This blog post was written to fulfill an assignment for the course Creativity & Community.
A classmate's creative blog post reminded me of this question I have been asked fortunately rarely, but unfortunately a non-zero number of times, by people who do not need to know. The succinct answer is "how do I not have sex, amirite!" 😀
The reality is there is no good answer to this question. The person asking has already brought the awkwardness level to 11, at that point I'm already playing a messy clean-up game. I could get embarrassed and feel shamed about all the fake sex I'm apparently having. I could drop everything and whip out the charts and diagrams to prove we trans folk can have real sex too. Or I could laugh at you. Quite frankly, life is too short and I enjoy laughter, so that's probably the option I'm going to go with. 😁
My mother has a sort of underlying anxiety about who I partner myself with, seeing as I'm bisexual and might bring home the wrong set of genitals on accident...? So when I first told her about my current girlfriend, she asked me what gender they are "in their pants". I told her she needs to go find her own genderqueer person to flirt with, November is mine*. 😂
There are circumstances under which it is actually acceptable to ask me how I have sex. Are we friends who are already comfortable talking about general sex stuff together? Are we intending to have sex together, and we actually need to work out the details? Are you yourself transgender and looking for general advice that is unfortunately rather scarce on the internet? Then yes, go ahead and ask if my sexual techniques are something I'd be comfortable discussing with you. 😇
Honestly, I kind of feel sorry for the person asking out of a clear disbelief that there is more than one way to do the sexy times. I kind of want to sit with them a while and hold their hand and say "you poor dear, I know the tunnel seems long and dark, but there is a light at the end, and we can find it together." But maybe that's what this is all about after all: maybe cis people are trying to steal our superior sexy trans moves from us. Well you can't have them! They're ours!! All ours!!! ...Sigh, I guess I'll share, but only if you ask nicely. 😘
*We're not monogamous, but my mother is.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Thursday, January 21, 2016
Creeps in Your Restroom!
This blog post was written to fulfill an assignment for the course Creativity & Community.
There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender. Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us. If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons (I don't), what could you do about this situation? If your answer is to outlaw transgender people... you just might be Indiana Republican state Sen. Jim Tomes.
In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom. So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms (yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice) do we suddenly need laws to segregate and outlaw us? Honestly, it's for the money. This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice. I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here - they use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.
Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe. Assault is already illegal, and people still regularly assault trans folks anyway. We cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation. I mean that in the fullest sense. We cannot be safe in a society that demands separate yet equal restrooms. Racial segregation dates back to 1849; separate gendered restrooms came later, in 1887. Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.
P.S. I figured out how to find the single-user restrooms on campus. It's a solution - inadequate on a societal level, but it's the solution available to me right here right now, so I'll take it.
There is a chance that any time you or your loved ones enters a public restroom, that they could be sharing it with a sex offender. Child molesters, voyeurs/exhibitionists, date rapists - these are all people who buy the same groceries as us, eat at the same restaurants as us, and fill up at the same gas stations as us. If you were the type to be concerned about safety in public restrooms, and believed that legislation were an effective tool to protect restroom patrons (I don't), what could you do about this situation? If your answer is to outlaw transgender people... you just might be Indiana Republican state Sen. Jim Tomes.
What about the other sector of society of people that who have all through the decades women been using women’s restrooms and men been using men’s restrooms and kind of like that and kind of expect that level of privacy? Has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?Forget people who are actually tried-and-convicted sex offenders; the real danger has been me all along! Nevermind that if there really were an epidemic of cross-dressing predators peeping under bathroom stalls, Fox News would be plastering their mug shots all over the scare pieces in a never-ending parade of shame. But the real stories of abuse and violence against peaceful transgender folks in public spaces get pushed to the back pages of news websites.
In many states, there has never been a law explicitly against using the "wrong" restroom. So why after over 100 years of trans people in multi-user public restrooms (yes, we've always been using them, even if you didn't notice) do we suddenly need laws to segregate and outlaw us? Honestly, it's for the money. This is a great way to scare people into donating money to the political campaign or advocacy organization of their choice. I'm including pro-LGBT orgs here - they use fear tactics to profit from our situation too.
Even if laws were passed explicitly to protect people like me, we still wouldn't be safe. Assault is already illegal, and people still regularly assault trans folks anyway. We cannot be safe in a society that demands segregation. I mean that in the fullest sense. We cannot be safe in a society that demands separate yet equal restrooms. Racial segregation dates back to 1849; separate gendered restrooms came later, in 1887. Segregated restrooms have always been racist as well as sexist, and as such will always be unsafe.
P.S. I figured out how to find the single-user restrooms on campus. It's a solution - inadequate on a societal level, but it's the solution available to me right here right now, so I'll take it.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
Rap is Creativity; Rap is Community
This blog post was written to fulfill an assignment for my college course Creativity & Community.
