not seem like a very significant thing to do, but each kind word adds up. Part of my personal growth as a humanist has involved considering how my actions exist in context of the lives of those around me.

I recently attended a safe space discussion on the impact of suicide on a local community. One of the principles I like to borrow from UU philosophy is the respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part. Human beings are not islands. We have neither the right to demand of others nor often the luxury to demand of ourselves to operate in isolation.

Every act of compassion is a radical act of humanism in a society that glorifies hyper-individuality. Similarly, admitting one's own interdependence on those around us is not an admission of personal weakness or failure, but a radical act of self-care. The commitment I see in those around me to affirming these principles in their actions is something that warms my little humanist heart.

I've been sharing my thoughts with various communities, because I feel it's important to periodically recognize the goodness I see in those around me. One thing I want to add in here is that the sad fact of being a gender minority is the presence of suicidal ideation. Or to put it another way, I don't know a trans person who didn't have suicidal thoughts as a part of their personal story. Statistically, 41% of us have attempted suicide, and we all have found ourselves in situations where outside support seems thin or nonexistent.

I want to reaffirm to all of you that needing support is normal and healthy. That suicidal thoughts in the absence of support, in a society that hates us, are neither unusual nor a personal moral failing. The world would be a much dimmer place if a single one of your lights were to be snuffed out, because I see you, and you all are amazing people. I hope that as we stumble through life together, we can continue to create a culture of compassion that allows us each to be fully and unapologetically human.

Musings: Explaining Away the Trans

Hopefully this is at all inspiring to someone out there. But it probably is the opposite of help for someone else, so do feel free to completely ignore anything I have to say.

There are all sorts of hypotheses to explain away trans existence. "What if genderqueer people are just compensating for hating all gender roles!" "What if trans men are reacting to internalized misogyny?" "What if trans women are fetishizing women's bodies!" ...SO? No really, who gives a flying fuck if this or any other reason explains trans existence? If we truly believe that all genders are equally valid and deserve equal rights, we don't get to police why anyone would want to be a gender. It's OKAY to want to be a woman for any reason at all. It's OKAY to want to be genderqueer for any reason at all. It's OKAY to want to be a man for any reason at all. Unless we think there's something wrong with being a woman, or being genderqueer, or being a man, or being any flipping gender or none at all.

I've seen trans men turn around and be the biggest shitheads I've ever met, rolling in male privilege. And that still has nothing to do with that they're legitimately a man, because it's the Patriarchy that's fucked up, not being a man that's fucked up. I've seen trans lesbians be absolutely in love with their bodies and getting to experience female sexuality on themselves and with other people and do sex work flaunting their hot sexy selves. And that still has nothing to do with that they're legitimately a woman, because it's the Patriarchy that's fucked up, not thriving within one's womanly sexuality. And guess how few shits I give if some genderqueer or agender people think they're special snowflakes that just want everyone to give them shiny star stickers for showing up.

Cuz you know what? After we smash the Kyriarchy, being gender-unique won't be rare or outstanding at all. It will be part of the richness of humanity. And it already is - we already are legitimate people, and we already are getting a voice, and we already are seeing a world in which gender roles are being stretched ever wider every day. And if someone doesn't get that? If someone ever thinks that we're going away or can be explained away? We've already outgrown them.

The single greatest inspirational quote for me (and I hate inspirational quotes most of the time) is when Kate Bornstein said the secret to her living a genderfree life is that "you look for where gender is, and then you go someplace else." And I didn't realize the impact it had at the time, this being several years ago. At first I was like How, Mama Bornstein, how could I ever accomplish such a thing? And I can't, not 100%, not perfectly.

But after a while, I realized that I'm not aiming for perfection - I don't want perfection, because I don't want to live a life without gender, I want to live a life with all the genders. I look forward to each and every moment when I get to live as woman, man, gender-confusing, androgynous, gender-fucking, nerdy, genderqueer me at any time and every time and no time. Obviously it still sucks when someone tells me I "have" to be any one of those things! But when I get to be? Phenomenal.

Because this is my life. I have 50 more years of this ahead of me (based on my grandparents' longevity). I don't have a choice - I have to make peace with myself and my approach to life, or I don't get to live.

