Every time I try to write about my family, I feel at a loss for words. I see friends sharing so many beautiful thoughts and photos of their families, and I love it. I love seeing the vibrant energy that comes from getting to share life with each other, and I'm glad that you're sharing your happiness and your sorrows with me.
I think of how I would share my own, and I'm overwhelmed with so many feelings and memories to choose from. How do I describe that which takes no words to experience? There is no analysis to dissect the soft touch of lips on neck, of nose pressed to nose, no photoset of the hopeful fearful dreaming of the future.
How do I possibly approach the looming spectre of misrepresentation? When the only positive example of nonmonogamy I know to point to is drawn from the mind of a dirty computer one short day ago, how do I possibly avoid the stereotype threat pressing my own free expression back into hiding?
I live my life as a fake person only seen for how closely I can imitate realness. I know that every story, every image, will be scrutinized for which relationship is the real one. Which person is the person I love the most? Which would I sacrifice everything for? Which part of my life should I stop pretending?
And then I think about the richness and fullness of our lives, and how many people I know are struggling for even a fraction of that, and I worry that I would ever cause another person pain of longing or envy.
So I leave things unsaid. The deep abiding commitment, the joy of flourishing affection, the fear that at any moment it could all be taken away. Maybe one day we all will get to be possible.
Showing posts with label queer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label queer. Show all posts
Saturday, April 28, 2018
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Sexual Abuse as the Cis Norm for Sex Education
TW dysphoria and rape
Let's talk about how cis people have sexually abused me my entire life. FUN!
Being raped multiple times wasn't traumatic... so I felt for a while, only I'm now realizing this is an inversion of reality.
Being raped wasn't more traumatic than sex in general, not enough for me to notice a significant difference.
To understand why sex has historically been traumatic for me, we need to first look at what healthy sex looks like:
It requires informed consent and co-determination. I need to be aware of what is happening and have the ability to exercise bodily agency.
I, like many queer and trans folk, was raised to view penis-in-vagina as The Sex, and with zero acknowledgement that dysphoria is possible.
Every single person who had the opportunity to educate me, grossly neglected to de-center PIV or present other options for sex as equal.
The only context my vagina was mentioned was as either a source of magical Jesus powers, or as a source of profound sexual liberation.
It is especially important to note that every cis male partner I've had was actively pushing this repression/liberation sex binary for years.
I was actively taught to view my intense discomfort with vaginal stimulation (even in a loving caring context) as something that's fixable.
I was expected to change. Always me. Never the other person. Never the way society pushed their cis agenda.
Individual partners claimed to respect my desires to avoid certain contact, but would guilt me on how their "needs" were equally valid.
All of the sex-positivity cultural rhetoric was on their side as I was shamed for not being "good, giving, & game".
No one ever suggested even once that my feelings were normal or natural, and that their sexual pressure was the dysfunction.
Fact: informed consent is not possible when cis people have actively obstructed education on trans bodies and queer sex.
Fact: bodily agency and sexual co-determination is not possible in the midst of ongoing gaslighting.
Fact: cis-centered sex education is abusive, and cis people who aren't actively working to dismantle that are complicit in ongoing abuse.
Let's talk about how cis people have sexually abused me my entire life. FUN!
Being raped multiple times wasn't traumatic... so I felt for a while, only I'm now realizing this is an inversion of reality.
Being raped wasn't more traumatic than sex in general, not enough for me to notice a significant difference.
To understand why sex has historically been traumatic for me, we need to first look at what healthy sex looks like:
It requires informed consent and co-determination. I need to be aware of what is happening and have the ability to exercise bodily agency.
I, like many queer and trans folk, was raised to view penis-in-vagina as The Sex, and with zero acknowledgement that dysphoria is possible.
Every single person who had the opportunity to educate me, grossly neglected to de-center PIV or present other options for sex as equal.
The only context my vagina was mentioned was as either a source of magical Jesus powers, or as a source of profound sexual liberation.
It is especially important to note that every cis male partner I've had was actively pushing this repression/liberation sex binary for years.
I was actively taught to view my intense discomfort with vaginal stimulation (even in a loving caring context) as something that's fixable.
I was expected to change. Always me. Never the other person. Never the way society pushed their cis agenda.