October of 2014, Ferguson October, we gathered in the lawn across from the courthouse, the place infamous for denying Dred Scott his personhood under the law. We are rallying together to mourn what is lost and to build strength for what is possible.
Chants of protesters and activists have frequently been borrowed from rap, and vice versa. "No justice, no peace!" we shout. Then the artists go to their studios and create lyrics that expand their message.
Similarly, people on the streets draw from popular songs for their chants, such as when protesters reminded each other “We gon’ be alright.”
Rap has always been a way to create community space and convey narratives of shared experiences. I'll leave the details to the experts, but here are a few more examples I highly recommend you experience:
October of 2014, Ferguson October, we gathered in the lawn across from the courthouse, the place infamous for denying Dred Scott his personhood under the law. We are rallying together to mourn what is lost and to build strength for what is possible.
 |
| Kiener Plaza, St Louis, MO |
The crowd gets a little more energized. Some people start rapping along. I listen along for a while, then I look around me and observe the physical space we are occupying, and recognize this space as a product of the music.
Woop-woop, that's the sound of da police
Woop-woop, that's the sound of da beast
You need a little clarity, check the similarityThe lyrics are clever, the WHOOP is catchy. KRS-One is taking his experiences and those of his community, and creating a work of art to share with them. Then, by replaying this work at the rally, the community is creating physical space for themselves.
The overseer rode around the plantation
The officer is off, patrolling all the nation
The overseer could stop you what you're doing
The officer will pull you over just when he's pursuing
The police them have a little gunThe physical boundaries of this community space has been delineated by the audible range of the lyrics. Anyone within the space who can hear it will be confronted with its charged message - those who identify with it can stay and share their common values with others, and those who find it hostile to themselves can tolerate their awkward outsider status or leave.
So when I'm on the streets, I walk around with a bigger one
KRS One - Sound of Da Police
Chants of protesters and activists have frequently been borrowed from rap, and vice versa. "No justice, no peace!" we shout. Then the artists go to their studios and create lyrics that expand their message.
Warrior Minded feat. Dramatik - No Justice, No Peace
Similarly, people on the streets draw from popular songs for their chants, such as when protesters reminded each other “We gon’ be alright.”
Protesters Chanting Lyrics
Kendrick Lamar - Alright
Rap has always been a way to create community space and convey narratives of shared experiences. I'll leave the details to the experts, but here are a few more examples I highly recommend you experience:
Queen Latifah, Yo-Yo, Lisa 'Left Eye' Lopes (of TLC), MC Lyte, Patra, Nefertiti, Da 5 Footaz, Salt-N-Pepa, Meshell Ndegeocello and others... the song was a tribute to women of the past like Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Rosa Parks, Coretta Scott King, Shirley Chisholm, and Angela Davis who played major roles in black resistance, as well as the empowerment of women of the present.
Beyoncé - Ghost
Thoughts on capitalism being at odds with creativity.
Miss Bolivia ft. Rebeca Lane & Ali Gua Gua – Libre Atrevida y Loca
Featuring femmes of all sorts of gender expressions and filmed in Argentina, Guatemala, and Mexico (where Miss Bolivia, Lane, and Ali Gua Gua are from, respectively) .
Angel Haze - Same Love (remix of Macklemore & Ryan Lewis)
The only version of this song anyone ever needs to hear.
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Sexual Abuse as the Cis Norm for Sex Education
TW dysphoria and rape
Let's talk about how cis people have sexually abused me my entire life. FUN!
Being raped multiple times wasn't traumatic... so I felt for a while, only I'm now realizing this is an inversion of reality.
Being raped wasn't more traumatic than sex in general, not enough for me to notice a significant difference.
To understand why sex has historically been traumatic for me, we need to first look at what healthy sex looks like:
It requires informed consent and co-determination. I need to be aware of what is happening and have the ability to exercise bodily agency.
I, like many queer and trans folk, was raised to view penis-in-vagina as The Sex, and with zero acknowledgement that dysphoria is possible.
Every single person who had the opportunity to educate me, grossly neglected to de-center PIV or present other options for sex as equal.
The only context my vagina was mentioned was as either a source of magical Jesus powers, or as a source of profound sexual liberation.
It is especially important to note that every cis male partner I've had was actively pushing this repression/liberation sex binary for years.
I was actively taught to view my intense discomfort with vaginal stimulation (even in a loving caring context) as something that's fixable.
I was expected to change. Always me. Never the other person. Never the way society pushed their cis agenda.
Individual partners claimed to respect my desires to avoid certain contact, but would guilt me on how their "needs" were equally valid.
All of the sex-positivity cultural rhetoric was on their side as I was shamed for not being "good, giving, & game".
No one ever suggested even once that my feelings were normal or natural, and that their sexual pressure was the dysfunction.
Fact: informed consent is not possible when cis people have actively obstructed education on trans bodies and queer sex.