Musings: It's not me, it's them.

It seems like the gender binary is oftentimes not even between man/woman but rather between man/not-man. "But you're not a man!" Yeah, no shit.

Another thing that gives me whiplash is that my entire life was people telling me how to be the right kind of girl. Dress this way! Act this way! Finally I threw the whole thing off, thinking that since I'm *not* doing those things I'd immediately get ushered into the not-girl category, like had been threatened me my whole life. NOPE. Suddenly everyone's a "feminist". [I purposely place in "scare quotes".] Girls can do X too! X being anything I happen to be doing at the time.

There's no winning when playing by everyone else's rules, because their rules are rigged in their favor. Always. The single greatest eye-opener for me was when I was not binding, just wearing plainclothes (somewhat gender-neutral) and I was ushered by a helpful lady into the men's room. There are plenty of times when that doesn't happen even when I'm presenting masculine-to-the-max. It suddenly clicked, not just in my brain, but in the core of my beliefs, a very liberating realization:

It's not me. It's them.*

I don't have to feel like it's something I've said or done. I don't have to feel insecure. I don't have to question what I'm wearing or how I'm acting. I'm going to do what makes me comfortable in my own skin, or even (gasp!) most fun at that moment. If they don't get it, I'll smile and pat them on the head and tell them that one day they'll learn.

*with the problem, that is

"I'm just not attracted to X"

I've noticed quite a lot of "I'm just not attracted to X" in my years, where X happens to be a member of society that is explicitly propped up as "revolting" by the media and the general public. X includes trans people, black people, fat people, etc. "I'm not racist, I just can't" I've heard. And you know what? I'm not debating whether someone "can", or whether someone "should", as if anyone has an obligation to prove their possibilities by forcing them into realities.

But I do expect people to be mature enough to know when they've been instructed "thou shalt not" from birth, that they're not experiencing a unique unbiased independent pure natural totally-has-nothing-to-do-with-society attraction. Not in a society that has been flooding their minds from birth with these anti-X messages. I also expect people to understand that, even if it feels like their sexuality is operating outside of society, that their own messages which contribute to the "X is revolting", even if not explicitly saying as much, are going to be added to that arsenal by society as a weapon against the next X person.

So again: I don't expect anyone to run off and force themselves into sexual experiments or whatnot. That's not what this is about. This is about being willing to introspectively critique one's own place in society, and how deep that external influence can actually go.

Edit to Add:

What I say: “Personal preferences don’t exist in a vacuum.”

What people read: “Personal preferences don’t exist.”

Sigh...

The Problem with Armchair Diagnosing Mental Illness

http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbalabuseinrelationships/2013/03/narcissistic-sociopathic-or-plain-abusive/

I have occasionally run into people who are preoccupied with narcissism/sociopathy. They insist that they can spot the tell-tale signs a mile away, and that the only acceptable response is to turn the diagnosed into a pariah.

I have several problems with this. For one, it reinforces the concept of sane privilege, which sets people who struggle with mental health as inferior to those with a mental health status accepted by society as "normal". It also introduces the idea that laypersons should be armchair diagnosing other members of society with mental illness, under the guise of self-preservation. Perhaps there could be a point on the side of such people if mental illness actually were associated with increased rates of abusive behavior, but the facts simply don't support such an assertion.

The end result of this sort of false correlation is a mental illness stigma on those who would seek help. This not only discourages people from getting help who need it, lest they be labeled as a dangerous person; it also diverts mental health resources away from those who don't fit our stereotypes of someone who needs help, when "needs help" is actually code for "is dangerous".

Bisexuals and Straight Privilege

Edit: I disagree with much of this now, but I am not deleting it in the interest of honesty.  I recognize now that bisexual (cis) women experience higher rates of violence  and abuse than any other cis queer demographic, and that for trans bisexuals (especially black trans people) it's even worse.  Materially, "looking straight" has proven to offer no protection.

As someone who used to see myself as cis bisexual (before I was comfortable with accepting my trans status), I can definitely relate to #1 and #2 in this post. I gained a lot of privilege when I was with a man that I lost when I was with a woman.

