Humanizing Genderqueer 12: Ruena

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I have only felt the most comfortable dressed as a woman at night. I feel safer, more under cover. Really, being femme is the only time I am really comfortable and happy with myself.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

For 25 years I believed that transitioning was not an option for me because of how transgender people are portrayed in the media and my own desire to be well seemed in conflict. Since opening up to it, I have found being transgender and my wellness go hand in hand. The circumstances around my being able to be me were like night and day. More awareness would have helped me greatly.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

I think more positive stories should be shared. Being transgender shouldn't be viewed with such stigma and the way to do this is awareness and education.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Ruena, 33, female, San Diego, CA, Caucasian/Dutch

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 11: M

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

A group of friends and I were all enthusiastically discussing a film we all love but have never watched collectively. Everyone but me identified as a cisgender woman. A friend exclaimed "Let's have a ladies' night!" Not a single beat later, she corrected herself "A people's night!" - and in chorus with several other people who were present. Not only did my friend catch herself and correct herself without me needing to speak up, my other friends were ready and willing to do that work for me, knowing how I have to deal with misgendering all the time from strangers and intimates alike and wanting to offer me a break from continual education and advocacy. It made me feel like they really have my back on this issue.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

Pretty much every day. Genderqueer where I live is not a widely recognized gender category, nor is it known to my family and most of my friends. As a curvaceous person, no matter how masculinely I cut my hair or how tightly I bind, so far people consistently perceive me as female. When I choose to come out to someone, I have to explain what my gender identity means, and I continual struggle with how to word it so that people don't dismiss me as being "precious," or whatever. Just walking down the street, I have to deal with misogynistic harassment, people saying "excuse me ma'am" or "pardon me, girl" or whatever gendered nouns and honorifics they feel they must use in situations that really, really don't require any.
Worst, I cannot be out at work. Not because my workplace is hostile, thankfully, but because: how do you explain, in our heavily binaristic and heternormative culture, the concept of genderqueer and pronouns and bodies to the specific adults with special needs with whom I work? I came really close accidentally one time, when I asked a man I work with to please stop using "ladies" for a group that included me ("ladies" is a particular pet peeve of mine). He answered with "Well, that's what you are isn't it? You aren't some...thing." Most of the people I work with wouldn't be any better at looking at a body like mine and remembering that it isn't female than my neurotypical friends are (they need reminding often enough), and many of them struggle with language and don't need an extra pronoun or two thrown in the mix - ones that are not in popular use and that their families probably wouldn't understand. (I want to be really clear that I am talking about specific people whom I know very well, not painting a broad community as incapable of understanding gender diversity.)

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Mostly, genderqueer/nonbinarism isn't very well known, in my experience. Education in that matter is important - and it provides a lead-in to a very simple and important point that would greatly decrease my discomfort just walking around in the world - "Don't use gendered terms with/for folks who haven't explicitly identified their gender to you, especially when addressing strangers." "Have a great day!" and "Sorry for bumping you!" are perfectly polite and require no added "ma'am" or "lady" or "girl" or "sir" or "man" to be perceived as such.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

M, 26, agender/genderqueer, PDX

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 10: Badger

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

I was having a conversation with a close friend about struggling with gender identity, expectations and presentations. Pronouns were a strong feature of our discussion. I explained, as best I could, that I didn't feel like I sat comfortably as male or female and I was trying to find myself a series of pronouns that worked for me. We spent time researching the history of pronouns and found that 'se' (pronounced like the letter C) which formerly was a pronoun for women, but eventually became 'she' in modern English. My friend pointed out, in addition to it being representative of my history as a woman, it also included a slight pun ("Society has options A and B, and you chose C!").

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

Coming from a conservative family, my gender presentation is frequently highlighted and called out. I knew, even when just entering high school, I wanted to wear a tux for my senior prom. My mother, despite two years of foreknowledge, was adamantly opposed to the idea and eventually managed to smother it. While the dress I ended up wearing was of my own choosing, the fact still remains that she deliberately and aggressively pushed against my wishes.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

Amplify our voices. Listen to us. Pay attention when we say something pertaining to our community. Be willing to be wrong.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

Badger, 18, Texas

Survey responses shared with permission.

Humanizing Genderqueer 9: CRJ

Humanizing Genderqueer: Lived experiences of non-binary people.

Gender Wins: Recall a happy memory of when you felt most comfortable in your gender or most accepted as your gender by those around you.

When someone asked me what pronoun I prefer in an offline context. It has happened only once. But it meant the world to me.

Gender Struggles: Tell about a time when circumstances would not allow, or you had to make sacrifices, to remain true to your gender.

I pretty much have to present as a cisman for fear of economic retribution and fear of social isolation. I struggle daily with this, and one day it might be a day too far and I might forgo my fears.

Humanist Involvement: Suggest something the humanist community could do to make a positive impact on your personal quality of life.

One of the most fundamental changes is to accept that gender is a spectrum and not a binary, and to promote this view. This goes beyond pronouns - it is about transforming the outlook towards gender in general. At a more direct level, support for legal and/or institutional measures that mitigate or even eliminate binary requirements on gender - everything from forms that only accept two responses for gender, to bathrooms rights.

How You Identify (optional): Name, age, gender, location, ethnicity, anything you deem relevant.

crj, 35, gq, nyc, pr

Survey results shared with permission.