Individual partners claimed to respect my desires to avoid certain contact, but would guilt me on how their "needs" were equally valid.
All of the sex-positivity cultural rhetoric was on their side as I was shamed for not being "good, giving, & game".
No one ever suggested even once that my feelings were normal or natural, and that their sexual pressure was the dysfunction.
Fact: informed consent is not possible when cis people have actively obstructed education on trans bodies and queer sex.
Fact: bodily agency and sexual co-determination is not possible in the midst of ongoing gaslighting.
Fact: cis-centered sex education is abusive, and cis people who aren't actively working to dismantle that are complicit in ongoing abuse.
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Attempting to Define Gender, a Case Study
What is the definition of "woman"? When I first saw the essay "Are Lesbians Women?" by Jacob Hale [trans man], it piqued my interest, partly because one of the first objections to my gender when I came out as genderqueer was that if I cannot adequately define "woman", I cannot adequately define myself to be outside of "woman". (One wonders why it would not suggest that, given the allegedly questionable validity of womanhood itself, I could be more easily "allowed" to define myself outside of it, but I digress.)
Pop culturally, trans women are not "real women", but a quick google reveals that cis women can have their "real woman" card revoked as well (though albeit on a somewhat different "no true scotsman" level). "Are Lesbians Women?" attempts to break down the fundamentals of womanhood into a list of what society has generally agreed are the criteria. Jacob Hale is quick to point out that no one single item on the list is "necessary or sufficient", meaning you can generally leave one off and still be included within the category of "woman" by society, but if you can only count one in your favor you are not included. For example: while "identifies as a woman" should be necessary and sufficient for womanhood, society rejects that criterion as such.
1. Absence of a penis
2. Presence of breasts
3. Presence of reproductive organs which allow for pregnancy to occur
4. Presence of estrogen and progesterone in balance with androgens within "normal" range
5. Presence of XX, or perhaps absence of Y, chromosomes
6. Having a gender identity as a woman
7. Having an occupation considered to be acceptable for a woman
8. Engaging in leisure pursuits considered to be acceptable for a woman
9. Engaging in some sort of sexual/affectional relationship with a man who is commonly recognized as heterosexual
10. Achieving and maintaining a physical gender self-presentation the elements of which work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
11. Behaving in ways to produce the gender assignment "woman"
12. Giving textual [documentation] cues that work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
13. Having an unbroken history consistent with the gender assignment "woman"
Notice that, thanks to the work of feminists, some of these categories have been so expanded as to include most people of any gender, particularly #s 7 and 8, and 10 and 11 to a lesser extent. Perhaps that's what my well-meaning friends are saying when they insist that I do not fall outside of sufficient criteria, because to a certain extent I cannot fall outside a criteria which encompasses nearly everything. However, as it stands, I only fully satisfy some of these requirements at this point (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 12), others are satisfied/unsatisfied in different ways at different stages of my life (7, 8, 9, 10, 11), and I definitely do not satisfy a few obvious ones (6, 13). It becomes even more complex when one realizes that #s 1-5 cannot be verified as fact by others without an intimate understanding of my medical history.
What about "lesbian" - can that be a gender identity in its own right independent of woman? (Yes, anything can be a gender identity. And no, claiming your gender identity is "squirrel" doesn't make you cute, it makes you a jerk.) How many criteria of "woman" can one violate and still be "lesbian"? For example, a genderqueer friend satisfies #s 7, 8, 11; partially satisfies 10; and does not satisfy 1-5 or 9. They also answer #6 as "identifies as lesbian" (among other gender labels).
There are many questions yet unanswered: How "woman" is "woman enough"? How many criteria must one meet before one is "real"; how many criteria must one violate before one is "fake"? How do we take into account the different ways different people rank the importance of different criteria? How do we allow for the ways that race, ethnicity, class, religion, sexuality, regional location, etc influence the threshold of each criterion? To whom do we defer authority to answer these and further questions on authentic womanhood, and how do we process dissent? Certainly Jacob Hale was in no position to answer all of these, and certainly I am neither, but that's the way I rather prefer it to be.