Having been on both sides of the fence, and even on top of it from time to time, I can say that #3 is really missing the point of what "privilege" means. I wish privilege were a feeling! Unfortunately, privilege is an systematic advantage gained by having a status ascribed to oneself.

If people think I'm cis, and they see me with my partner, they will treat us like we're straight. It will not feel comfortable, and in fact will feel very degendering, but that doesn't change the fact that even wrongly-ascribed privilege is still privilege.

Not My Nigel

My Nigel* "gets it" more often than not. And I'm not saying everyone should give him cookies simply for being a decent human being, though of course I like to celebrate my partner's positive qualities because I love and respect him. But it seems like so many of my genderqueer and woman friends online and in meatspace are partnered with dudes that just don't "get it" at certain times when it seems like the situation is self-evidently hostile to gender equality. I want to be like "hey, this isn't rocket surgery, my Nigel gets it, what's this asshole's excuse?" but then that sounds so "my boyfriend can beat up your boyfriend."

I guess what I'm saying is that anti-feminist attitudes in men aren't some sort of force of nature, like "in today's forecast, we have a high of male supremacy with a chance of scattered sexist jokes." Some of us don't face that crap on the home front on a regular basis - my lived experience is proof of concept that this is not only possible, but to be expected, even demanded of men in our** lives. Anti-feminist male attitudes are the result of willful ignorance or gross negligence at best. They're not something that the gender minorities in our lives should be expected to brace themselves for on a regular basis, hoping the sexism washes over them with minimal damage, because "boys will be boys" and ze wouldn't want to hurt his feelings, now would ze?

*that's feminist lingo for a male partner, friend, or family member
**I in no way want to imply that the responsibility is on gender minorities to police men's behavior.

Zinnia Jones: Gender is only important when THEY say it is.

“What if someone thinks they’re a cat?”

(Besides the obvious answer that gender is a sub-set of humanity, and that cats are outside of humanity.)

SO WHAT?

So some guy thinks he's a cat. Is he still showing love and compassion to his friends and family? Is he still taking care of his responsibilities and meeting his goals? Why can't one of his goals be "cat"!

I, for one, anticipate our transhumanist future.

Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends": Scientific American

And here we have a prime example of the deep psychological damage that can be caused by cisheterosexuality. They claim to be "born this way" and that it's "natural", but the true cost of their lifestyle choices lies in their inability to function optimally in normal intergender friendships. Having identified with a sexuality as their primary identity, they are unable to keep their obsessive thoughts from perverting their daily social interactions, and misguidedly seek relief by segregating into sociopathic same-gender-only subcultures. Let us be on our guard against this insidious Straight Agenda.

/satire

My TDoR will be intersectional or it will be BULLSHIT.

Sitting here shedding white tears because I haven't even finished my coffee yet and already been hit with 4 powerful reminders of how racism shits all over everything, and how fond society is to look away instead of clean our mess up.

NPR ran a couple good stories this morning: one on the lashback against the choice to cast a light-skinned Hollywood-approved Nina Simone, and another on the rising acceptance of black people as valid nerds. I did a little fist-pump (while trying not to swerve off the road) because I was glad to hear the momentum going in the right direction. Just a few minutes later, NPR addressed the pro-pot movement as it pertains to Colorado, and of course they didn't mention how white-washed that movement is nor how racist anti-marijuana law enforcement is, nobody ever does.

Today is the Transgender Day of Remembrance (TDoR) - I'm sure you've heard of it. Pay attention to how the remembered are portrayed. See how many times you see happy white faces (or worse: white man faces) as the focus of all the attention. Make no mistake: this is about race. Trans women are killed because of their race and often their association with sex work. "Whore! Pervert! No need for an investigation" and the case is closed.

My TDoR will be intersectional or it will be BULLSHIT.

He/him

Edit: this was at a time when I was contemplating using he/him pronouns. I currently use they/them.

I feel a sort of a failure for giving in to binary pronouns. I've stuck fast to my ideology for almost 2 years now, but as much as I love beating my head against a wall, I've decided to give my head a rest (or the wall, whichever way you look at it).

But the fact is, people will not gender me correctly. And I mean will, as in willfully. I have heard every excuse under the book as to why people deserve indefinite free passes on using ze/hir like I've asked. And I'm meant to take this as a reasonable violation of my trust.

