Humanizing Genderqueer 8

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

The department store I work at has coworkers who really encouraged me to wear makeup.  This was something I wasn't comfortable with until I discovered that genderqueerness existed and I feel the binary break down whenever I clock in.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

In high school show choir, boys and girls were divided and given different choreography.  Girls got more complicated and interesting dance moves while we got simply stuff even when most of the girls had just as little dance experience as we did. I asked if we could do something else that didn't divide us by gender all the time but my complaints were ignored.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Encourage the performing arts to break down modern gender roles and reward and spread of new and innovating ways of expression for all genders.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

White, 20, genderqueer, bi/pansexual

Survey results shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 7

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

There's not a lot to draw from here.  I guess the closest thing to a win I can claim is the day I finally felt comfortable admitting to myself who and what I am.  I didn't have a term for the lack of a mental gender, but even acknowledging that in and of itself was freeing.  I knew, and finally could say openly, that I didn't identify by gender and that I didn't like or dislike others for their gender.  It was incredibly freeing to look around and think, "I'm human.  That's all I ever have to be.  That's all anyone ever has to be."

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I grew up in a really strict household, gender- and sexuality-wise.  You were what you were born with (not even allowed to shorten your name or take a nickname), and you would burn in hell for all eternity if you even dared think about someone of your birth gender.  For me, that was always a problem because I never felt like I had a gender.  My parents treated me like I was the most despicable child they'd ever seen because I didn't fit what they felt a good Christian child should be.  I tried for many years to fit into what they wanted, but I could never give up on who I am.  I got into a lot of arguments with my stepmother because she felt I was deliberately doing it to spite them.  Their carefully crafted facade of us being the perfect family tended to crumble when I was around, and they hated that.  There were several years of "therapy" where the (not even certified) therapist would tell me I was a horrible child and that I needed to be better for my parents.

It didn't get much better when I got out of the house.  I took a year to just reevaluate who I was and what I believed, because I knew that what I had pounded into my head wasn't it.  I had to make a lot of apologies to a lot of people I'd put down in a failed effort to gain my family's approval.  It took me another year and a half before I could admit to myself that I liked people regardless of what gender they were and that I really didn't notice or care most of the time anyway.

I've never had anyone take me seriously when I try to talk about it.  They all just assume I'm a tomboy and leave it at that.  While it helps me avoid some of the nastier things that can happen to us, it can be really frustrating to never be believed.  We don't get to pick our bodies.  I don't choose to be female.  I don't want to be male.  I'm human.  That's all I've ever considered myself to be.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Bigotry isn't something you're born with, and nothing scares people more than the unknown.  Don't teach children to think in terms of gender binary or to judge those who don't conform to it.  Educate yourselves in what it means and what changes, and acknowledge that despite those changes we're still fundamentally the same as anyone else.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Human

Survey results shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 6: Lola

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

One of the most recent and happier events was during my appointment with my new endocrinologist. I had expected that I would not be able to be seen at a gender identity clinic (GIC) because I wasn't "fully transitioning" or trying to "live as male" (whatever that means), but my endocrinologist, who works at one of the best GICs in the UK, said that yes, they would not only see me but there might be funding for top surgery. He asked me about my pronouns and used them correctly and even wrote a letter to my GP asking me to begin the process of being referred to a GIC. :)

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

As sad as it is, sometimes I feel not quite taken seriously by people  within the trans* community. I've actually had to defend being non-binary identified more to other trans* people than to cis people. While I'm aware that cis people have more power over my life and my situation than trans* people do, it's disheartening to feel like your own people don't take you seriously. I've had comments made towards me that basically suggest that I'm not trans* enough to speak about any trans* experience because I am "non-operative" (which is irrelevant but also untrue) or because I'm "just an AFAB genderqueer". I've been outright told that I'm just a "silly little genderqueer" during a debate. I understand and fully admit that I do have a relatively large amount of cis passing privilege and that I am stealth in a lot of situations which means that people don't often know I'm trans*. I face little actual harassment because of the choices I choose to make in how I present myself. But I do feel like I'm quite often taken less seriously because I'm not binary identified or am not purposefully trying to shove myself into an androgynous gender presenting box.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Support organisations that do well for trans* people, I suppose. Provide spaces for trans* events. I run a clothing swap that's hosted in a Unitarian church that's very open and inclusive. Churches aren't known welcoming spaces for trans* people, but this space really is and it's given me a lot. So definitely providing space, time, funding, or anything you can to currently operating trans* groups is ideal.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Lola, genderqueer, 25, white, disabled

Survey results shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 5: Jenny

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I bought some rolls at a bakery counter.  When the guy handed 'em over the counter, he said, "Here y'go, miss."  He didn't act like there was anything unusual about me, just identified that I was female and addressed me appropriately.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

My first year in transition, my income dropped $30k.  I nearly starved to death, and had to move back in with my parents... who weren't thrilled with the arrangement, or with my gender change.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Just accept the gender presentation I offer as my gender.  Treat me as you would any other woman.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Jenny, 44, North Carolina, Asian-American

Survey results shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 4: Caleb

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.


Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

My roommate was throwing a party while I was working the closing shift at my job. When I returned home I opened the door to a room full of people shouting my new name at me. I didn't even realize they had all heard about the name change, but everyone was super accepting of it. It felt amazing to have my identity validated by my friends in such large numbers.


Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I've truly had a very smooth social transition. My friends are overall very accepting, and I am planning on going by my new name my next semester at school. I am also going to hormonally transition starting in June. However, physically transitioning may pose its own problems. My appearance already causes some stares, but I expect it to get much worse in the coming months. I also risk being outed at work. I'm only going to be on T for a few months, but I don't know how fast my body will change. I am going to try to hide it as best I can at work, but they may figure it out. I also have to hide my gender identity from members of my family, and I know I will lose contact with my sister and possibly my father if they find out. But I know I need to transition, so these are risks I have to take.


Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.


To begin, I need some basic recognition that my gender exists. I have contacted some organizations in the secular/humanist community about making forms, memberships, and applications more genderqueer friendly with large success. Ideally, I would be able to type in my own gender identity, or be able to select non-binary or genderqueer. For the most part I have to select "male" or "female", and sometimes "other". While this seems like a small step, it would make me feel like I'm a valuable part of the community, and not someone who has to fake being another gender to be included.

Also, a push for unisex bathrooms would be cool.


How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Caleb, 21, genderqueer, Iowa, white

Survey results shared with permission.