Pop culturally, trans women are not "real women", but a quick google reveals that cis women can have their "real woman" card revoked as well (though albeit on a somewhat different "no true scotsman" level). "Are Lesbians Women?" attempts to break down the fundamentals of womanhood into a list of what society has generally agreed are the criteria. Jacob Hale is quick to point out that no one single item on the list is "necessary or sufficient", meaning you can generally leave one off and still be included within the category of "woman" by society, but if you can only count one in your favor you are not included. For example: while "identifies as a woman" should be necessary and sufficient for womanhood, society rejects that criterion as such.
1. Absence of a penis
2. Presence of breasts
3. Presence of reproductive organs which allow for pregnancy to occur
4. Presence of estrogen and progesterone in balance with androgens within "normal" range
5. Presence of XX, or perhaps absence of Y, chromosomes
6. Having a gender identity as a woman
7. Having an occupation considered to be acceptable for a woman
8. Engaging in leisure pursuits considered to be acceptable for a woman
9. Engaging in some sort of sexual/affectional relationship with a man who is commonly recognized as heterosexual
10. Achieving and maintaining a physical gender self-presentation the elements of which work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
11. Behaving in ways to produce the gender assignment "woman"
12. Giving textual [documentation] cues that work together to produce the gender assignment "woman"
13. Having an unbroken history consistent with the gender assignment "woman"
Notice that, thanks to the work of feminists, some of these categories have been so expanded as to include most people of any gender, particularly #s 7 and 8, and 10 and 11 to a lesser extent. Perhaps that's what my well-meaning friends are saying when they insist that I do not fall outside of sufficient criteria, because to a certain extent I cannot fall outside a criteria which encompasses nearly everything. However, as it stands, I only fully satisfy some of these requirements at this point (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 12), others are satisfied/unsatisfied in different ways at different stages of my life (7, 8, 9, 10, 11), and I definitely do not satisfy a few obvious ones (6, 13). It becomes even more complex when one realizes that #s 1-5 cannot be verified as fact by others without an intimate understanding of my medical history.
What about "lesbian" - can that be a gender identity in its own right independent of woman? (Yes, anything can be a gender identity. And no, claiming your gender identity is "squirrel" doesn't make you cute, it makes you a jerk.) How many criteria of "woman" can one violate and still be "lesbian"? For example, a genderqueer friend satisfies #s 7, 8, 11; partially satisfies 10; and does not satisfy 1-5 or 9. They also answer #6 as "identifies as lesbian" (among other gender labels).
There are many questions yet unanswered: How "woman" is "woman enough"? How many criteria must one meet before one is "real"; how many criteria must one violate before one is "fake"? How do we take into account the different ways different people rank the importance of different criteria? How do we allow for the ways that race, ethnicity, class, religion, sexuality, regional location, etc influence the threshold of each criterion? To whom do we defer authority to answer these and further questions on authentic womanhood, and how do we process dissent? Certainly Jacob Hale was in no position to answer all of these, and certainly I am neither, but that's the way I rather prefer it to be.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 20: Charlie
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was sitting at the lunch table during the last day of freshman year and my best friend was practicing for her Spanish final. She was trying to name every single one of my friends and things they like (think "This is my friend Emma. She likes drawing and jumping on trampolines"). When she came down the line to me, she said "This is my friend Jeanna. Insert-Spanish-Gender-Neutral-Pronoun-Here likes writing and reading."
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I was at the store with my grandmother and we were shopping for clothes. She kept saying things like "We should get you more clothes that show your boobs" and "No, don't get that, it makes you look like a queer". Eventually, I had to get underwear, and she threw a fit when I wandered over to the boys aisle. I ended up having to leave the store for a good hour before I could come back and face her, explaining my identity to her. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Bathrooms where you don't have to pick whether you're a boy or a girl, and some sort of advertising campaign that lets people know that we aren't crazy, hormone ridden teenagers. We're people, and we're hurting. And sometimes, they are responsible for it.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Charlie, 14, Genderfluid, White
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
I was sitting at the lunch table during the last day of freshman year and my best friend was practicing for her Spanish final. She was trying to name every single one of my friends and things they like (think "This is my friend Emma. She likes drawing and jumping on trampolines"). When she came down the line to me, she said "This is my friend Jeanna. Insert-Spanish-Gender-Neutral-Pronoun-Here likes writing and reading."