Now my son has turned 6. I've got to somehow navigate connecting this issue with him in a meaningful way, and I can't do that in a world in which I'm continually crossed on all sides - emotionally, I can't.

It breaks me somewhat. The same way it frustrates me that I can't vote for the Green Party which actually gives a shit about people like me, and I'm faced with a "choice" between the Democrats and Bigotry Incarnate.

And then people see me make the most of what I have, and they feel validated somehow. How glorious for them! I've reinforced their binary! See, they really knew what was best for me all along!

So here I am, wearing the Emperor's Hand-Me-Downs, where everyone tells me how great I look now I've finally heeded their expertise, as I hand over my dignity.

Gratuitous NPH

Fixed it for you.

Whoever made the original is just disgusting.
Also, that's NPH on the left.
You do know who he is, right?



Guize?



Srsly guize:



SRSLY:

Anonymous asked: I'm really confused about my gender. I don't know what or who I am. Is there any advice you can offer??

Honestly, the first step is to get to know yourself, not necessarily even in terms of gender. This takes time, and often involves trying new things (even if privately) and seeing if they feel like “you”. Gender is descriptive, not prescriptive - that means it describes who you are, not who you ought to force yourself to be. Sadly, finding a title for your gender is more difficult if your gender label is not popularly used in society.

Take me for example: my gender is best described as “nerd”, falling under the genderqueer umbrella. “Man” and “woman” are broad gender umbrellas too, with many sub-genders getting lumped in together under each. I worked this out for myself through trial and error, and lots of accepting that even those closest to me and who care about me didn’t know me as well as I know myself. I had to become brave enough to contradict others and tell them who I am.

I don’t recommend you go this alone (unless you operate best as a solitary being). My favorite group support is the Genderqueer Atheists on Facebook. Transgender Support is a group that may help you out as well. You can also look to your local LGBT Center for resources for gender minorities.

Above all else, trust yourself. If someone tells you something you “ought” to be feeling but you just can’t force yourself into feeling is right for you, believe your feelings are valid without needing a philosophical theoretical defense. Let others define themselves, and you define yourself.

Sex-Positive vs Trans Equality

There is no "vs".

I'll re-emphasize:

THERE IS NO COMPETITION.

I don't know where this epic battle originated nor why it's perpetuated to the levels we're seeing online (mostly targeted at Laci Green and at the so-called "Tumblr SJ Community"), but it has its roots in bullshit.

That's right:

BULLSHIT.

Tonight I'm going camping with some awesome trans peeps. We need body autonomy, we need positive sexuality, we need acceptance, we need the support of sex-positive community.

Tomorrow I'm going SlutWalking with some awesome sexpoz peeps. We need body autonomy, we need positive sexuality, we need acceptance, we need the support of the transgender community.

And you know what? Maybe some of us has let the others down on both sides. But we're trying. We're looking forward. We're coming together tomorrow night for a Transgender Panel at SlutWalk (I'm going to see many of the same people at both events). There is respect, there is concern, and there is hopefully increased understanding and compassion for each other.

So when I see all this SELFISH FOOLISH BICKERING all over my Tumblr and my internets, I am hurt. I am drained of my optimism and hope. Yes, things may need to be said, and people may need to learn lessons. But when it fucking goes to 11 and stays that way for as long as this has, it's time to get a fucking grip and either BECOME THE SOLUTION OR SIT THE FUCK DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Question: Andy, are you a card-holding homosexual?

Because I have a legitimate question for someone with a better grasp on how homosexuals classify or define homosexuality...and this is after I was (no kidding) in "the gay dorm" in college. It was in a themed college in Northern California - and the dorms were all themed too...and our dorm was the "gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, Jewish" dorm.
So, how do homosexuals account for or classify people that have the urge to experiment and *like* it, but are "primarily straight"? There's no great way to ask this question - and believe me, I'm one of the most LGBTQIA-friendly folk, but I still don't know if all homosexuals are literally "born that way", but I'm curious to know what someone of that orientation feels. Also, and slightly related, Is there any talk about (or truth to) the idea of a kid's sexuality being "rewired" after some form of abuse? I don't know if that's still something people say, or if that was one of those things conservatives said to dismiss homosexuality as a "problem to be fixed."
Anyway Andy, I appreciate you answering any of that - and if it didn't make sense, I'm typing from my iPhone, so I literally don't know how to scroll up and re-read what I wrote without losing it.

