Humanizing Genderqueer 10: Badger

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I was having a conversation with a close friend about struggling with gender identity, expectations and presentations. Pronouns were a strong feature of our discussion. I explained, as best I could, that I didn't feel like I sat comfortably as male or female and I was trying to find myself a series of pronouns that worked for me. We spent time researching the history of pronouns and found that 'se' (pronounced like the letter C) which formerly was a pronoun for women, but eventually became 'she' in modern English. My friend pointed out, in addition to it being representative of my history as a woman, it also included a slight pun ("Society has options A and B, and you chose C!").

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

Coming from a conservative family, my gender presentation is frequently highlighted and called out. I knew, even when just entering high school, I wanted to wear a tux for my senior prom. My mother, despite two years of foreknowledge, was adamantly opposed to the idea and eventually managed to smother it. While the dress I ended up wearing was of my own choosing, the fact still remains that she deliberately and aggressively pushed against my wishes.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Amplify our voices. Listen to us. Pay attention when we say something pertaining to our community. Be willing to be wrong.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Badger, 18, Texas

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 7

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

There's not a lot to draw from here.  I guess the closest thing to a win I can claim is the day I finally felt comfortable admitting to myself who and what I am.  I didn't have a term for the lack of a mental gender, but even acknowledging that in and of itself was freeing.  I knew, and finally could say openly, that I didn't identify by gender and that I didn't like or dislike others for their gender.  It was incredibly freeing to look around and think, "I'm human.  That's all I ever have to be.  That's all anyone ever has to be."

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I grew up in a really strict household, gender- and sexuality-wise.  You were what you were born with (not even allowed to shorten your name or take a nickname), and you would burn in hell for all eternity if you even dared think about someone of your birth gender.  For me, that was always a problem because I never felt like I had a gender.  My parents treated me like I was the most despicable child they'd ever seen because I didn't fit what they felt a good Christian child should be.  I tried for many years to fit into what they wanted, but I could never give up on who I am.  I got into a lot of arguments with my stepmother because she felt I was deliberately doing it to spite them.  Their carefully crafted facade of us being the perfect family tended to crumble when I was around, and they hated that.  There were several years of "therapy" where the (not even certified) therapist would tell me I was a horrible child and that I needed to be better for my parents.

It didn't get much better when I got out of the house.  I took a year to just reevaluate who I was and what I believed, because I knew that what I had pounded into my head wasn't it.  I had to make a lot of apologies to a lot of people I'd put down in a failed effort to gain my family's approval.  It took me another year and a half before I could admit to myself that I liked people regardless of what gender they were and that I really didn't notice or care most of the time anyway.

I've never had anyone take me seriously when I try to talk about it.  They all just assume I'm a tomboy and leave it at that.  While it helps me avoid some of the nastier things that can happen to us, it can be really frustrating to never be believed.  We don't get to pick our bodies.  I don't choose to be female.  I don't want to be male.  I'm human.  That's all I've ever considered myself to be.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Bigotry isn't something you're born with, and nothing scares people more than the unknown.  Don't teach children to think in terms of gender binary or to judge those who don't conform to it.  Educate yourselves in what it means and what changes, and acknowledge that despite those changes we're still fundamentally the same as anyone else.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Human

Survey results shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 1: Andy

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people


I'm going to be giving a talk to the Ethical Society of St Louis about genderqueer issues. I'm asking genderqueer people to share our experiences with the humanist community, and I figured I might as well start with myself!


Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I am fortunate to have many, but the most recent was last weekend at my friends Laura and Dustin's wedding. I loved being around so many of the people I care about, meeting new people, them all accepting me. Got a lot of compliments about the bow tie, and even some on my dancing. Lulz, little do they know, I can't dance, I merely am able to flail about in time with the music.

I think one the the most heart-warming gender moments was when I explained to my son about who I am, and he got so excited and told me how cool that is. He "gets it" way more than most other people I know - almost never forgets my prefered gender-neutral parental title, and immediately corrects himself if he does. He also is comfortable with the right for people to self-identify rather than falling back on an ideological gender essentialism. He's also 6, so that might have a lot to do with it. :D


Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

Well... there really isn't any space to be genderqueer in the insurance world. There just isn't. I'm there for my functional utility and to be likeable. I need to be what customers want me to be, or it makes the agency look bad, and making the agency look bad makes my bosses look bad, and making my bosses look bad makes my position less secure. This is not unique to me either. Many (if not most) genderqueer people have employment dilemmas such as mine.


Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

I think the humanist community could focus on gender equality beyond simply women's liberation. This isn't to say placing one struggle over the other, but to say that all gender rights are intertwined. That feminism is incomplete without transgender activism, and vice versa. That gender equality isn't just about creating two equal genders, but also creating the freedom for people to choose all genders equally.


How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Andy, 26, genderqueer, St Louis, white, humanist, Whovian.

Breeding Atheists

Someone on the internet suggested that some atheists stay home from the Reason Rally in case “something” happened, that way there’d be plenty of us left to breed more.  Turns out, Poe’s Law, he didn’t mean it.

But people say that all the time and do mean it, and they’re simply wrong.  While home life and childhood culture can heavily influence a person’s religious choices, there is no atheist gene.  A lot of the atheists I know were raised in a religion.  Many Christians claim they used to be atheists (or at least were non-believing Christians or something).

Moral of the story: there is no obligation to breed when conversion (plus the overpopulation of the planet) is going strong.  It is actually offensive to suggest that women ought to be atheist-factories in a world where Christian and Muslim women are being forced to be religious-warrior-factories.  Cut it out.

Anonymous asked: While agreeing with the points made in "Breeding Atheists", I do have one gripe re the unstated assumption that atheist parents will, and *should*, necessarily have atheist children. No. Atheist parents should raise children that think critically. I have confidence that such children will turn out atheist, but there is no guarantee. An atheist parent should be more pround of a critically minded child that decided that Christianity makes more sense, than an unthinking atheist.

I don’t think that raising someone to be atheist is sustainable. I think raising someone to ask questions and to self-educate is preferable.  When I was a [christian] child, I was punished for asking the “wrong” questions or for reading the “wrong” things.  That didn’t stop me from doing it, though. I just got better at not getting caught.  By the time I became an adult, I had a pile of books I finally could get to read in peace, and I discovered to my dismay that the Harry Potter series were rather tame and that Dungeons and Dragons did not give me any ability or interest to cast magic spells.  Kinda like how studying the Bible after all those years didn’t give me any ability throw a mountain into the sea or heal the sick in the name of Jesus.  So yeah, nobody has to be raised atheist.  We just need to foster an environment for everybody that encourages asking questions and learning new things.

The Crime of Being Female in Public

To some, it doesn’t matter what you do: once you are charged with being a female* in public, you can’t win.  Take this article and the following comments about Angelina Jolie and two of her children going to the movies - let’s see how the kyriarchy responds to that seemingly innocent act:

• Treating motherhood as a public spectacle.
• Putting a young girl’s body up for public vote.
• Expecting females at all ages to express the proper amount of femininity (while playing a shell game with that that actually looks like) and either:

1.  Pitying one for not expressing enough femininity, or
2. Shaming one for expressing too much femininity.

And the fact that people can find these things “cute” is a symptom of how sick society really is.

*This post seeks to analyze the way the public treats those who are presumed female girls, and makes no speculation as to the actual gender identity of these children