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I was at the store with my grandmother and we were shopping for clothes. She kept saying things like "We should get you more clothes that show your boobs" and "No, don't get that, it makes you look like a queer". Eventually, I had to get underwear, and she threw a fit when I wandered over to the boys aisle. I ended up having to leave the store for a good hour before I could come back and face her, explaining my identity to her. She hasn't spoken to me since.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Bathrooms where you don't have to pick whether you're a boy or a girl, and some sort of advertising campaign that lets people know that we aren't crazy, hormone ridden teenagers. We're people, and we're hurting. And sometimes, they are responsible for it.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Charlie, 14, Genderfluid, White
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 17: Sal
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
When me and my closest friend dressed up for no reason and drove around town. I wore a suit and no one questioned me. It was one of the best feelings.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
When I got to family gatherings where all of my older relatives will be I have to wear a dress and not talk about my girlfriend and all my queer friends.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Include an "other" gender option on official forums and have more gender neutral bathrooms in public places.n.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Sal, 19, Pangender, California, White
Survey responses shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
When me and my closest friend dressed up for no reason and drove around town. I wore a suit and no one questioned me. It was one of the best feelings.
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
When I got to family gatherings where all of my older relatives will be I have to wear a dress and not talk about my girlfriend and all my queer friends.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Include an "other" gender option on official forums and have more gender neutral bathrooms in public places.n.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Sal, 19, Pangender, California, White
Survey responses shared with permission.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Humanizing Genderqueer 7
Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
There's not a lot to draw from here. I guess the closest thing to a win I can claim is the day I finally felt comfortable admitting to myself who and what I am. I didn't have a term for the lack of a mental gender, but even acknowledging that in and of itself was freeing. I knew, and finally could say openly, that I didn't identify by gender and that I didn't like or dislike others for their gender. It was incredibly freeing to look around and think, "I'm human. That's all I ever have to be. That's all anyone ever has to be."
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I grew up in a really strict household, gender- and sexuality-wise. You were what you were born with (not even allowed to shorten your name or take a nickname), and you would burn in hell for all eternity if you even dared think about someone of your birth gender. For me, that was always a problem because I never felt like I had a gender. My parents treated me like I was the most despicable child they'd ever seen because I didn't fit what they felt a good Christian child should be. I tried for many years to fit into what they wanted, but I could never give up on who I am. I got into a lot of arguments with my stepmother because she felt I was deliberately doing it to spite them. Their carefully crafted facade of us being the perfect family tended to crumble when I was around, and they hated that. There were several years of "therapy" where the (not even certified) therapist would tell me I was a horrible child and that I needed to be better for my parents.
It didn't get much better when I got out of the house. I took a year to just reevaluate who I was and what I believed, because I knew that what I had pounded into my head wasn't it. I had to make a lot of apologies to a lot of people I'd put down in a failed effort to gain my family's approval. It took me another year and a half before I could admit to myself that I liked people regardless of what gender they were and that I really didn't notice or care most of the time anyway.
I've never had anyone take me seriously when I try to talk about it. They all just assume I'm a tomboy and leave it at that. While it helps me avoid some of the nastier things that can happen to us, it can be really frustrating to never be believed. We don't get to pick our bodies. I don't choose to be female. I don't want to be male. I'm human. That's all I've ever considered myself to be.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Bigotry isn't something you're born with, and nothing scares people more than the unknown. Don't teach children to think in terms of gender binary or to judge those who don't conform to it. Educate yourselves in what it means and what changes, and acknowledge that despite those changes we're still fundamentally the same as anyone else.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Human
Survey results shared with permission.
Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.
There's not a lot to draw from here. I guess the closest thing to a win I can claim is the day I finally felt comfortable admitting to myself who and what I am. I didn't have a term for the lack of a mental gender, but even acknowledging that in and of itself was freeing. I knew, and finally could say openly, that I didn't identify by gender and that I didn't like or dislike others for their gender. It was incredibly freeing to look around and think, "I'm human. That's all I ever have to be. That's all anyone ever has to be."
Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.