The classification of people into identity groups based on their sexual orientations is a recent development in human history as a necessary step toward political organization for rights. It isn't, however, necessarily based on what's most useful for people to relate to themselves. The "lifestyle choice vs born this way" debate, then, is also based from that perspective.

What we know about human behavior in all areas is that it's far more complicated than that. It is useful in certain circumstances to help someone understand "I am not choosing to go to hell, I'm a normal healthy part of the human experience" as a way for them to come to terms with being themselves in a world that hates them. But I will point out that the problem is entirely external - if people would stop being haters, nobody would need to find a "justification" in genetic determinism.

But if someone were born one way, and then experienced a traumatic event (abuse or brain injury or whatever) and became a different way, how then would we come to the conclusion that there is even a problem to be fixed? Because its origins are something distasteful to us? That doesn't lead us to want to cure Spiderman. Of course not, Spiderman is cool, and even a traumatic origin story doesn't mean the end result isn't amazing. That's how it is with being queer. I'm baffled that people out there would suggest I waste countless hours trying to undo a part of myself that to me is a good thing.

Then we come to the heart of your question: what if we could chose? Granted, that's still looking at it too simply. There are no such things as "free choices", because every choice comes with a baggage of all sorts of good or bad consequences. We tend to focus on physical responses in our society: the physical response of being sexually attracted, sexually indifferent, or sexually repulsed by a particular body. But that's not the only aspect of human sexuality that is significant in defining our choices and experiences. Personality is another: you know those people you just love being around, who make any activity more fun than if you had done it alone. Why not sex? Why not experimentation?

Well, it could be awkward. And there lies the heart of the matter. Awkward because society has wired us to feel that way. And sometimes people hear social training as something that you can just "choose" to undo. And maybe you can, and maybe you can't. Again, that depends on the baggage of that choice's consequences. (Go ahead, try to "choose" to walk down the street stark naked in front of an elementary school building, see what sorts of psychological and social trauma you might manage to escape.) It's what is known philosophically as "compulsory heterosexuality" (this is where you have fun Googling, hint hint).

I'm pansexual. That means I don't experience attraction along the linear scale ranging from homosexual-bisexual-heterosexual. It's more like wibbly wobbly sexy wexy feelings all around. That means, I absolutely can have a choice in who I am attracted to and who I am not. Granted, my choice isn't always the final say in the matter, there are some things I'm genuinely repulsed by (independent of gender or genitalia). I might have difficulty getting it on with someone who is a real jerk, or who thinks they're a psychic vampire, or who is covered in weird pimples, for example. I am definitely into people who are smart and funny in a pleasant disarming way, and who care about me as a person. But damn, 7 billion people on the planet? Of course I'm making some choices.

tl;dr - You might be labeled "bicurious" or "heteroflexible". If that sort of thing even matters.

Can a Trans Person Turn You Gay? or What Is "Straight" Anyway?

Tina sez: The definition of a straight person is someone who has an strong aversion to having sex with someone of the same gender, however that person or their genitals look. While your birth gender may not hold any importance to you, you do not have the right to say if this is important to your partner. I would not wish to have sex with another woman, but also I would not wish to have sex with that same woman if she had a doctor put her on male hormones and construct her a penis etc, to me, she is still a woman. I sympathize with the trans persons plight, that they want to be other than the sex they were born, but I have to admit that to me, as to many straight people, that just isn’t possible. I know that this is not what you want to hear, and I’m sorry about that, but I am being honest here, and I hope you can appreciate that. Actually, what I think should not matter, and I hope you live your life however you wish, and more power to you. Wear whatever you like, as I do, do whatever you wish with your own body, as I do, live however you like, as I do, and stuff anyone else’s approval. But… While I do agree that each individuals gender is their own business, when you connect intimately with another, it becomes their business as well, and you should first make sure that they know enough to make an informed decision about if they want to have sex with a trans person or not. That is, if you want to be honest and upfront, and really, if you don’t want to do that, then it’s not going to end well for anyone.