Fact: bodily agency and sexual co-determination is not possible in the midst of ongoing gaslighting.
Fact: cis-centered sex education is abusive, and cis people who aren't actively working to dismantle that are complicit in ongoing abuse.
Let's talk about how cis people have sexually abused me my entire life. FUN!
Being raped multiple times wasn't traumatic... so I felt for a while, only I'm now realizing this is an inversion of reality.
Being raped wasn't more traumatic than sex in general, not enough for me to notice a significant difference.
To understand why sex has historically been traumatic for me, we need to first look at what healthy sex looks like:
It requires informed consent and co-determination. I need to be aware of what is happening and have the ability to exercise bodily agency.
I, like many queer and trans folk, was raised to view penis-in-vagina as The Sex, and with zero acknowledgement that dysphoria is possible.
Every single person who had the opportunity to educate me, grossly neglected to de-center PIV or present other options for sex as equal.
The only context my vagina was mentioned was as either a source of magical Jesus powers, or as a source of profound sexual liberation.
It is especially important to note that every cis male partner I've had was actively pushing this repression/liberation sex binary for years.
I was actively taught to view my intense discomfort with vaginal stimulation (even in a loving caring context) as something that's fixable.
I was expected to change. Always me. Never the other person. Never the way society pushed their cis agenda.
Individual partners claimed to respect my desires to avoid certain contact, but would guilt me on how their "needs" were equally valid.
All of the sex-positivity cultural rhetoric was on their side as I was shamed for not being "good, giving, & game".
No one ever suggested even once that my feelings were normal or natural, and that their sexual pressure was the dysfunction.
Fact: informed consent is not possible when cis people have actively obstructed education on trans bodies and queer sex.
Fact: bodily agency and sexual co-determination is not possible in the midst of ongoing gaslighting.
Fact: cis-centered sex education is abusive, and cis people who aren't actively working to dismantle that are complicit in ongoing abuse.
Saturday, June 6, 2015
On the Not-Getting-It-ness of the "Socialized As" Objection
Thinking about "socialized as" narratives, and how they're often created by and/or twisted into the cis agenda. Even non-TERFs seem to have this idea that our sense of ourselves and our place in society is based on behavioral conditioning specific to the gender our parents/teachers/friends assumed we were. This can look like a lot of things, but Ember Assington and I had a chat about a specific example of childhood gender socialization: Christian sexual "purity".
No matter how loudly some Christians claim "no sex outside of marriage" applies to boys equally, they aren't fooling anyone here that it's really about controlling girls. Girls need to "save themselves", girls need to dress "modestly", and married women need to suddenly do a 180 and become sexually available (but on *his* terms).
Ember and I both got a heavy dose of this growing up. We both tried to peform to the best of our abilities, and we both knew which gender role everyone expected us to fulfill. But we didn't internalize those gendered messages they were attempting to target us with, not really.
I never really believed I had sinned when I had sex before marriage. It was fun! I was glad to finally express myself sexually. I knew I had to play "virgin" still, and yes, that in itself is oppression. However, I wasn't dealing with any guilt or shame because I was incapable of feeling like it really applied to me as a non-girl.
Ember's experience was, sadly, the inverse. All the "male socialization" in the world won't give a non-boy feelings of entitlement to girl's bodies or a sense of sexual autonomy. They instead deeply struggled with guilt and shame of "impurity", the natural result of being a girl under Christian patriarchy.
And that's just one aspect of what trans socialization really looks like, one drop in the bucket. We all have so many different experiences which are constantly being retroactively misgendered by cis society (even feminism). I hope for a day when our stories aren't estranged.
What are your stories?
No matter how loudly some Christians claim "no sex outside of marriage" applies to boys equally, they aren't fooling anyone here that it's really about controlling girls. Girls need to "save themselves", girls need to dress "modestly", and married women need to suddenly do a 180 and become sexually available (but on *his* terms).
Ember and I both got a heavy dose of this growing up. We both tried to peform to the best of our abilities, and we both knew which gender role everyone expected us to fulfill. But we didn't internalize those gendered messages they were attempting to target us with, not really.
I never really believed I had sinned when I had sex before marriage. It was fun! I was glad to finally express myself sexually. I knew I had to play "virgin" still, and yes, that in itself is oppression. However, I wasn't dealing with any guilt or shame because I was incapable of feeling like it really applied to me as a non-girl.
Ember's experience was, sadly, the inverse. All the "male socialization" in the world won't give a non-boy feelings of entitlement to girl's bodies or a sense of sexual autonomy. They instead deeply struggled with guilt and shame of "impurity", the natural result of being a girl under Christian patriarchy.
And that's just one aspect of what trans socialization really looks like, one drop in the bucket. We all have so many different experiences which are constantly being retroactively misgendered by cis society (even feminism). I hope for a day when our stories aren't estranged.
What are your stories?
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