I grew up in a really strict household, gender- and sexuality-wise. You were what you were born with (not even allowed to shorten your name or take a nickname), and you would burn in hell for all eternity if you even dared think about someone of your birth gender. For me, that was always a problem because I never felt like I had a gender. My parents treated me like I was the most despicable child they'd ever seen because I didn't fit what they felt a good Christian child should be. I tried for many years to fit into what they wanted, but I could never give up on who I am. I got into a lot of arguments with my stepmother because she felt I was deliberately doing it to spite them. Their carefully crafted facade of us being the perfect family tended to crumble when I was around, and they hated that. There were several years of "therapy" where the (not even certified) therapist would tell me I was a horrible child and that I needed to be better for my parents.
It didn't get much better when I got out of the house. I took a year to just reevaluate who I was and what I believed, because I knew that what I had pounded into my head wasn't it. I had to make a lot of apologies to a lot of people I'd put down in a failed effort to gain my family's approval. It took me another year and a half before I could admit to myself that I liked people regardless of what gender they were and that I really didn't notice or care most of the time anyway.
I've never had anyone take me seriously when I try to talk about it. They all just assume I'm a tomboy and leave it at that. While it helps me avoid some of the nastier things that can happen to us, it can be really frustrating to never be believed. We don't get to pick our bodies. I don't choose to be female. I don't want to be male. I'm human. That's all I've ever considered myself to be.
Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.
Bigotry isn't something you're born with, and nothing scares people more than the unknown. Don't teach children to think in terms of gender binary or to judge those who don't conform to it. Educate yourselves in what it means and what changes, and acknowledge that despite those changes we're still fundamentally the same as anyone else.
How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.
Human
Survey results shared with permission.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Men and Women Can't Be "Just Friends": Scientific American
And here we have a prime example of the deep psychological damage that can be caused by cisheterosexuality. They claim to be "born this way" and that it's "natural", but the true cost of their lifestyle choices lies in their inability to function optimally in normal intergender friendships. Having identified with a sexuality as their primary identity, they are unable to keep their obsessive thoughts from perverting their daily social interactions, and misguidedly seek relief by segregating into sociopathic same-gender-only subcultures. Let us be on our guard against this insidious Straight Agenda.
/satire
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Gratuitous NPH
 |
| Fixed it for you. |
Also, that's NPH on the left.
You do know who he is, right?
Guize?
Srsly guize:
SRSLY:
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Question: Andy, are you a card-holding homosexual?
Because I have a legitimate question for someone with a better grasp on how homosexuals classify or define homosexuality...and this is after I was (no kidding) in "the gay dorm" in college. It was in a themed college in Northern California - and the dorms were all themed too...and our dorm was the "gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, Jewish" dorm.
So, how do homosexuals account for or classify people that have the urge to experiment and *like* it, but are "primarily straight"? There's no great way to ask this question - and believe me, I'm one of the most LGBTQIA-friendly folk, but I still don't know if all homosexuals are literally "born that way", but I'm curious to know what someone of that orientation feels. Also, and slightly related, Is there any talk about (or truth to) the idea of a kid's sexuality being "rewired" after some form of abuse? I don't know if that's still something people say, or if that was one of those things conservatives said to dismiss homosexuality as a "problem to be fixed."
Anyway Andy, I appreciate you answering any of that - and if it didn't make sense, I'm typing from my iPhone, so I literally don't know how to scroll up and re-read what I wrote without losing it.
The classification of people into identity groups based on their sexual orientations is a recent development in human history as a necessary step toward political organization for rights. It isn't, however, necessarily based on what's most useful for people to relate to themselves. The "lifestyle choice vs born this way" debate, then, is also based from that perspective.
What we know about human behavior in all areas is that it's far more complicated than that. It is useful in certain circumstances to help someone understand "I am not choosing to go to hell, I'm a normal healthy part of the human experience" as a way for them to come to terms with being themselves in a world that hates them. But I will point out that the problem is entirely external - if people would stop being haters, nobody would need to find a "justification" in genetic determinism.
But if someone were born one way, and then experienced a traumatic event (abuse or brain injury or whatever) and became a different way, how then would we come to the conclusion that there is even a problem to be fixed? Because its origins are something distasteful to us? That doesn't lead us to want to cure Spiderman. Of course not, Spiderman is cool, and even a traumatic origin story doesn't mean the end result isn't amazing. That's how it is with being queer. I'm baffled that people out there would suggest I waste countless hours trying to undo a part of myself that to me is a good thing.