Andy sez: The definition of a straight person is someone who has an strong aversion to having sex with someone of the same gender, however that person or their genitals look. While your birth gender may hold great importance to you, you do not have the right to say if this is important to your partner. I would not necessarily mind to have sex with someone who was concerned about my personal history, but also I would not wish to have sex with that same woman if she decided she knows more about my identity than myself, she is still a bigot. I sympathize with the confused cis person’s plight, that they want the world to be black-and-white, but I have to admit that to me, as to many people, that just isn’t possible. I know that this is not what you want to hear, and I’m sorry about that, but I am being honest here, and I hope you can appreciate that. Actually, what I think should not be the only thing that matters. Wear whatever you like, as I do, do whatever you wish with your own body, as I do, live however you like, as I do, and stuff anyone else’s approval. But… While I do agree that each individuals sex lives are their own business, when you connect intimately with another, it becomes their business as well, and you should first make sure that they know enough to make an informed decision about if they want to have sex with a bigot or not. That is, if you want to be honest and upfront, and really, if you don’t want to do that, then it’s not going to end well for anyone.

What is "Cisgender" Anyway?

Reaction to Breaking down the Cisystem.


“I’ve begun to wonder if anyone is cisgendered in the sense that they really do identified with their assigned gender role?” I think it’s self-selection sometimes that I hang out with a bunch of people who don’t really feel that they identify with their assigned gender role to any strong degree. But while most people respond to me telling them I’m genderqueer with “well I don’t really ‘feel’ my gender, am I GQ too?” (to which I say “I don’t know, are you?”), some respond with “but why can’t you just be proud to be a woman?”

Of course there are more than 2 reactions, but those are the most common, and it’s made me see just how being cis must feel. For some, it’s being so very comfortable in one’s own gender that they don’t even need to be aware of it. I never came close to feeling that way until I started living more authentically. It’s like when you have an itchy tag on your shirt you can’t wait to get rid of, and then when you do you quickly forget it was ever there.

For others, expressing their gender is a form of self-celebration. Love yourself! Express yourself! They tend to feel like the reason I don’t want to express the gender they think I am is because I don’t have “pride” or I’m somehow damaged by society. Again, when I did settle into a more authentic gender expression, I suddenly felt that same sense of self-celebration.

So in my experience, cis people are people who are more likely to have felt those things their entire lives, not just post-transition (or post-adjustment, or whatever you want to call it).

HOTT

Q: Here's a hypothetical scenario. If you got into a relationship with a "women" and you had sex with this "women". A few months later you find out this "women" was not born a women. What would be your reaction?

A: OK, I'll hold back the laughter for long enough to (unfortunately) validate this question with a response:
HOT.
Because anyone I'm in a relationship with and having sex with is HOT, so therefore any aspect of their past that contributed to their present state is also HOT.
Hell, I'll even add an extra T for emphasis on how HOTT the people are to me that I choose to be with.
Also, the "scare quotes" don't emphasize anything but your insecurity.

Genderqueer vs Transgender Struggles

Anonymous asked: So what are some of the differences in oppression that you personally have faced in being genderqueer vs. being transgender but having a binary identity. (sorry if the question is sort of confusing)

Well I haven’t experienced both personally, not ever having been binary trans, but here’s a bit of what I experience:

• I pretty much will never get the option to go “stealth” as my gender, even if I wouldn’t wish to take it. Only men and women get to blend into this binary society as themselves.

• According to the government, I don’t exist; instead they have a record of some woman living as me, and there’s literally no legal recourse for correcting my records.

• People (cis and trans) use me as a “whipping boy” for their own unresolved gender issues. I’m happy to help people who are questioning their own identity, but I don’t appreciate others resolving their identities through challenging mine.

Further reading:  http://www.thetaskforce.org/downloads/release_materials/agendernotlistedhere.pdf  "By examining just a few of the key domains of the study, such as education, health care, employment, and police, it seems clear that gender variant respondents, including those who see their gender as hybrid, fluid, and/or rejecting of the male-female binary, are suffering significant impacts of anti-transgender bias and in some cases are at higher risk for discrimination and violence than their transgender counterparts in the study."