Then we come to the heart of your question: what if we could chose? Granted, that's still looking at it too simply. There are no such things as "free choices", because every choice comes with a baggage of all sorts of good or bad consequences. We tend to focus on physical responses in our society: the physical response of being sexually attracted, sexually indifferent, or sexually repulsed by a particular body. But that's not the only aspect of human sexuality that is significant in defining our choices and experiences. Personality is another: you know those people you just love being around, who make any activity more fun than if you had done it alone. Why not sex? Why not experimentation?
Well, it could be awkward. And there lies the heart of the matter. Awkward because society has wired us to feel that way. And sometimes people hear social training as something that you can just "choose" to undo. And maybe you can, and maybe you can't. Again, that depends on the baggage of that choice's consequences. (Go ahead, try to "choose" to walk down the street stark naked in front of an elementary school building, see what sorts of psychological and social trauma you might manage to escape.) It's what is known philosophically as "compulsory heterosexuality" (this is where you have fun Googling, hint hint).
I'm pansexual. That means I don't experience attraction along the linear scale ranging from homosexual-bisexual-heterosexual. It's more like wibbly wobbly sexy wexy feelings all around. That means, I absolutely can have a choice in who I am attracted to and who I am not. Granted, my choice isn't always the final say in the matter, there are some things I'm genuinely repulsed by (independent of gender or genitalia). I might have difficulty getting it on with someone who is a real jerk, or who thinks they're a psychic vampire, or who is covered in weird pimples, for example. I am definitely into people who are smart and funny in a pleasant disarming way, and who care about me as a person. But damn, 7 billion people on the planet? Of course I'm making some choices.
tl;dr - You might be labeled "bicurious" or "heteroflexible". If that sort of thing even matters.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Can a Trans Person Turn You Gay? or What Is "Straight" Anyway?
Tina sez: The definition of a straight person is someone who has an strong aversion to having sex with someone of the same gender, however that person or their genitals look. While your birth gender may not hold any importance to you, you do not have the right to say if this is important to your partner. I would not wish to have sex with another woman, but also I would not wish to have sex with that same woman if she had a doctor put her on male hormones and construct her a penis etc, to me, she is still a woman. I sympathize with the trans persons plight, that they want to be other than the sex they were born, but I have to admit that to me, as to many straight people, that just isn’t possible. I know that this is not what you want to hear, and I’m sorry about that, but I am being honest here, and I hope you can appreciate that. Actually, what I think should not matter, and I hope you live your life however you wish, and more power to you. Wear whatever you like, as I do, do whatever you wish with your own body, as I do, live however you like, as I do, and stuff anyone else’s approval. But… While I do agree that each individuals gender is their own business, when you connect intimately with another, it becomes their business as well, and you should first make sure that they know enough to make an informed decision about if they want to have sex with a trans person or not. That is, if you want to be honest and upfront, and really, if you don’t want to do that, then it’s not going to end well for anyone.
Andy sez: The definition of a straight person is someone who has an strong aversion to having sex with someone of the same gender, however that person or their genitals look. While your birth gender may hold great importance to you, you do not have the right to say if this is important to your partner. I would not necessarily mind to have sex with someone who was concerned about my personal history, but also I would not wish to have sex with that same woman if she decided she knows more about my identity than myself, she is still a bigot. I sympathize with the confused cis person’s plight, that they want the world to be black-and-white, but I have to admit that to me, as to many people, that just isn’t possible. I know that this is not what you want to hear, and I’m sorry about that, but I am being honest here, and I hope you can appreciate that. Actually, what I think should not be the only thing that matters. Wear whatever you like, as I do, do whatever you wish with your own body, as I do, live however you like, as I do, and stuff anyone else’s approval. But… While I do agree that each individuals sex lives are their own business, when you connect intimately with another, it becomes their business as well, and you should first make sure that they know enough to make an informed decision about if they want to have sex with a bigot or not. That is, if you want to be honest and upfront, and really, if you don’t want to do that, then it’s not going to end well for anyone.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Dear Straight People:
I get that you really care about marriage equality. But if the only reason you’re not getting married is because “The Gays” can’t, please, just get married.
If you don’t really need marriage, how are we supposed to make the case that we really need it? If your (lack of) marriage holds sway over the institution of marriage, how are we supposed to say that our (lack of) marriage doesn’t?
So yeah, don’t get married. Or do. Whatever. But don’t blame it on us.
Hugs!
The Nerd
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
On trans women holding “residual male privilege”.
“Asking or expecting individual trans women or all trans women as a group to agree to participate in discrimination against themselves (or agree that what they experience as discrimination actually isn’t), is not a reasonable request, and one which can never in practice be satisfied.”
http://www.feministe.us/blog/archives/2008/02/06/reconsidering-women-born-women-space/
This is an issue shared by all gender minorities, and all minorities really. I can’t count how many times I’ve been asked, as a uterus-bearer, to agree with some dude that women really hold all the power because women give birth. Or been expected as a white person to agree that affirmative action gives people of color an unfair advantage (as opposed to, you know, having been born with white skin). Or been told if I’d only “act straight” then I’d be deserving of rights.
So I look around me and I see that cis men rule the world (or men who are assumed to be cis, anyway). And then trans women (or even all trans people) are asked to agree that they really hold power over cis women, or that they want a special unfair advantage, or that they need to “act cis”.
This is complete BS. I refuse to appease privilege. I have a personal zero-tolerance policy for bigotry. I will never say “gee, you have a point, trans women do act mannish”, the very insult so commonly hurled at cis lesbians and cis feminists to silence them.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Dear Supporter of Marriage Equality:
First of all, thank you for caring! I'm glad that you don't need to be a QUILTBAG person yourself in order to take a stand for what is right. I do, however, have one piece of advice:
Don't postpone your marriage to make yourself a better straight ally.
Now, I don't know you personally, so I don't mean to presume your particular motivation for your actions. But perhaps you happen to share a few common sentiments with others I know who are able to legally marry their partners but are holding off on it because same-sex marriage is still not legal in their region, in which case I appreciate you listening to what I have to say.
First, consider that you're undermining a very important tenant of marriage equality: that "gay marriage has nothing to do with the success of your straight marriage". The most recent example I have is Jay Leno telling Michelle Bachmann that he's been married 31 years, and can't think of a single way that some other person's ability to marry could harm his own marriage. So now I ask you to consider the correlary to that situation: how does your not being straight married help me get gay married? Answer: it doesn't. Unless you consider it to be a form of public attention-raising. In which case...
You can raise awareness no matter what your own personal marital status happens to be. It doesn't take a piece of paper in the pocket to attend pro-marriage rallies, to write letters to congress people, or to donate money to non-profit organizations. Besides, it's just as easy to stand up and say "we're a straight married couple who believe that every gay couple should be entitled to the same rights as us!" as it is to say "we're a straight couple who refuse to marry until all gay partners are able to marry!" Either way, your support of marriage equality is much appreciated, and we hope you keep it up.
This brings me to a third thought. Again, I don't presume to know your personal life, but I have spoken with a few straight couples who feel guilty about their marital status. They feel like they're somehow flaunting their privilege by taking advantage of the superior rights offered to their partnership. They may even feel like gay couples resent their marriage. There are many ways to deal with feelings of guilt, and I can offer one possible solution:
Take all the money you save by being legally married vs cohabiting (or what have you), and donate it to the marriage equality organization of your choice. Any time you would have otherwise had to get a power of attorney, donate that money to charity. Every time you file your taxes jointly, also calculate the rate it would be if you both filed single, and donate the difference. With all that money you save by being on the same health insurance, set up a monthly deposit to your local LGBT center. Bet you never thought of getting married as a fundraiser before! Heck, you could even take a collection for donations at your wedding and at any anniversary celebrations you may hold.
I know there are many reasons people choose to marry or not to marry. I've been married, and now I'm with someone I'm not married to, though we have the legal right if we so choose. Life is complicated that way. But if the only reason you are holding out on marriage is for us QUILTBAG folk, I hope I've given you a bit more to weigh in on your decision.
P.S. If you're one of those people who are using the whole "I don't want to get married till the gays can" card as an excuse to get out of a marriage you wouldn't even want in the first place, you're a turd.
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